Obsessed with ctb even when i feel like living?

[cherrypiegonnadie]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

 

[Houkki6404]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

I guess i understand what you're feeling.
Even though you feel like you're "fine" there's still that desire for ctb right?
I've been through that, even though i was stable like a few months ago i still didn't want to be alive anymore, i wasn't like I was planning or anything it's just that the desire to not be living is still there. The problem is that when I entered a crisis state about a month ago, the desire to not be alive anymore turned into legit planning ctb ya know?
I think that's called passive suicidal ideation and it's quite dangerous cause it can easily transform into active and you'll be in the "acute risk of suicide" territory.
Still, I hope this never happens to you, I hope you can enjoy living, I hope your life turns around and that you can find peace in yourself, really.
Best wishes buddy :)

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I've experienced a similar thing.
Even when I have periods of recovery from depression, I still think about ctb.
But, I think this may stem from my existential crisis.

 

[Enlighten]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

I think fascination for death is just a human thing. It's so primal and definitive that it is infinitely interesting. I hope you can at least control these feelings and not act upon them. If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to send me a DM
Best wishes

 

[FRUSTRATED MIND]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I even question why I am still here, I believe is because I have 10% of hope that things will get better, but it's starting to get difficult .

 

[venomousSSërpent74]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

Yes actually i had a moment like that yesterday and it happens way to often except yesterday i did want to go through with it. but it's unfortunate that i didn't have the equipment for it but i guess that's also a good thing and their is also a certain way i wish to carry it out so it wouldn't have happened.

 

[iamsofkntired]

Exactly how I feel , i feel like the only purpose I have is to ctb , I day dream about how I will do it and how my body will be found and what the after life could possibly look like , it's the only thing I can think about.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

Yes, very much so. My current mindset seems similar to what you shared.

In recent times I'm embracing this. Directly examining and contemplating aspects of the choice while I have a more calm and rational mind feels productive to me. I want to make sure that I make an informed choice.

For me personally my idea of recovery is managing the anxiety around the subject. I'm afraid of the impulsive, irrational urge to act without consideration. I've had a few attempts that started in a dysregulated mind. The methods weren't fully considered and my actions were chaotic.

Due to this it's become very important to me to be more rational about it. For me this involves thorough planning and consideration of triggers I feel to be valid for my choice. This is best done during times when I'm more calm - and dare I say, happy.

Lately I've been really inspired by this statement from Emil Cioran: "What saved me is the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide I would have killed myself." The option of suicide provides a sense of freedom, even if it's never done. (I'm still convinced it'll be my last choice. It's just choosing the time I see fit.)

This can also be seen in the fact that Dignitas in Switzerland reports that most people who are given the green light to CBT there don't actually use it. They often are relieved that the option is there. (It just goes to show that how suiciology is managed is increasing people's distress.)

---
Cioran reference:

 

[raltsrover]

Yea

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoug

Yes, very much so. My current mindset seems similar to what you shared.

In recent times I'm embracing this. Directly examining and contemplating aspects of the choice while I have a more calm and rational mind feels productive to me. I want to make sure that I make an informed choice.

For me personally my idea of recovery is managing the anxiety around the subject. I'm afraid of the impulsive, irrational urge to act without consideration. I've had a few attempts that started in a dysregulated mind. The methods weren't fully considered and my actions were chaotic.

Due to this it's become very important to me to be more rational about it. For me this involves thorough planning and consideration of triggers I feel to be valid for my choice. This is best done during times when I'm more calm - and dare I say, happy.

Lately I've been really inspired by this statement from Emil Cioran: "What saved me is the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide I would have killed myself." The option of suicide provides a sense of freedom, even if it's never done. (I'm still convinced it'll be my last choice. It's just definitely the time I see fit.)

This can also be seen in the fact that Dignitas in Switzerland reports that most people who are given the green light to CBT there don't actually use it. They often are relieved that the option is there. (It just goes to show that how suiciology is managed is increasing people's distress.)

I'm going through something similar... I've never been depressed or been suicidal in my life, but death is so interesting (not that I desire it, I'm actually terrified of it hahaha). I guess it's just natural to be curious about the unknown.

 

[cherrypiegonnadie]

Exactly how I feel , i feel like the only purpose I have is to ctb , I day dream about how I will do it and how my body will be found and what the after life could possibly look like , it's the only thing I can think about.

I feel this so much. In a way i feel like im romanticizing it, because i daydream about ctb and like you too, the way i would be found, what i would write down as my goodbye note etc. it feels sick in a way but also weirdly comforting

Lately I've been really inspired by this statement from Emil Cioran: "What saved me is the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide I would have killed myself." The option of suicide provides a sense of freedom, even if it's never done. (I'm still convinced it'll be my last choice. It's just choosing the time I see fit.)

In a weird way this is very moving. I had to read that twice. It's so true. Knowing that the option is there eases the mind immensely. Thank you for this! And i hope u find the sweet release that you're looking for one way or the other.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

When my life is going well is when I want to kill myself most. It's like ending on a good note.

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I relate a lot to this. I feel like I'll die by suicide and I know how I will do it but atm I don't feel an urgency to die. I still want to see my friends and do stuff but it comforts me that ctb is still an option and I will most likely need it, as I will have to deal with bipolar my entire time in this earth.

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

Every bit of this sounds just like me. I've been this way most of my life.

 

[ddn.ctb]

I was just wondering if anyone has the same experience as I've been having for yeearsss. Like the idea and the obsession with ctb and possible methods etc. still persists even when i enter a more stable phase in life. Currently I'm feeling relatively indifferent about everything and i feel like im able to keep going for now but the obsession and the fascination about ctb is still prominent. I think so much about it without a raging desire to currently commit. I also keep reading up on possible methods and learning about ways to ctb. It's such an odd feeling. And I've had this happen everytime things got a little better. It feels like death is and will always be the center of my life even when it's not actively calling me.
And in a very odd way it's comforting??
Does anyone have similar feelings or thoughts?

I have the same mix of emotions. It fills my thoughts at times that I start planning an exit. Nevertheless when I ask myself do I want to do I'd say. I don't know. But if you ask will I do it I answer yes.

I have this strong sense that I will CTB in response to an compulsion or sudden urge to do it without ever asking do I want to. I just have that image of me hanging lifeless like a art work. That becomes the desire that needs to be fulfilled