houseofleaves
and this with thee remains.
- Jan 14, 2022
- 549
don't really wanna share too much details because i will sound super whiny and spoiled (i am by the way))
but
TLDR — i kinda thought about _not CTBing,
because, first, my brain is still developing, and second, maybe continuing life is not that bad,
BUT today I was reminded that i will suffer every day if I stay — not because the world is cruel and blah blah (it really is cruel, but i'm superprivileged, so for me it isn't), but because of my qualities as a human being. I envy those who are better than me. A lot. I envy others so much that i want to kill them. For real.
I've always been like this. And i've always suffered because of it. Of course, i'm not gonna kill any other human being just because of my stupid problems, so yeah, CTB is the way :)
________________________________
Others have a bright future, while I do not; such a strange thing to finally understand. At first, when i just realized that, i was bawling my eyes out. I laid, unable to move, for hours. But now i've found clarity within myself. All i have to do now is solve some minor financial problems, bequeath some things, write final notes. Finally i know what to do. I feel confident in my future. I'm happy now.
but
TLDR — i kinda thought about _not CTBing,
because, first, my brain is still developing, and second, maybe continuing life is not that bad,
BUT today I was reminded that i will suffer every day if I stay — not because the world is cruel and blah blah (it really is cruel, but i'm superprivileged, so for me it isn't), but because of my qualities as a human being. I envy those who are better than me. A lot. I envy others so much that i want to kill them. For real.
I've always been like this. And i've always suffered because of it. Of course, i'm not gonna kill any other human being just because of my stupid problems, so yeah, CTB is the way :)
________________________________
Others have a bright future, while I do not; such a strange thing to finally understand. At first, when i just realized that, i was bawling my eyes out. I laid, unable to move, for hours. But now i've found clarity within myself. All i have to do now is solve some minor financial problems, bequeath some things, write final notes. Finally i know what to do. I feel confident in my future. I'm happy now.
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