Nothing out there for you.

[SipSop]

Do you ever feel that void?
Because you once had a strong purpose that brought you life, and now you lost it.
Do you ever "see with your emotions" a desolate land. Like you have no direction.
Nowhere to go.

 

[ERASED]

I never really felt like I had a purpose or destined for anything.
I just went through life coping
And still coping
Waiting for the end.

 

[Invisible 73]

My child gave me purpose. Idk what my purpose was till I had her. And the pure joy she brought me every day was nothing I ever felt before. I'd never really been happy till I became a mom. Then her narcissistic pos father and soon to be wife came into our lives, and decided they deserved her over me. Spent 6 years in and out of fighting for what was best for her. To end up losing her to those monsters. And now the only truest love I've ever known, in human form, believes the most viles things about me. And hates my guts w.a passion I'd never could have imagined. I hate being an alienated mom. Idk what I did to deserve this punishment. But I cant take the rejection anymore

 

[SipSop]

My child gave me purpose. Idk what my purpose was till I had her. And the pure joy she brought me every day was nothing I ever felt before. I'd never really been happy till I became a mom. Then her narcissistic pos father and soon to be wife came into our lives, and decided they deserved her over me. Spent 6 years in and out of fighting for what was best for her. To end up losing her to those monsters. And now the only truest love I've ever known, in human form, believes the most viles things about me. And hates my guts w.a passion I'd never could have imagined. I hate being an alienated mom. Idk what I did to deserve this punishment. But I cant take the rejection anymore

I am deeply sorry for your situation.
To love another human with all your entity is something I would not trade for anything.
That person becomes a need, in order for you to feel complete. In order to experience undiluted and pure happiness.
I hope that talking about it brought you a little bit of relief.

 

[Adamsnolife]

I felt that I had a purpose when I left school. I had future dreams of IT computers and possibly crack the US (never told anyone on here) but time I was 20 it all started to unravel. Life since then has probably been worthless. Thankfully being single and no kids make ctb bearable and easier

 

[rt1989526]

There is nothing out there for me but working a shitty ass job that I hate for decades and poverty.

 

[Meditation guide]

My life is daily struggle and earning a little bit of money which the government takes a huge chunk of, paying bills with the rest. And that's it, my entire life. Nothing else. Why am I here, to send money to the government I hate?

 

[failedjedi]

I never really had a purpose or anything. So I didn't know what I was missing and was fine. Then I fell in love. I was never emotional and didn't even believe real love was a thing. I never even felt it for like family. Then suddenly in an instant my life changed. I not only experienced love but true love and love at first sight. She meant everything to me. Then she completely abandoned me. I had happiness and purpose and had it taken away. Now that I know what it feels like I can't go back to before. It was easy when I didn't know what it felt like. But now I know what I'm missing and I can't take it. Knowing what true happiness is and knowing you'll never experience it again just kills you inside. My heart and soul are completely dead.

 

[Meditation guide]

Knowing what true happiness is and knowing you'll never experience it again just kills you inside. My heart and soul are completely dead.

I don't know how old you are. But if you are let's say under 50 you can definitely experience that kind of love more than once believe it or not. I am living proof.

 

[Red]

My child gave me purpose. Idk what my purpose was till I had her. And the pure joy she brought me every day was nothing I ever felt before. I'd never really been happy till I became a mom. Then her narcissistic pos father and soon to be wife came into our lives, and decided they deserved her over me. Spent 6 years in and out of fighting for what was best for her. To end up losing her to those monsters. And now the only truest love I've ever known, in human form, believes the most viles things about me. And hates my guts w.a passion I'd never could have imagined. I hate being an alienated mom. Idk what I did to deserve this punishment. But I cant take the rejection anymore

I went through being alienated from my child for ten years because of his bitter, angry father (who didn't realise that we split up because he couldn't communicate!) - it was very hard and I wanted to die many times over.

