Venting Nothing works

[yellowroses]

I'm so fucking desperate just to die, I've tried everything I can get my hands on and nothing works. Every kind of poison and OD, all the different methods for hanging and strangulation short of full suspension (I don't have anywhere in my house that's high enough and strong enough to hang from), I've even tried giving myself an embolism, injected a full syringe of air into my vein, got heart palpitations and chest pain but that was it.

I want to do the nitrogen method but can't afford it, can't get SN. I'm seriously considering chugging bleach or jumping in front of a truck at this point. I don't have any options left.

My psychosis is getting worse, hallucinations are constant now, everyone tells me it'll get better but schizoaffective doesn't get better, it gets worse. People say live for my partner, they don't know how fucking painful it is to stay alive solely for the sake of someone else. To make it worse, I've started to resent my partner for keeping me here.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so fucking tired, I want to be done. Why is it such a fucking crime to want to die peacefully when your life is a living hell? Why does not wanting to suffer make me the selfish one?

Fuck

 

[Dolphin55]

I'm so sorry :( This world isn't kind to those in pain. You're not selfish for wanting to go. I hope you can find the peace you're after or some kind of relief from your pyschosis, sending you all the love and hugs

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's just inhumane how we are denied the option of escaping from all the suffering in peace, I hate how suicide is purposely made so difficult, it's such a cruel and hellish world we exist in, it really sounds so torturous what you have to endure. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for, in this anti-suicide society there certainly is a lack of compassion towards those who suffer.

 

[NambaSutra]

People say live for my partner, they don't know how fucking painful it is to stay alive solely for the sake of someone else. To make it worse, I've started to resent my partner for keeping me here.

I get this, if my partner finds any hint of a suicide method, she takes it from me and yells at me. I'm too dysfunctional to get a divorce or move out.