Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
- Jul 1, 2020
- 6,780
Disclaimer: please nothing negative. If you read this (or even just look at the amount of venting without reading it) and really think that's what I need right now on a site that's suppose to be "supportive", you're funny.
TLDR: I'm stressed, basically have nothing worth living for. I don't see why I should do it anymore and feel like ctb is doing myself a favor. Am I wrong?
I "have a chance". I'm getting a house, land that I call home. A place I was ripped from at the age of 1-2 and then again at 10-11.... I have plans, hopes, dreams. But I'm not interested. I don't care.
Even without the "items", just based on recovery progress alone, I'm not interested. I don't understand why I would be.
I'm in a relationship I can't get away from, causing the move to be stressful... "this is my home too right?" and i have no idea how to set the boundary you live here, but it's mine. sort of like how a child lives with their parents. It's their home (well, in a healthy family XD) and the live there, but it's not theirs....
I'm never going to get to be with the person I want to be with. He's "happy" where he is despite complaining about every aspect.
Plus I have to deal with the relationship I'm in. If anything happens to me that 1 little speck I call home could become his........ and I don't trust him, which I know he'll gaslight me about. "You don't trust me?" and anyone that's been in a mentally abusive relationship knows the crippling feeling that follows that. But, no, no I don't. you said if I needed help I could ask you and it turned into a months (years? its almost 10yes ago now) long argument with me crying. "I help you now" that's nice, doesn't change you went back on your word and I'm 99% sure you help me now just so you can say that. And yeah I don't think it's honest help, you still r* me! after conversation after conversation after conversation. If you're so good at telling my MH, then how come you can't tell staying completely still while you rub my body! And you know my past, you know I'm one of those trauma "trouble saying no" people. ......... I could probably keep going but I'm gonna drop this topic.....this isn't what I'm making this post for........
I don't have any family.... I have my brother that I can't connect with because he's the "wanted child" (quite literally). I've never been one for "sibling rivalry". It's not their fault they're born or whatever. It's the parents. I blame my parents, but that doesn't mean I can help feeling.........eeeaaahhhhhhhh......... when he talks about things that were ripped from me..... "I have chickens" that's nice, mine were murdered and then blamed on me when I was 10-11. Oh, and yours makes pretty colourful eggs. "I like working out" That's nice. due to being starved since birth I now rarely leave bed and run out of energy just from talking. I don't blame you, but that doesn't change the huge gap between us.
and the only only other person I have is my grampy, which is where I'm getting the house. but, he's my "grampy", he's gonna die
which is another thing, i was gonna go to friends next but, detour
Ever since my cat passed away a little over a year ago, I can't enjoy anyone. I just look at the cat I have left "you're gonna die". I don't even have my other "non human family members" yet and I'm already all "you're gonna die". It's not....It's not a good thing.....I'm traumatized......
I "don't" have any friends. ok, I have 2 friends. (Not including the person I want to be with, he's unlabeled existing in the world around me because I'm hurting, stressed, and lost. I just need me time for a bit to think...) I have 1 friend, and she's pretty cool. We get along well. But it's an online friend. Nothing against that and we plan on hanging out sometime but, I want to go out. I want to have a life. Friends to enjoy a drink with on the weekend. Hobby groups to gush over new gardening sprouts or what wiccan rituals we're planning this moon. And there's another friend, but he's online too. and we plan on hanging out as well, but online. And that's it.... I try to "get involved" but I'm constantly proven I shouldn't have. (Omg lol. i joined this MH chat a couple days ago, and I literally watched a bot notif pop up several times "make sure you say hi to people so they don't feel left out" while they were ignoring me.) I can't make friends.
My recovery is going well, I can handle myself now a little better. But that's now... my past haunts me....I can't get it out of my mind that she left me, an infant, alone for hours..... why did you keep me? why did you take me with you just to destroy my life....? you didnt even want me!!!! why did you have to drag me down with you!!!!!!???????
I could go on. My back is screwed in 2 different ways (literally) and here I am "should I take up farm work". I struggle with eating, breathing, concussion pain. i haven't even hit my head in awhile, it just exists now and my doc is being useless. Omg that was another thing, "medicare is free" that's nice, do you want to let me use it now, or just keep rejecting me and being useless. I've been to the hospital idk how many times, and it's still not on paper I have anorexia.
Point is, everything in my life is in shambles (to the point I can't even remember all my problems) but I'm gonna stop.....I think I need to relax...