I got him back a couple years ago (father got a new missus and decided he didn't need the kid anymore n kicked him out, after withholding him for so long out of spite!) fixed him up n now our relationship is stronger than ever! He's just turned 18 and doesn't hate anyone, not even his POS dad who essentially abandoned him in the end, after wrongly accusing me of the same for years!)...
It might come round later on is all m saying. It hurts like a bitch in the meantime but as long as you regularly let your child know that you're still there for them and do what you can to prove the alienating info wrong, the kid can grow up and look back on your behaviour rather than the bitter words of others!
It was a long stretch but I'm so glad I was still here in the end to be there and be better than his stupid dad ever was in that whole 10 years!
I don't know why people do this to their kids - it does them no good to think that half of them is "evil" or whatever other bollocks they get told

Hurts like an utter bitch, I feel for you soooo much, I'm so sorry n hope it comes round to be right again. If you love your kid as much as you say it will win out eventually xx

 

[failedjedi]

I don't know how old you are. But if you are let's say under 50 you can definitely experience that kind of love more than once believe it or not. I am living proof.

I don't want it to. I want her and only her. I also can't take the suffering to just hope it might happen again. The worst part is I was perfectly content with my life until I met her. Now it's completely ruined. I would literally do anything for her and she just doesn't care. It's the worst feeling in the world. I've gone through a ton of emotional and physical pain in my life. Absolutely nothing hurts the way this does.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't want it to. I want her and only her. I also can't take the suffering to just hope it might happen again. The worst part is I was perfectly content with my life until I met her. Now it's completely ruined. I would literally do anything for her and she just doesn't care. It's the worst feeling in the world. I've gone through a ton of emotional and physical pain in my life. Absolutely nothing hurts the way this does.

Honestly I've been the way way you are now. And in time, four years later actually, fell in love again. I know you don't want to hear it. just saying...

It happens to lots of us. The same way.

 

[Checkmate3]

My child gave me purpose. Idk what my purpose was till I had her. And the pure joy she brought me every day was nothing I ever felt before. I'd never really been happy till I became a mom. Then her narcissistic pos father and soon to be wife came into our lives, and decided they deserved her over me. Spent 6 years in and out of fighting for what was best for her. To end up losing her to those monsters. And now the only truest love I've ever known, in human form, believes the most viles things about me. And hates my guts w.a passion I'd never could have imagined. I hate being an alienated mom. Idk what I did to deserve this punishment. But I cant take the rejection anymore

Yep, that's what evil people do. They manipulate, slander and project. Everything your ex-husband and his wife are saying about you — they're describing themselves to the last small detail. Projection.
You're by far not alone in this situation, same thing is happening everywhere.
Sometimes the truth tends to come out, so eventually your daughter might come back to you with all her love, and will focus all her hatred on those who lied about you.

 

[Nymph]

Never really thought I had a purpose in this world but in the past I just kept going without a big deal. In the past meaning up to 12-13, then it started going downhill. Self harm, depression, anxiety disorder, a lot of medication and other health problems...suicidal thoughts and buying all things I need for CTB. Never had a purpose but at least I had motivation to wake up the next morning. Now I wish I didn't wake up and ever again.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Do you ever feel that void?
Because you once had a strong purpose that brought you life, and now you lost it.
Do you ever "see with your emotions" a desolate land. Like you have no direction.
Nowhere to go.

Not at all. As long as your brain functions you can find another direction. With the comment "see with your emotions", I would strongly suggest writing. That is indicative of an agile mind, and you were certainly able to explain yourself. You never know where a thing can lead.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Not at all. As long as your brain functions you can find another direction. With the comment "see with your emotions", I would strongly suggest writing. That is indicative of an agile mind, and you were certainly able to explain yourself. You never know where a thing can lead.

Yes, life is funny indeed. It seems like it's worth considering, OP.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I used to have purpose but I lost it in January when I lost my job. That's the last time I felt my life have any meaning.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Do you ever feel that void?
Because you once had a strong purpose that brought you life, and now you lost it.
Do you ever "see with your emotions" a desolate land. Like you have no direction.
Nowhere to go.

I was blessed to have an amazing son when I was 20. I was a single mom his father didn't want him. I raised him alone. 8 1/2 years later I had his baby brother. I know that void all to well. My older son was 25- I saw him off to work- good bye buddy. Have a good day I love you. Luv you to Ma and off to work he went. He didn't make it to work he died in a car accident. The shock first I could not function. The devastation my son was gone it was so so dark. My younger son was 2 months prior to his 17th birthday when Joey died. He had to watch me for a year and a half in hysterics crying I want my son, I want to die. He turned 18 and 3 months later he RAN to my ex in laws. That was a yr and a half ago. I no longer have a direction. Joeys death killed me. My younger son is doing great he has a job and is happy. Our relationship is minimal because he doesn't make effort to call or text back. Yes I spent my life 20-47 being a single mom and LOVED it. Both my boys are my everything and I've lost everything. Life has been a "desolate land" since Joey died. I've been here for my younger son almost 3 years after Joey for HIM. At almost 49 I have no where to go other than my older son. I believe when I CTB I will be reunited with him.

