Venting nothing has felt the same since i attempted. i wish i died that day

[uboa.rust]

i was a complete dumbass and thought overdosing would work. i kinda just grabbed everything that i knew was a CNS depressant from my medicine cabinet + my mom's percocet and downed it all. i wasn't found until 11 hours later and somehow survived despite being in a coma for 2 days and on a ventilator

nothing's been the same. my life was already fucking terrible before then, but it just feels like i've lost any ability to salvage it now. it feels like something fundamentally changed and no amount of coping will fix anything. i can't even talk to people without having extreme fear, unlike anything before. even having online friends is impossible because i feel so alone that i attach to the slightest bit of interest someone shows in me and freak the fuck out over even the slightest sign of them rejecting me. i feel like a total misanthrope to a degree i know is unhealthy but can't shake. i spend all my days indoors and don't speak to anybody, genuinely. no job, haven't graduated yet and probably will drop out, i'm in limbo man. i fucking hate this

every day i fantasize about ways to kill my self but i'm too fucking broke to go through with the methods that i know would work. i wish someone would just shoot me in the head or murder me and then dump my body in a river because i don't want to be found. i can wait for all the fucking medical advancements in the world, i can take every drug and do every type of therapy but i'll always know that this is who i'm stuck as and always was

 

[boyafraid]

So sorry you're going through all this. I relate to some of the things you're saying. I attempted suicide two months ago, and wish I had died too. After attempting, some people find new hopes in life/motivation to keep living. Not me though, I immediately started to think of different methods for the future. Besides that, I had to take a good week to reflect on my attempt. I had many emotional breakdowns, and never told anyone. Except the people on here lol.

 

[uboa.rust]

So sorry you're going through all this. I relate to some of the things you're saying. I attempted suicide two months ago, and wish I had died too. After attempting, some people find new hopes in life/motivation to keep living. Not me though, I immediately started to think of different methods for the future. Besides that, I had to take a good week to reflect on my attempt. I had many emotional breakdowns, and never told anyone. Except the people on here lol.

i get you, especially about how people tend to speak about the aftermath of surviving an attempt as being given a second chance, or something. all i was thinking when i woke up from my coma was how badly i missed being blacked out, it felt warm.

i don't get how more people don't get MORE directionless after failing an attempt. feels like you're in limbo.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

That all sounds awful. I really hope you aren't in any additional discomfort because of the attempt on top of everything else.

I sympathize with struggling even in online friendships because of my own neuroticism. I overthink everything, and I have emotional knee-jerk reactions to any perceived disapproval or rejection, which sometimes ends up as a self fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like your case is completely crippling right now.

I hope you can find some peace soon. Nobody deserves to suffer so much. Best wishes.

 

[uboa.rust]

That all sounds awful. I really hope you aren't in any additional discomfort because of the attempt on top of everything else.

I sympathize with struggling even in online friendships because of my own neuroticism. I overthink everything, and I have emotional knee-jerk reactions to any perceived disapproval or rejection, which sometimes ends up as a self fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like your case is completely crippling right now.

I hope you can find some peace soon. Nobody deserves to suffer so much. Best wishes.

thankfully, i don't think i have many lasting issues thanks to it. doctors said that i didn't get any brain damage, but i kinda question that now lmao.

it really is painful being that neurotic and hypervigilant. i really envy people who aren't socially stunted and constantly terrified like this.

best wishes to you too man

 

[SanagiMezamete]

thankfully, i don't think i have many lasting issues thanks to it. doctors said that i didn't get any brain damage, but i kinda question that now lmao.

it really is painful being that neurotic and hypervigilant. i really envy people who aren't socially stunted and constantly terrified like this.

best wishes to you too man

I hope they were right about no damage. And you make a good point; I don't know how they measure such things but it sounds like something changed, whether it's physiological or just psychological. Or both.

 

[uboa.rust]

I hope they were right about no damage. And you make a good point; I don't know how they measure such things but it sounds like something changed, whether it's physiological or just psychological. Or both.

i have a hunch that they just happened to not pick up on it during the CT or MRI or whatever they did on me. the brain can be damaged at a microscopic level which makes it impossible for them to scan for through those traditional methods, and also the fact that our nervous system is fragile as fuck and messing up your neurotransmitters messes with you long term. it's interesting in a way

 

[SanagiMezamete]

i have a hunch that they just happened to not pick up on it during the CT or MRI or whatever they did on me. the brain can be damaged at a microscopic level which makes it impossible for them to scan for through those traditional methods, and also the fact that our nervous system is fragile as fuck and messing up your neurotransmitters messes with you long term. it's interesting in a way

That's exactly what I was thinking. Human understanding of biology is incomplete and flawed in general, but when it comes to the brain it seems even the experts are lost. And brain scans aren't magical oracles, they can only measure certain things and they have limits. It would surprise me if doctors were able to rule out every type and degree of brain damage using contemporary technology. Not to mention human error. But what the hell do I know?

 

[_Gollum_]

I know what you mean. I attempted nearly two years ago now (I'm shocked that it's been that long, feels like yesterday) and I still regret that I didn't succeed that day. Surviving didn't give me a "second chance," because in committing suicide, all I was doing was making physical what was already done in the soul. In other words, I was already dead; I was just making that a physical reality. Now I have to live in the in-between, as a live body with a dead soul.

I have gotten "better" in the intervening time, in that my mood is generally better and I'm in less distress. But you don't come back from the dead, and that improvement has not and will not revive the soul. So here in limbo I remain, for the foreseeable future.

 

[uboa.rust]

I know what you mean. I attempted nearly two years ago now (I'm shocked that it's been that long, feels like yesterday) and I still regret that I didn't succeed that day. Surviving didn't give me a "second chance," because in committing suicide, all I was doing was making physical what was already done in the soul. In other words, I was already dead; I was just making that a physical reality. Now I have to live in the in-between, as a live body with a dead soul.

I have gotten "better" in the intervening time, in that my mood is generally better and I'm in less distress. But you don't come back from the dead, and that improvement has not and will not revive the soul. So here in limbo I remain, for the foreseeable future.

feels like time flies when you're in this sort of limbo. i attempted 6 months ago, and it almost feels like it just wasn't real, or something. it both feels like it happened yesterday and like it never happened at all, like i just started existing in this moment with these memories and that particular memory is just one of them. dissociation or whatever.

i'm in a similar state. i'm not in constant emotional agony but i feel so hollow, it feels like i've lived a thousand painful fucking years and now i'm just numb and calloused or something. weirdly feeling nostalgic too, i keep trying to find things from the past like i'm trying to go back to before everything got so fucked up, if that time even exists at all