SanguineShark
I am the monster you created
- Jun 23, 2023
- 223
No social interaction ever changes my self-esteem or feeling of self-worth. I just spent the evening talking with friends on voice chat for a few hours, everything is fine and they seem to want to spend time with me. But I still feel completely worthless, and often I question why they even like me, I don't feel like I ever deserved their attention. I googled this problem recently, and I got a simple answer - As long as you're a decent and kind person, people will like you, and apparently it's just very easy to be an asshole, so when someone stays caring and nice, it's a person worth spending time with. I do always try to be the most caring and kindest person to every friend of mine, I find it quite easy to be just a nice person, so the description that this is enough to like me just.. disappoints me. I don't feel like anyone truly likes me, loves me.. I think I don't feel worthy of their attention because the kindness and caring is just, natural.. it's not exceptional.. I mean, not many people were ever as considerate and caring to me as I am to others, but that's my whole reason why I act like this. I just want others to live a happier life than me. I almost never feel like my friends are truly rooting for me or hyping me up, but I always do it with the closest ones, I want to be their hype-man and someone who supports them the most..
I just want them to maybe live in this fantasy world where people actually care? Maybe if I sacrifice myself to the extreme, someone will love me? It's really stupid of me to say that though, as if that actually happened, I'd just self-sabotage it with my extreme anxiety and paranoia that I ruin everything, that I will lose it, and eventually I will, because my extreme mental issues and co-dependance is what makes people leave. Maybe I'm just a walking lie, I'm a worthless piece of shit who has one skill: being nice. That's it. And when people like me just for that reason, it makes me want to kill myself. Because I wish people would like me for other things, but they rarely do. I'm a weirdo and a mentally ill, autistic freak. I had 0 close friends for most of my life.
I just finished having a pleasant evening with friends, yet I want to kill myself.
I'm doing it to myself, that's the worst part. I doesn't feel at all like it's just my brain, it feels like that's how reality works. I know that's what's happening, because every time I have a mental breakdown over something, people tell me what's the reality, and how my insecurity and especially my BPD, make me think there's always an issue and a disaster coming, while everything in reality is fine. And what I'm saying here is a big symptom and part of BPD - catastrophising and trying to fix something that's not an issue. My whole life is defined by fear of abandonment, because I got abandoned as a child. Isn't that ironic? I'm suffering emotionally, and there's nothing that can help me.
I just want them to maybe live in this fantasy world where people actually care? Maybe if I sacrifice myself to the extreme, someone will love me? It's really stupid of me to say that though, as if that actually happened, I'd just self-sabotage it with my extreme anxiety and paranoia that I ruin everything, that I will lose it, and eventually I will, because my extreme mental issues and co-dependance is what makes people leave. Maybe I'm just a walking lie, I'm a worthless piece of shit who has one skill: being nice. That's it. And when people like me just for that reason, it makes me want to kill myself. Because I wish people would like me for other things, but they rarely do. I'm a weirdo and a mentally ill, autistic freak. I had 0 close friends for most of my life.
I just finished having a pleasant evening with friends, yet I want to kill myself.
I'm doing it to myself, that's the worst part. I doesn't feel at all like it's just my brain, it feels like that's how reality works. I know that's what's happening, because every time I have a mental breakdown over something, people tell me what's the reality, and how my insecurity and especially my BPD, make me think there's always an issue and a disaster coming, while everything in reality is fine. And what I'm saying here is a big symptom and part of BPD - catastrophising and trying to fix something that's not an issue. My whole life is defined by fear of abandonment, because I got abandoned as a child. Isn't that ironic? I'm suffering emotionally, and there's nothing that can help me.
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