My child gave me purpose. Idk what my purpose was till I had her. And the pure joy she brought me every day was nothing I ever felt before. I'd never really been happy till I became a mom. Then her narcissistic pos father and soon to be wife came into our lives, and decided they deserved her over me. Spent 6 years in and out of fighting for what was best for her. To end up losing her to those monsters. And now the only truest love I've ever known, in human form, believes the most viles things about me. And hates my guts w.a passion I'd never could have imagined. I hate being an alienated mom. Idk what I did to deserve this punishment. But I cant take the rejection anymore

I've not posted this here yet. I had a daughter at 16 to a very abusive man. She is now 32. Her father got custody well I didnt know what it was and gave it to him. It's a long story he came and almost choked me to death threatening me I was giving his custody or he would kill me. He used many evil methods to try to alienate me from her. When she was 7 I moved 1700 miles away. I thought it was best for her that I wasn't in her life because of the head games her father played with her. I had her 1st brother when she was 4. I raised him and my younger son alone. How old is she? I can tell you my daughter does talk to me. She says her father and uses his first name not dad or father its Raymond kept me from the only family that loved me. If you raised me my life would have been so much better look at my brothers... She HATES her father. We live to far apart still 1700 miles for us we will never have a mother daughter relationship. When she needs advice or help she does call me. When she was 6 & 13 I spent 10thou on a lawyer fighting for her but her family has a big name in vermont and I lost yet again. Her fathers family lawyer was a probate court judge. I lost after her father stabbed the mother of his son, beat his wifes face in with a stereo and shot a guy while my daughter was standing there because he was drunk and beating his wife and the guy tried to stop him.

DO NOT let them win. My biggest regret was not running into a battered womans shelter with my daughter when I was still with her father. I didn't because I was afraid he would kill my mother. He had hit her to. Does she say she hates you or is it her father saying it? If it's not possible for you to have a relationship with her now- she will grow up and figure out in her head who played games with her. She will not be happy with her father and his wife. I poured all the love into my older son I had for him and my daughter-because I was not in her life- and enough love for a mom and dad because his dad didn't want him. He turned out to be an amazing man. If I had a time machine my younger self would RUN with my daughter and have my son. The BIGGEST regret in my life is the decisions I made giving him custody and moving 1700 miles away. I wish I was closer to be there for her. Document everything that happens. Down to the last detail and keep records to use in court.

 

[SipSop]

Not at all. As long as your brain functions you can find another direction. With the comment "see with your emotions", I would strongly suggest writing. That is indicative of an agile mind, and you were certainly able to explain yourself. You never know where a thing can lead.

That is so nice of you.
I say this because to express yourself clearly, to paint a image with your words, to send your message in order your feelings to be experienced by the reader, it is important for me.

 

[greekyfish10]

i used to believe i had a purpose and believing that actually helped me to keep going. i felt like i had something to fight for and that someday i was going to do something great and i didn't want to miss it. now that i'm older i realize that that's just silly. i don't have a purpose and that's okay with me, but i'm never going to cling to false hope, only to be let down later on in the future.

 

[SipSop]

i used to believe i had a purpose and believing that actually helped me to keep going. i felt like i had something to fight for and that someday i was going to do something great and i didn't want to miss it. now that i'm older i realize that that's just silly. i don't have a purpose and that's okay with me, but i'm never going to cling to false hope, only to be let down later on in the future.

I understand this.
What popped up into my mind was the saying:"fake it till you make it". But now I see it as somewhat silly. Like you lie to yourself in order to get what you want. I see it now that you either are personally interested in something or you're not. I say this because sustaining that hope, as you say it, takes extra amounts of energy. Eventually at the next bump you will question yourself and you will get to the default settings again.
I believe that you either have a personal interest, feeling, about something or you don't. A personal interest burtures you and keeps you going, like Charles Bukowsky or Steve Jobs. Those guys did it because they felt this was their purpose, this is what theu had to do in order to be fulfilled as humans. Even if people do not pay attention to you or the benefits do not come early.


