Nothing to live for... Meaningless, Regret & Guilt are consuming me

[unworthy_]

It is me again. I hope you dont mind me opening a new thread. I feel safe here without judgement than on Reddit.
I am 39y F this year. I am in a complicated relationship. My ex broke up with me a few days ago officially. He didnt want to get back together even though I begged. He has started seeing someone. It is due to my selfishness, indecisiveness and unable to properly communicate my needs. I dragged him for 2 years without my parents and his parent side. His paternal grandparents passed away a day before Chinese New Year and regretted that he failed to bring a girl back to see him. The girl was me. I refused to meet his family when I had the chance because of my damn fear.. He hated me so much... I cannot salvage this relationship anymore. All I can do is mourn...

There are times I feel very optimistic. There are times I feel depressed and hopeless and most of the times I feel numb.
When I feel better, I fantasize myself doing new things so that he could see that I am improving and that he is missing out...
But this is just my fantasy... It will never become a reality for I am in fact, a failure.

I told my mum about my issues, everything for the first time and I feel so relieved. She didnt judge me. She supported me and I am grateful.
I have 3 loving pets. One has cancer. I am doing all I can to give her comfort. My younger bro is also working. He used to be a headache to us but seeing him growing mature makes me feel better...

I feel that after my dog is gone, my duty is done... I have ntg to look forward to afterwards.

Getting SN is also relatively easy for me. I don't know why... after knowing that the only thing left to get is SN because I have acquired others make me feel at peace.
I can pull the trigger anytime if I wanted to...

 

[bladeeluvr444]

I'm so sorry about ur ex and dog :c I wish you nothing but peace <3

 

[before20]

We don't mind you opening a new thread at all.

It's very kind that you are waiting it out for your dog, I'm so sorry about their condition, and about your ex. I hope you find comfort in whatever form it takes.

 

[unworthy_]

I will try to check in everyday to see if I feel any better or worse.

09 Feb 2025
I am here again. I can't take suicidal ideation of my mind to date. Probably the pain is still new. I haven't get SN but I already have other supplies. It is accessible to me. I could get a 1kg if I wanted to.

My ex and I broke up this week. He blocked me on WhatsApp last month but the finality was this week. I sent him an email yesterday and he did not get back to me anymore. His last email was " I have no expectation for you anymore. All hope I have for both of us is gone. I feel nothing for you. And I don't want to see you again. That's it". I could repeat all these in mind without having to look at his email. I am very devastated. I thought I have the chance to amend things but it is already too late. I procrastinated because of fear. My fear led me to failure and regret. The worst part is, I made his whole family having a regret. My refusal to meet his grandparent when he was alive due to my selfishness, fear of commitment led to this. My ex has always wanted to let his grandparents to know that he has someone in life. I took my ex for granted. I took his grandparents last wish for granted. I took his family for granted. I took this relationship for granted. This guilt is eating me alive. My ex will never forget me and he is scarred with this regret forever as well as his family. My selfishness to reconnect to make myself feeling better, push him even further away. The only thing I could do is to stop messaging him so he could heal

As for me, every waking sec is a torture. I see no purpose in my life. I keep fantasising my life that I could never have. I have mid life crisis in my early 30s. I already realised my life would be hard from that age onwards. I was right. The same fear, indesiveness, selfishness, and inability to communicate led me to this path. A path I could not return. This break up opened up my mind. Because of my weakness, I would only sabotage and make my potential partner suffers. I am also not keen to meet new relationship as I am approaching 40 in 2y. My fertility window will close soon.

I love my dog and family a lot. I have a duty to take care of them. I have no other purpose in life anymore other than looking after them. I can't seem to find any meaning after 30. It is almost a decade. I found one but I lost it recently. I am exhausted. I can't wait for another decade. This broken heart, guilt, hopeless, meaningless life are eating me alive.

To my ex, I didn't realize I love you until I lost you. I am so sorry I turned your family and your life upside down with regrets and pain. You don't deserve this. I hope I could take away your pain if I could. Even though I could never be with you anymore, I wish you could find someone else soon. I regret that I could never the someone for you expected. I am so sorry..

p/s : Sorry for my broken English.

 

[unworthy_]

10 Feb 2025 - 11.41am

My ex unfriended yesterday on FB. I keep a tab on his friends and activity. How foolish I am. He discarded me just like that...
I developed insomnia. I couldn't sleep until 4am every morning. I sleep less than 4 hours a day. I know my condition is lesser than what he and his family are experiencing right now, REGRET. I wish I am in deep pain so it could somehow help to them lift off their pains.
I was up all night talking with my mum about him. I cherished our memories together. It was short and bittersweet. I hope I can finally close this chapter soon.
My heart is pounding as I am writing this. I wish I get a heart attack due to my failures to have the will to live and be better.
10 Feb 2025 - 12.31pm

My world stops moving. My heart is pounding. My mind is playing back our memories, reviving all the past. How I could have done better..
It was already too late. I cannot bring back the dead. I cannot undo my actions...
I cannot amend it anymore....
I am really sorry for hurting you so much...

 

[Eternal Illusions]

Sorry to hear your going through this. It can be hard getting over a breakup.