I have a chance..... I'm trying to find a reason to want it......... but the ground is giving out beneath me...... every where I look is just trauma and pain.... yes, I am capable of working through it, but for what? So I can be alone....?
TLDR: I'm stressed, basically have nothing worth living for. I don't see why I should do it anymore and feel like ctb is doing myself a favor. Am I wrong?
I "have a chance". I'm getting a house, land that I call home. A place I was ripped from at the age of 1-2 and then again at 10-11.... I have plans, hopes, dreams. But I'm not interested. I don't care.
Even without the "items", just based on recovery progress alone, I'm not interested. I don't understand why I would be.
I'm in a relationship I can't get away from, causing the move to be stressful... "this is my home too right?" and i have no idea how to set the boundary you live here, but it's mine. sort of like how a child lives with their parents. It's their home (well, in a healthy family XD) and the live there, but it's not theirs....
I'm never going to get to be with the person I want to be with. He's "happy" where he is despite complaining about every aspect.
Plus I have to deal with the relationship I'm in. If anything happens to me that 1 little speck I call home could become his........ and I don't trust him, which I know he'll gaslight me about. "You don't trust me?" and anyone that's been in a mentally abusive relationship knows the crippling feeling that follows that. But, no, no I don't. you said if I needed help I could ask you and it turned into a months (years? its almost 10yes ago now) long argument with me crying. "I help you now" that's nice, doesn't change you went back on your word and I'm 99% sure you help me now just so you can say that. And yeah I don't think it's honest help, you still r* me! after conversation after conversation after conversation. If you're so good at telling my MH, then how come you can't tell staying completely still while you rub my body! And you know my past, you know I'm one of those trauma "trouble saying no" people. ......... I could probably keep going but I'm gonna drop this topic.....this isn't what I'm making this post for........
I don't have any family.... I have my brother that I can't connect with because he's the "wanted child" (quite literally). I've never been one for "sibling rivalry". It's not their fault they're born or whatever. It's the parents. I blame my parents, but that doesn't mean I can help feeling.........eeeaaahhhhhhhh......... when he talks about things that were ripped from me..... "I have chickens" that's nice, mine were murdered and then blamed on me when I was 10-11. Oh, and yours makes pretty colourful eggs. "I like working out" That's nice. due to being starved since birth I now rarely leave bed and run out of energy just from talking. I don't blame you, but that doesn't change the huge gap between us.
and the only only other person I have is my grampy, which is where I'm getting the house. but, he's my "grampy", he's gonna die
which is another thing, i was gonna go to friends next but, detour
Ever since my cat passed away a little over a year ago, I can't enjoy anyone. I just look at the cat I have left "you're gonna die". I don't even have my other "non human family members" yet and I'm already all "you're gonna die". It's not....It's not a good thing.....I'm traumatized......
I "don't" have any friends. ok, I have 2 friends. (Not including the person I want to be with, he's unlabeled existing in the world around me because I'm hurting, stressed, and lost. I just need me time for a bit to think...) I have 1 friend, and she's pretty cool. We get along well. But it's an online friend. Nothing against that and we plan on hanging out sometime but, I want to go out. I want to have a life. Friends to enjoy a drink with on the weekend. Hobby groups to gush over new gardening sprouts or what wiccan rituals we're planning this moon. And there's another friend, but he's online too. and we plan on hanging out as well, but online. And that's it.... I try to "get involved" but I'm constantly proven I shouldn't have. (Omg lol. i joined this MH chat a couple days ago, and I literally watched a bot notif pop up several times "make sure you say hi to people so they don't feel left out" while they were ignoring me.) I can't make friends.
My recovery is going well, I can handle myself now a little better. But that's now... my past haunts me....I can't get it out of my mind that she left me, an infant, alone for hours..... why did you keep me? why did you take me with you just to destroy my life....? you didnt even want me!!!! why did you have to drag me down with you!!!!!!???????
I could go on. My back is screwed in 2 different ways (literally) and here I am "should I take up farm work". I struggle with eating, breathing, concussion pain. i haven't even hit my head in awhile, it just exists now and my doc is being useless. Omg that was another thing, "medicare is free" that's nice, do you want to let me use it now, or just keep rejecting me and being useless. I've been to the hospital idk how many times, and it's still not on paper I have anorexia.
Point is, everything in my life is in shambles (to the point I can't even remember all my problems) but I'm gonna stop.....I think I need to relax...
I have a chance..... I'm trying to find a reason to want it......... but the ground is giving out beneath me...... every where I look is just trauma and pain.... yes, I am capable of working through it, but for what? So I can be alone....?
