oofuf
hope is the seed of despair
- Feb 13, 2023
- 49
When I found and joined this forum two years ago, I thought I'd done it. That I have reached the endgame and found the solution. But alas, things didn't go the way I thought they would.
I had attempts prior to joining this website. The methods were self theorized and laughable by here's standards, but in one case, I had managed to get very close. After joining the website and lurking inside threads, I choose to pursue the blood choke. But before I could really practice and put it all in motion, I opened up and actually talked. And decided to leave the website. But I came back.
I talked to my father. The one person that I did NOT want to talk to. And weirdly enough he seemed to understand. At this point I was thinking "Fuck it, let's just tell everyone how much I want to ctb and see how it goes". So one thing leads to another, and now I'm talking with my whole family about wanting to ctb. The three reactions I got were "Life is full of ups and downs it will get better", "Please tell us how we can help you" and "You need professional help".
Now I'm sure I don't have to explain how much I hate the first response to you guys. The second one is tricky, because there is no way for them to help, and that is precisely why I didn't talk to them before. But the idea of a professional seemed promising. I mean I just talked to my father and I wasn't disowned, surely I could get help right?
I ruminate on that topic for a week, and decide that it is time to give therapy a shot. I go in, I talk a little bit, and I get diagnosed with mdd. I get prescribed some basic meds, I gotta keep a journal now to better reflect on whats going on in my life. I'm going out for walks, partying with friends. Everything is cool right? And here is the problem. I didn't go to the therapist because I was depressed. I went to the therapist because I was transgender. Why am I depressed? Because I'm transgender. Why do the pills not solve the problem? Because I'm transgender. Somehow I need to prove this to the therapist. The first step is to not be depressed. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
So half a year goes by. And all that's changed is that now I'm taking stronger medication. I just snap. I decide it is time to just stop trying to do anything and for 24 hours. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. But I get hungry, and I need to go the bathroom, and... Yeah you can't keep doing that. So what do I do? I stop going to the therapist. I stop taking my meds. I come back here, this time devoted, motivated, ready, to get this done.
You don't have to guess how that ended. Blood choke is appealing because of how easy and hassle free it sounds. But it didn't work out. So I move on to partial, manage to somehow find a good place hang around, practice, say my goodbyes, tie the rope, and fail. Why? Because I just stand up. At this point you start thinking about the obvious. It's been there this whole time. SN, if only I could get my hands on it. And you get a weird sense of deja vu. A chemical that could solve all my problems, but I'm unable to get it due to circumstances out of my control? It's the hrt problem all over again.
At this point I've spent so much time researching, practicing and failing. On catching that damned bus. And on getting those damned pills. And It feels impossible to give up on both. I tried once more. Different therapist, different self theorized methods of ctb. Nothing.
I have chosen to give up on everything. I have ghosted all my friends. I have dropped out of college. I have no plans for the future. I spend my time wasting time until I have got no time to waste.
And it is precisely at this point, that I try to find someone to blame. Is it my fault for not trying hard enough? Is it society's fault that I have these problems to begin with? Is it therapy's fault that I can't transition? Is it my parent's fault for bringing me to life?
Because when you give up on trying to fix your problems, you start pointing fingers. Why? Because you haven't given up. Because deep down you still want a solution. So you start thinking about the root cause, in an attempt to find a new solution.
How have I been coping with the fact that I can't give up whilst not being able to succeed? I haven't. There's no way to cope with this. Best I can do is to try and not think about it by making myself busy. But then, I have to sleep. Sleep the one thing that used to comfort me is now something i dread every night. Because in that moment I've got no choice but to think about all of this all over again. All in a vain attempt at finding a solution to an unsolvable problem.
Which brings me here today. Two years after joining this website and no closer to catching the bus. Crying for help whilst knowing that everyone here is doing the same.
Every night I think of the same phrase:
"Nothing ever happens"
I had attempts prior to joining this website. The methods were self theorized and laughable by here's standards, but in one case, I had managed to get very close. After joining the website and lurking inside threads, I choose to pursue the blood choke. But before I could really practice and put it all in motion, I opened up and actually talked. And decided to leave the website. But I came back.
I talked to my father. The one person that I did NOT want to talk to. And weirdly enough he seemed to understand. At this point I was thinking "Fuck it, let's just tell everyone how much I want to ctb and see how it goes". So one thing leads to another, and now I'm talking with my whole family about wanting to ctb. The three reactions I got were "Life is full of ups and downs it will get better", "Please tell us how we can help you" and "You need professional help".
Now I'm sure I don't have to explain how much I hate the first response to you guys. The second one is tricky, because there is no way for them to help, and that is precisely why I didn't talk to them before. But the idea of a professional seemed promising. I mean I just talked to my father and I wasn't disowned, surely I could get help right?
I ruminate on that topic for a week, and decide that it is time to give therapy a shot. I go in, I talk a little bit, and I get diagnosed with mdd. I get prescribed some basic meds, I gotta keep a journal now to better reflect on whats going on in my life. I'm going out for walks, partying with friends. Everything is cool right? And here is the problem. I didn't go to the therapist because I was depressed. I went to the therapist because I was transgender. Why am I depressed? Because I'm transgender. Why do the pills not solve the problem? Because I'm transgender. Somehow I need to prove this to the therapist. The first step is to not be depressed. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
So half a year goes by. And all that's changed is that now I'm taking stronger medication. I just snap. I decide it is time to just stop trying to do anything and for 24 hours. I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. But I get hungry, and I need to go the bathroom, and... Yeah you can't keep doing that. So what do I do? I stop going to the therapist. I stop taking my meds. I come back here, this time devoted, motivated, ready, to get this done.
You don't have to guess how that ended. Blood choke is appealing because of how easy and hassle free it sounds. But it didn't work out. So I move on to partial, manage to somehow find a good place hang around, practice, say my goodbyes, tie the rope, and fail. Why? Because I just stand up. At this point you start thinking about the obvious. It's been there this whole time. SN, if only I could get my hands on it. And you get a weird sense of deja vu. A chemical that could solve all my problems, but I'm unable to get it due to circumstances out of my control? It's the hrt problem all over again.
At this point I've spent so much time researching, practicing and failing. On catching that damned bus. And on getting those damned pills. And It feels impossible to give up on both. I tried once more. Different therapist, different self theorized methods of ctb. Nothing.
I have chosen to give up on everything. I have ghosted all my friends. I have dropped out of college. I have no plans for the future. I spend my time wasting time until I have got no time to waste.
And it is precisely at this point, that I try to find someone to blame. Is it my fault for not trying hard enough? Is it society's fault that I have these problems to begin with? Is it therapy's fault that I can't transition? Is it my parent's fault for bringing me to life?
Because when you give up on trying to fix your problems, you start pointing fingers. Why? Because you haven't given up. Because deep down you still want a solution. So you start thinking about the root cause, in an attempt to find a new solution.
How have I been coping with the fact that I can't give up whilst not being able to succeed? I haven't. There's no way to cope with this. Best I can do is to try and not think about it by making myself busy. But then, I have to sleep. Sleep the one thing that used to comfort me is now something i dread every night. Because in that moment I've got no choice but to think about all of this all over again. All in a vain attempt at finding a solution to an unsolvable problem.
Which brings me here today. Two years after joining this website and no closer to catching the bus. Crying for help whilst knowing that everyone here is doing the same.
Every night I think of the same phrase:
"Nothing ever happens"
