Ratcycling
Member
- Feb 16, 2022
- 15
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. Between the pandemic and the fact that I'm an unrelenting fuck up, I've basically isolated myself off from all but a few people. Out of those people there's only one that I feel I can talk to about how awful I feel, and even then he just tells me things will get better and to have faith that it won't always be this bad.
I just dont believe that it will get better anymore. I lost most of my childhood to trauma, my teens and early 20s to severe mental illness and a variety of drugs to try to shut out the pain, and now I feel like the rest of my 20s has gone down the drain with covid. Even as mandates lift here, there's so much shame and fear from people if you want to do something social, I honestly don't know if I'll ever go out with friends again.
I used to spend time with people to keep myself busy and my mind off suicide and how I'm not worth anything, I can't do that anymore, no one wants to spend time with me. When the pandemic happened I realized that I wasn't anyone's best friend, I was either just tolerated or they liked me enough to invite me to a gathering. Without gatherings and with people trying minimize contacts, a lot of the people I thought I was close with just disappeared.
Hell, even my boyfriend of two years just up and disappeared. He moved back to his parents at the beginning of covid, and within 6 months he just stopped answering my messages and calls. Ghosted me and left me 3000$ in debt that I've spent the last year and a half trying to pay down with my measly retail salary and minimal hours a week. I'm not even worth a goodbye to someone I spent 2 years with. And when I finally tried to date again, I met someone I really liked, but got dropped the second someone better came along. And even after promising that he wouldn't up and disappear like my ex, he still left. He even made sure to offer his friendship after telling me he'd met someone else, and then rescinded it just as fast as the offer was made. I dont trust anyone anymore, even when they say I mean something to them, its just a lie. I won't ever let myself care about someone again.
And now, I have no friends, I know I'm not worthy of love, I have nothing going for me. I was doing okay for a month or so, but now I'm just back in a pit, and I don't see any way out. I keep thinking about dying but then I try to think about how my rats would feel if I just disappeared and they didn't know where I was. I'm just worried that at some point even that won't be enough.
I just dont believe that it will get better anymore. I lost most of my childhood to trauma, my teens and early 20s to severe mental illness and a variety of drugs to try to shut out the pain, and now I feel like the rest of my 20s has gone down the drain with covid. Even as mandates lift here, there's so much shame and fear from people if you want to do something social, I honestly don't know if I'll ever go out with friends again.
I used to spend time with people to keep myself busy and my mind off suicide and how I'm not worth anything, I can't do that anymore, no one wants to spend time with me. When the pandemic happened I realized that I wasn't anyone's best friend, I was either just tolerated or they liked me enough to invite me to a gathering. Without gatherings and with people trying minimize contacts, a lot of the people I thought I was close with just disappeared.
Hell, even my boyfriend of two years just up and disappeared. He moved back to his parents at the beginning of covid, and within 6 months he just stopped answering my messages and calls. Ghosted me and left me 3000$ in debt that I've spent the last year and a half trying to pay down with my measly retail salary and minimal hours a week. I'm not even worth a goodbye to someone I spent 2 years with. And when I finally tried to date again, I met someone I really liked, but got dropped the second someone better came along. And even after promising that he wouldn't up and disappear like my ex, he still left. He even made sure to offer his friendship after telling me he'd met someone else, and then rescinded it just as fast as the offer was made. I dont trust anyone anymore, even when they say I mean something to them, its just a lie. I won't ever let myself care about someone again.
And now, I have no friends, I know I'm not worthy of love, I have nothing going for me. I was doing okay for a month or so, but now I'm just back in a pit, and I don't see any way out. I keep thinking about dying but then I try to think about how my rats would feel if I just disappeared and they didn't know where I was. I'm just worried that at some point even that won't be enough.