Talent and inspiration. How do you know you're the one? You don't.
They all think they have it. It's a shot in the dark. You take it and see what it is.

 

[Wayfaerer]

My life is daily struggle and earning a little bit of money which the government takes a huge chunk of, paying bills with the rest. And that's it, my entire life. Nothing else. Why am I here, to send money to the government I hate?

Well, if my generous future prospects didn't just burn to a crisp before my very eyes, I would've been a white-collar taxpayer doing the same thing essentially. Except in that case, I would also be enjoying life so it would be a give-and-take. If I continued as things are, it's just going to be give and no take. I'd opting out of the sham.

 

[TAW122]

Fairly oftenly. Yes, during most of the time, I feel as though I am just existing just to cope and then when circumstances and timing is right, just to CTB. All while keeping under the radar and not setting off red flags.

 

[SipSop]

Fairly oftenly. Yes, during most of the time, I feel as though I am just existing just to cope and then when circumstances and timing is right, just to CTB. All while keeping under the radar and not setting off red flags.

Life has not gifted us with much things as it did with others.
Hang in there buddy.
When the time is right, you will know it.

 

[woxihuanni]

I do. Right now there is a concert outside, and I see all the happy scenes I will never be in and was never truly in. All the good things that are for others.

 

[XYZ]

Do you ever feel that void?
Because you once had a strong purpose that brought you life, and now you lost it.
Do you ever "see with your emotions" a desolate land. Like you have no direction.
Nowhere to go.

Nothing hurts as much as having it all and watching it die. I wish I had never tasted happiness, health and a sense of purpose, because now, when I am broken and lonely, the memory of what once was, makes my bitterness and my regrets too heavy to carry.

They say that when you're on the bottom, the only way is up.

I am on the bottom all right, but there's no ladder I can climb. I know that because I cut that ladder with my own two hands and made a bonfire out of it.

I do. Right now there is a concert outside, and I see all the happy scenes I will never be in and was never truly in. All the good things that are for others.

All the good things that are for others.

This ^^^^^

 

[Blueman]

Nothing hurts as much as having it all and watching it die. I wish I had never tasted happiness, health and a sense of purpose, because now, when I am broken and lonely, the memory of what once was, makes my bitterness and my regrets too heavy to carry.

They say that when you're on the bottom, the only was is up.

I am on the bottom all right, but there's no ladder I can climb. I know that because I cut that ladder with my own two hands and made a bonfire out of it.


All the good things that are for others.

This ^^^^^

I understand I was so happy not long ago and have thrown away my happiness and sense of purpose due to stupidity.
I still have my physical health but that's declining.

I'm low and dropping lower and lower

 

[Invisible 73]

Yep, that's what evil people do. They manipulate, slander and project. Everything your ex-husband and his wife are saying about you — they're describing themselves to the last small detail. Projection.
You're by far not alone in this situation, same thing is happening everywhere.
Sometimes the truth tends to come out, so eventually your daughter might come back to you with all her love, and will focus all her hatred on those who lied about you.

I don't want that for her though. I don't want her to feel anymore hate and pain! Shes

Yep, that's what evil people do. They manipulate, slander and project. Everything your ex-husband and his wife are saying about you — they're describing themselves to the last small detail. Projection.
You're by far not alone in this situation, same thing is happening everywhere.
Sometimes the truth tends to come out, so eventually your daughter might come back to you with all her love, and will focus all her hatred on those who lied about you.

I don't want that for her though! I don't want her to feel anymore hatred or pain, even for him and his now ex wife. I want peace for her. Shes been thru so much b.s. They started this campaign to alienate her from me when she was just 3 y/o. And now she's 19. So my baby has never k own anything else bit their hatred and abuse. I just want peace for her.

I went through being alienated from my child for ten years because of his bitter, angry father (who didn't realise that we split up because he couldn't communicate!) - it was very hard and I wanted to die many times over.

