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- Feb 12, 2023
- 147
nothing will go my way and i never get what i want. it doesn't matter how hard i work for something, nothing works out in my favor. if something does end up working out, it just ends up going to shit later on. it's been like this my entire life.
i had many health issues—mental and physical—throughout elementary school. i missed a lot of school because i had doctor's appointments. these missed days racked up and the school threatened legal action against my mom out of fear that they were negligecting me, so my mom was mad at me a lot. i was also very behind in my learning and homework, obviously. all of that ended up worsening my mental health; i had panic attacks almost every morning. this all persisted through the 6th grade and i started to experience some bullying for various reasons. all my elementary school friends went to different middle schools, so i didn't have any friends. there were kids who talked to me when their other friends weren't around. i knew they were using me and i cried over it whenever i got home, but i still happily engaged with them like a pathetic dog. not to mention, i was struggling with my schoolwork because i was still behind in my education; plus, the bullying and loneliness made it hard to focus on anything.
anyways, i recognized my problems and decided to start homeschooling. it was really helpful, my stress decreased significantly; but the program was shit. i literally had to educate myself. from grade 7-12, i found my own learning sources and taught myself every subject. it worked, my grades were really good; but then i kept getting yelled at because i was taking too long to complete my assignments.
the yelling made the experience miserable for me, but i pushed through anyways and graduated with a 3.8 gpa. i was really upset it wasn't a 4.0, but i guess it doesn't matter.
i wouldn't be so bothered by issues i had grade school if these issues didn't repeat themselves. i don't dwell on those issues, i'm just noticing the pattern. nothing that happened then makes me feel upset, i feel upset because that shit is affecting other aspects of my life.
i made friends online, but it ended terribly and i don't really care to elaborate. sometime later, i became really angry. i hated everyone and i was completely isolated. i went months without any interaction. i didn't want to make friends because i was scared it would just end horribly like it did every single time. i remember how on the rare occasions that i did speak to people, usually family, i would end up out of breath and my mouth would be so dry because i went so long without talking. my personality was—and still is—very repulsive. i say that a lot, but it's true. it's part of the reason why i was alone for so long, but i learned to suppress it. i wanted to be alone, i ended up making good friends online and i'm still friends with them all, even though we don't talk as much.
i was really suicidal before graduating high school. i was already planning to ctb, but was convinced by my friend to start university and just hold on for at least one semester. i did, and i enjoyed it. university is really the only thing that brought me any joy. i was somewhat content and even a little hopeful. looking back, i don't think i was truly happy; i was just ignoring my problems.
then, the financial issues came. my family has always struggled financially, but it got worse. the financial stress became overwhelming and i attempted ctb. i obviously failed and ended up hospitalized. i was prescribed meds that actually helped and i was kinda getting better. i felt hopeful, but again, i was just ignoring my problems. every unfixable issue was still there. anyways, the next semester started and our financial situation took a huge blow. the main breadwinner in our family lost her job. i had so much hope for that semester. i had planned on moving closer to my university so i could actually work and leave my toxic home situation, but it all went to shit.
i had to drop out so i could start working, so the only thing that brought me any happiness is gone. my brother is trying to get me a job with the company that he works for, but they aren't even calling me back. it's so hard to get a job because i have nothing to put on my resume.
there's so much more i could say, but i've typed so much and it doesn't really matter.
all my attempts at getting better or even slightly improving my situation just end up making everything worse.
- i start homeschooling so i can actually succeed academically, but now i have an empty resume because i didn't do anything during high school.
- i made friends so i wouldn't be completely isolated, but they all just make me feel worse and more lonely. it's not their fault, i'm just not built for relationships. i've drained a lot of them as well. i wish i could be completely alone, but i'm very extroverted and i just can't go back to having no friends.
- i go to a doctor for the first time since i was a child so i could get help for some of my physical issues, but she messes with my mental health meds without even telling me. i was already planning to ctb before seeing her, but i took such a massive mental blow from her decreasing my meds. i've already posted about it a lot, though.
