This year has been so dizzying. I was doing somewhat ok just half a year ago now. It's like every aspect of my life, my existence, faith, family, friends, hobbies, school, work, etc has been shaken so violently out of control. Im torn apart and I feel like absolute shit every fucking day. I cry when I wake up and cry myself to sleep. There's a few reasons why im feeling this way. I have friends but I still feel lonely, I come from a good family (had a good childhood), I go to a decent college. During my first year here, I met an amazing girl who I became fast friends with and shortly fell in love with. It wasn't long before I asked her out, and she politely rejected me. "I never thought about us that way" "I don't want to ruin our friendship". I understand completely, but that didn't stop me from so fucking idiotically deluding myself into believing there could be a chance. We stayed friends, but it seemed so blurred to me. We only ever hung out 1-1, we stayed up nights really close to one another, held each other, nice and sweet things were said. She texted me every day, all day. I could tell she really did like being around me. And I was just so weak. She's a great person and beautiful too. It hurts to think about her, but I can't stop. I fantasize about a life with her. The thought of someone else being lucky enough to spend a lifetime of happiness with her is enough to make me suicidal. It feels like dying every day, my chest aches all the time now. I made it pretty obvious I still loved her. I got her flowers, she liked them. But something changed, maybe she finally realized I still wanted her. It seems like the last few times I've asked her to hangout, she's always busy or has some excuse. She even mentioned the fact that she doesn't want me to think that she's avoiding me after turning down an invite to hang out one time. One Saturday, we agreed to go out one night. Once again, "she couldn't go". I think that was the last straw, I've already been thinking about cutting contact with her, but hadn't done so out of fear of hurting her.
I feel worthless, if only I had been different. If somehow I can be the man she thinks about at night as much as I do. But I'm not that man, it seems. I'm just her friend, like all her others, while to me, she's a glimpse into a lifetime of happiness. I know it's wrong to think like this, but it's honest to god how I feel.
I think this complicated relationship exposed a lot I need to work on. It's been so traumatizing, It shook every fiber of my being. I feel so alone, like I won't ever love like that again or find someone to love at all, even though I know that's probably not true. But if I'm being honest, it's hard to hold out hope for that.
My faith in God is fading, so that's been very hard for me. This world is cruel enough as it is, and it's hard to realize that god might not exist and that life really is as meaningless as I feared it might be. I have no interest in going to church anymore, and sometimes I suspect that if god does exist, then he's for sure abandoned me. My church has many great people, so no illl will against them or Christianity either. I have no idea what I want to do in life either. I'd love to work in the arts, im into photography and piano, but I barely practice those as it is. I have a few other ideas, I'm majoring in economics, comm, and French. I generally feel empty in life, like everyday is the same.
Some part of me deep down is still holding out hope. It's hard tho. I tried therapy once, my first counselor wasn't a good match, so I'm seeking a new one rn. In the meantime, I get as high and drunk as I can every now and then. As cliche as it sounds, it does help numb this soul crushing pain I feel all the fucking time.
I used to think suicide was crazy, irrational. But for the first time, it's starting to make sense. I never had suicidal thoughts before and now I do all the time, all of a sudden. It's terrifying to think about. I only made it this far cause of my family, but I'm afraid even they won't be able to stop me if my depression gets worse. I already have thought about some ways I might do it, and I might just kill myself in September. But I still don't know, maybe things will change, I've somewhat accepted that nothing will change tho. And if that's the case, what's the point.
I'm so tired. Sleeping is the only time I feel peace nowadays.
Does anyone know what I should do to feel better. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm still so young but it feels like a future isn't happening.
I feel worthless, if only I had been different. If somehow I can be the man she thinks about at night as much as I do. But I'm not that man, it seems. I'm just her friend, like all her others, while to me, she's a glimpse into a lifetime of happiness. I know it's wrong to think like this, but it's honest to god how I feel.
I think this complicated relationship exposed a lot I need to work on. It's been so traumatizing, It shook every fiber of my being. I feel so alone, like I won't ever love like that again or find someone to love at all, even though I know that's probably not true. But if I'm being honest, it's hard to hold out hope for that.
My faith in God is fading, so that's been very hard for me. This world is cruel enough as it is, and it's hard to realize that god might not exist and that life really is as meaningless as I feared it might be. I have no interest in going to church anymore, and sometimes I suspect that if god does exist, then he's for sure abandoned me. My church has many great people, so no illl will against them or Christianity either. I have no idea what I want to do in life either. I'd love to work in the arts, im into photography and piano, but I barely practice those as it is. I have a few other ideas, I'm majoring in economics, comm, and French. I generally feel empty in life, like everyday is the same.
Some part of me deep down is still holding out hope. It's hard tho. I tried therapy once, my first counselor wasn't a good match, so I'm seeking a new one rn. In the meantime, I get as high and drunk as I can every now and then. As cliche as it sounds, it does help numb this soul crushing pain I feel all the fucking time.
I used to think suicide was crazy, irrational. But for the first time, it's starting to make sense. I never had suicidal thoughts before and now I do all the time, all of a sudden. It's terrifying to think about. I only made it this far cause of my family, but I'm afraid even they won't be able to stop me if my depression gets worse. I already have thought about some ways I might do it, and I might just kill myself in September. But I still don't know, maybe things will change, I've somewhat accepted that nothing will change tho. And if that's the case, what's the point.
I'm so tired. Sleeping is the only time I feel peace nowadays.
Does anyone know what I should do to feel better. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm still so young but it feels like a future isn't happening.