I got him back a couple years ago (father got a new missus and decided he didn't need the kid anymore n kicked him out, after withholding him for so long out of spite!) fixed him up n now our relationship is stronger than ever! He's just turned 18 and doesn't hate anyone, not even his POS dad who essentially abandoned him in the end, after wrongly accusing me of the same for years!)...
It might come round later on is all m saying. It hurts like a bitch in the meantime but as long as you regularly let your child know that you're still there for them and do what you can to prove the alienating info wrong, the kid can grow up and look back on your behaviour rather than the bitter words of others!
It was a long stretch but I'm so glad I was still here in the end to be there and be better than his stupid dad ever was in that whole 10 years!
I don't know why people do this to their kids - it does them no good to think that half of them is "evil" or whatever other bollocks they get told

Hurts like an utter bitch, I feel for you soooo much, I'm so sorry n hope it comes round to be right again. If you love your kid as much as you say it will win out eventually xx

Ty! Being an alienated parent is worse than losing a child to death imo! Shes 19 now and still lives w.him but I'm blocked on every social media Avenue. Idk if she's in school, if she works, what her cell phone number is. Idk anything about her anymore. He even changed her name after they won custody ncos he is that hateful! Idk if I can go on waiting to see if she is one of the ones who does return.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

That is so nice of you.
I say this because to express yourself clearly, to paint a image with your words, to send your message in order your feelings to be experienced by the reader, it is important for me.

You sound as though you are born to write. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Invisible 73]

I was blessed to have an amazing son when I was 20. I was a single mom his father didn't want him. I raised him alone. 8 1/2 years later I had his baby brother. I know that void all to well. My older son was 25- I saw him off to work- good bye buddy. Have a good day I love you. Luv you to Ma and off to work he went. He didn't make it to work he died in a car accident. The shock first I could not function. The devastation my son was gone it was so so dark. My younger son was 2 months prior to his 17th birthday when Joey died. He had to watch me for a year and a half in hysterics crying I want my son, I want to die. He turned 18 and 3 months later he RAN to my ex in laws. That was a yr and a half ago. I no longer have a direction. Joeys death killed me. My younger son is doing great he has a job and is happy. Our relationship is minimal because he doesn't make effort to call or text back. Yes I spent my life 20-47 being a single mom and LOVED it. Both my boys are my everything and I've lost everything. Life has been a "desolate land" since Joey died. I've been here for my younger son almost 3 years after Joey for HIM. At almost 49 I have no where to go other than my older son. I believe when I CTB I will be reunited with him.


I've not posted this here yet. I had a daughter at 16 to a very abusive man. She is now 32. Her father got custody well I didnt know what it was and gave it to him. It's a long story he came and almost choked me to death threatening me I was giving his custody or he would kill me. He used many evil methods to try to alienate me from her. When she was 7 I moved 1700 miles away. I thought it was best for her that I wasn't in her life because of the head games her father played with her. I had her 1st brother when she was 4. I raised him and my younger son alone. How old is she? I can tell you my daughter does talk to me. She says her father and uses his first name not dad or father its Raymond kept me from the only family that loved me. If you raised me my life would have been so much better look at my brothers... She HATES her father. We live to far apart still 1700 miles for us we will never have a mother daughter relationship. When she needs advice or help she does call me. When she was 6 & 13 I spent 10thou on a lawyer fighting for her but her family has a big name in vermont and I lost yet again. Her fathers family lawyer was a probate court judge. I lost after her father stabbed the mother of his son, beat his wifes face in with a stereo and shot a guy while my daughter was standing there because he was drunk and beating his wife and the guy tried to stop him.

DO NOT let them win. My biggest regret was not running into a battered womans shelter with my daughter when I was still with her father. I didn't because I was afraid he would kill my mother. He had hit her to. Does she say she hates you or is it her father saying it? If it's not possible for you to have a relationship with her now- she will grow up and figure out in her head who played games with her. She will not be happy with her father and his wife. I poured all the love into my older son I had for him and my daughter-because I was not in her life- and enough love for a mom and dad because his dad didn't want him. He turned out to be an amazing man. If I had a time machine my younger self would RUN with my daughter and have my son. The BIGGEST regret in my life is the decisions I made giving him custody and moving 1700 miles away. I wish I was closer to be there for her. Document everything that happens. Down to the last detail and keep records to use in court.

My daughter is 19 now. I lost her when she was almost 8. And gave up the fight when she was 12. Bcos I saw they were never going to stop manipulating her to reject me until they won. I felt it was the best choice for her, as she was becoming a teen and I didn't want to make life any more difficult.

They only way we communicate, is if she messages me on Instagram.
Via the account I set up on her 18th birthday. I had to block her from leaving comments because they were so hateful.