- i drop out, leaving the one thing that makes me happy so i can actually help my family out, but i still can't get a job.
these are just a few examples.
this is so frustrating, and people have the nerve to act like i'm just giving up without trying. i was constantly trying to get better and everything just got worse. nothing works, no matter how hard i try. why should i keep living through this repetitive cycle that constantly gets worse? yes, i am giving up, who cares? people think they're so much better for choosing to live through a horrible life. you're not stronger than me, you're just fucking delusional. if you can find a reason to live through such a terrible existence, then good for you, but i don't care. i don't want to continue this shit until i'm old, it doesn't make sense.
i had many health issues—mental and physical—throughout elementary school. i missed a lot of school because i had doctor's appointments. these missed days racked up and the school threatened legal action against my mom out of fear that they were negligecting me, so my mom was mad at me a lot. i was also very behind in my learning and homework, obviously. all of that ended up worsening my mental health; i had panic attacks almost every morning. this all persisted through the 6th grade and i started to experience some bullying for various reasons. all my elementary school friends went to different middle schools, so i didn't have any friends. there were kids who talked to me when their other friends weren't around. i knew they were using me and i cried over it whenever i got home, but i still happily engaged with them like a pathetic dog. not to mention, i was struggling with my schoolwork because i was still behind in my education; plus, the bullying and loneliness made it hard to focus on anything.
anyways, i recognized my problems and decided to start homeschooling. it was really helpful, my stress decreased significantly; but the program was shit. i literally had to educate myself. from grade 7-12, i found my own learning sources and taught myself every subject. it worked, my grades were really good; but then i kept getting yelled at because i was taking too long to complete my assignments.
the yelling made the experience miserable for me, but i pushed through anyways and graduated with a 3.8 gpa. i was really upset it wasn't a 4.0, but i guess it doesn't matter.
i wouldn't be so bothered by issues i had grade school if these issues didn't repeat themselves. i don't dwell on those issues, i'm just noticing the pattern. nothing that happened then makes me feel upset, i feel upset because that shit is affecting other aspects of my life.
i made friends online, but it ended terribly and i don't really care to elaborate. sometime later, i became really angry. i hated everyone and i was completely isolated. i went months without any interaction. i didn't want to make friends because i was scared it would just end horribly like it did every single time. i remember how on the rare occasions that i did speak to people, usually family, i would end up out of breath and my mouth would be so dry because i went so long without talking. my personality was—and still is—very repulsive. i say that a lot, but it's true. it's part of the reason why i was alone for so long, but i learned to suppress it. i wanted to be alone, i ended up making good friends online and i'm still friends with them all, even though we don't talk as much.
i was really suicidal before graduating high school. i was already planning to ctb, but was convinced by my friend to start university and just hold on for at least one semester. i did, and i enjoyed it. university is really the only thing that brought me any joy. i was somewhat content and even a little hopeful. looking back, i don't think i was truly happy; i was just ignoring my problems.
then, the financial issues came. my family has always struggled financially, but it got worse. the financial stress became overwhelming and i attempted ctb. i obviously failed and ended up hospitalized. i was prescribed meds that actually helped and i was kinda getting better. i felt hopeful, but again, i was just ignoring my problems. every unfixable issue was still there. anyways, the next semester started and our financial situation took a huge blow. the main breadwinner in our family lost her job. i had so much hope for that semester. i had planned on moving closer to my university so i could actually work and leave my toxic home situation, but it all went to shit.
i had to drop out so i could start working, so the only thing that brought me any happiness is gone. my brother is trying to get me a job with the company that he works for, but they aren't even calling me back. it's so hard to get a job because i have nothing to put on my resume.
there's so much more i could say, but i've typed so much and it doesn't really matter.
all my attempts at getting better or even slightly improving my situation just end up making everything worse.
- i start homeschooling so i can actually succeed academically, but now i have an empty resume because i didn't do anything during high school.
- i made friends so i wouldn't be completely isolated, but they all just make me feel worse and more lonely. it's not their fault, i'm just not built for relationships. i've drained a lot of them as well. i wish i could be completely alone, but i'm very extroverted and i just can't go back to having no friends.
- i go to a doctor for the first time since i was a child so i could get help for some of my physical issues, but she messes with my mental health meds without even telling me. i was already planning to ctb before seeing her, but i took such a massive mental blow from her decreasing my meds. i've already posted about it a lot, though.
- i drop out, leaving the one thing that makes me happy so i can actually help my family out, but i still can't get a job.
these are just a few examples.
this is so frustrating, and people have the nerve to act like i'm just giving up without trying. i was constantly trying to get better and everything just got worse. nothing works, no matter how hard i try. why should i keep living through this repetitive cycle that constantly gets worse? yes, i am giving up, who cares? people think they're so much better for choosing to live through a horrible life. you're not stronger than me, you're just fucking delusional. if you can find a reason to live through such a terrible existence, then good for you, but i don't care. i don't want to continue this shit until i'm old, it doesn't make sense.