 

[unworthy_]

10 Feb 2025 - 5.19pm
I cannot make peace that he hated me forever. Been scrolling endlessly to find clues and decipher his message. But I came to realize that there are no clues. Just fact and statement. He wishes ntg to do with me and doesn't want to see me anyone.
Fear and Regret, they will never leave me..

 

[unworthy_]

11 Feb 2025 - 12.24am
He used to call me during this time because it would be 12noon in the US. I miss him so much. I wish I could him that again. I have never shown any affection to him. I regretted it so much.. my heart pains when I think of what I did to him and his family. I am actively trying to improve my life because I have been a toxic pessimistic person for many many years. I feel like it is time to stop if I am trying to get back to him. But I shouldn't have any expectation because he already told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. It hits me hard. I hope I can forgive myself on this otherwise. I am not sure when I could finally do that.

I will allow myself to grief him but not having in occupying my mind all the time. I will try to improve my life and weakness. I hope that one day he would be able to see it.

Tonight I feel melancholy

 

[Alexsei]

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to have regretful "what-ifs" replay in your mind constantly. You can't change the past but you can look back to the good memories you created together. You'll be able to create other nice memories in the future too even if it feels so utterly impossible or feckless now. Glad you're trying to improve yourself. Hope you're alright.

 

[unworthy_]

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to have regretful "what-ifs" replay in your mind constantly. You can't change the past but you can look back to the good memories you created together. You'll be able to create other nice memories in the future too even if it feels so utterly impossible or feckless now. Glad you're trying to improve yourself. Hope you're alright.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes I am really trying to improve myself because at my age, if I dont do it, then I will forever stay in this loophole. I have just started yesterday. It is not a lot but still something. As for relationship is a bit more complicated. It is possible but will see. Maybe for now I would like to focus on myself and still hopeful me to salvage a relationship with him.

I am still here because the possibility of ending life is still at the back of my mind. Right now this area is temporarily closed.

 

[unworthy_]

11 Feb 2025 - 4.08pm
I am scrolling endlessly through our old conversation from the beginning. I really miss the good old days. And I realized I am not good at communicating. I was extremely passive aggressive. I spoilt the potential good moments at that time and inevitably our relationship. I have to take responsibility for my behaviors because they are childish. I dont know if I ever will be able to communicate better. I am actively taking steps to improve myself like checking out CoDa Meetings. I am not sure what it is but I hope it will help me with my communications and attachments.
I hope that you will be able to see me one day, a changed person (hopeful)

 

[unworthy_]

11 Feb 2025 - 6.17pm
Although I have been reading self improvement articles, I cant help but to think negatively. They come out once in a while. I just have to tell myself that change wont take place in one day.. It may take me a few days, weeks or even months. As a grown woman in late 30s it might take longer.
I cant believe the damage I made to my ex and his family. It is totally unacceptable. I am not sure how to forgive myself.

 

[unworthy_]

12 Feb 2025 - 10.34pm
I spent 1 hour listening to Al Anon meeting on Zoom. They are participants sharing their stories but I feel that I cannot resonate. Maybe a lil because there are non alcholics in my family. The problem is me. Indecisiveness, Selfish and Unable to Communicate.
But I am proud of myself for taking steps.

But every morning, it feels like I come to the same realization that the break up already happened. It is a reality and that I could not turn back the time anymore. The thing that I can look forward to is to better myself (for him, for me, family).

I feel quite emotionless + hopeless. My mind cant stopping me from thinking of how to get back to my ex

 

[unworthy_]

12 Feb - 8.58pm
Today is not the best day. I cannot focus. Even at the gym. Yes I did all reps and steps but my mind just jumped back to my ex. There is no return. When I think of that, I feel so anguish...
This hopelessness is back... this is not the best feeling ever. I can't cry. This is even worst than crying because at least you are letting out your feelings.

I have no intention to make them feel how they are feeling now. Everytime when I think of it, I feel smtg dropped to my stomach... I am so sorry...

 

[unworthy_]

15 Feb 2025 - 11.51am
Valentine's Day went by with a jiffy. Never thought that 2024's V Day would be our last time to meet each other face to face. Memories came floating back...

Anyways this morning, I am trying to focus on rebuilding myself. I am going to push myself into doing smtg I felt uncomfortable before.
I feel indifferent. I am also planning to send you another email soon which is my final email..

 

[tartvinegar]

I feel the same way, it's so hard and painful and unbearable

 

[unworthy_]

17 Feb 2025 - 3.47pm

I saved our conversation from the beginning because I feel that one day you would leave me.
I wish I could go back in time to undo all my wrong doings. I failed you, my family, my friends and myself.

Today. I am not feeling hopeful. I am in the pit of depression again. I am not able to see the meaning of life.
I am a potential narcissist with severe codependency.

 

[unworthy_]

17 Feb 2025 - 6.27pm

I have been scrolling mindlessly at our old convo. I almost forgot that I was such a mean person. I still am... I played mind games, depressed, needy and toxic all the time. You put up with me the entire time. I am such a terrible, horrible person. I dont deserve you...

I hope I could change. I really am. I feel horrible and I would never want to be my past self ever.