Story Nothing and Something

[ClownMe]

hey everyone, a bit of a different post from me today. I wanted to share this (very) short story I wrote. long story short (pardon the pun), I was depressed out of my mind Thursday night and was extremely anxious about my shift at work the following morning, I wanted to put my feelings in to words, I wanted to convey what it feels like for me waking up every morning, so I wrote the story below. keep in mind, this is the first story i've written in years, so it isn't anything special, but feel free to tell me what you think of it.

Nothing and Something

Nothing, then something. What once was nothing, is now something. There once was nothing, but now there is something.

Nothing, not anything; no single thing.

Something, a thing that is unspecified or unknown.

Awaken, breathe, legs tingle, arms shake ever so slightly, eyes squint, glance the room, dim, murky, gloomy, just like your mind. "something" is happening again. "something" has come from "nothing", again.

What once couldn't feel, now feels. What once couldn't process, now processes. What once couldn't think, now thinks. What once couldn't see, now sees. What once couldn't hear, now hears…

You're not doing any of that though. Who could blame you? For it wasn't you who chose to feel, process, think, see or hear.

Trapped, paralyzed, powerless. You can try to fight it, it dares you. "Fall back to sleep! you know you want to".

You try, you fail, it's engulfing you, it's getting the better of you, it's winning, fight some more, lose some more, it's a losing battle you're fighting, give up, you do.

The sheets come off now, the cold runs across your body, the joys of feeling, the sudden chill gives you goosebumps, the chill is momentary, you're processing.

Sit on your bedside and wonder, you're thinking, you're finally doing it all… all again. "something" has come from "nothing", again.

Footsteps, first along carpet, then across the tiles, reach for the handle, give it a yank, step inside, the mirror looks through you, you look through it.

Features mean nothing. It's that look within. Words can't describe, you have to be there, looking through those piercing eyes, deep into the soul.

It sees your face, but you don't see its face. What is it? It's an enigma, it hides behind the nothing and the something, it evades you.

However, at some point it'll be forced to show its face, it likes to appear daunting, but deep down you know it's lonely. It gets its kicks from your pain, your suffering, but little does it know that your pain and suffering is merely temporary.

One day the enigma that evades you in the mirror, cloaked in glass, will be forced to walk out into the light, to show its face, its true identity. No longer will it have the ability to hide behind the nothing and the something, no longer will it have the ability to taunt and ridicule.

It's days are numbered, because yours are numbered…

Continue to stare deep into the mirrors' gaze, smile a wry smile, whisper, "i'm coming"...

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Impressive stuff my friend.

 

[WornOutLife]

Really deep!
Gonna read it again when I'm drunk in a few hours so as to feel even more moved and cry lol.

 

[Un-]

Beautiful and poetic, though I'm not one for hopeful endings.

 

[Trojan]

Beautifully done. my friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

This was certainly interesting to read. I really liked it.

 

[blue_muse]

Reminds me of those written passages displayed in public spaces. You've got excellent prose ClownMe .

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

Let me offer some constructive criticism.
First of all, this work is more of a prose poem than a story; its layout should be treated accordingly.
You have already made several sensible paragraphs, but you should look beyond mere paragraphing and consider the
shape of your poem on the page, e.g.:

Nothing, then something.
What once was nothing, is now something.
There once was nothing, but now there is something.​

Take a look at the formatting of this poem:

Canto LXXXI by Ezra Pound | Poetry Foundation

Zeus lies in Ceres’ bosom

www.poetryfoundation.org

As you can see, there are many possibilities.

Your title is very good. Now for some specific lines:

Nothing, not anything; no single thing.
Something, a thing that is unspecified or unknown.

I don't understand the semicolon in the first line; I would prefer a comma.
The second line clashes with the first. While the first line reflects upon nothingness in a stream of consciousness manner
(this is the reason why I'd prefer a comma), the second line reads like an entry from a dictionary. I would try to keep it similar
to the first line, e.g.:

Nothing, not anything, no single thing.
Something, not much, but not nothing.

As for the line

"something" is happening again. "something" has come from "nothing", again.

I don't understand why there is a comma before the second "again", but none before the first. It would be better to treat these two sentences consistently, i.e. both with or without comma.
I also think it would be better to give each of these sentences its own line.

You're not doing any of that though. Who could blame you? For it wasn't you who chose to feel, process, think, see or hear.

I would rewrite the above passage to read:

Yet you're not doing any of that. Who could blame you? It wasn't you who chose to feel, process, think, see or hear.

The line

Trapped, paralyzed, powerless.

would be even better if you managed to replaced the word "trapped" with a three-syllable word beginning with "p" (I can't think of anything,
but I'm not a native speaker, so you might be more resourceful).

In the line

"Fall back to sleep! you know you want to".

the full stop must come before the quotation marks.

In the line

Sit on your bedside and wonder, you're thinking, you're finally doing it all… all again. "something" has come from "nothing", again.

I would prefer a semicolon after "wonder". It may be formatted like this:

Sit on your bedside and wonder;
you're thinking, you're finally doing it all… all again.
"something" has come from "nothing", again.

In the line

Footsteps, first along carpet, then across the tiles, reach for the handle, give it a yank, step inside, the mirror looks through you, you look through it.

I would replace the comma after "inside" with a semicolon to emphasize the introduction of the mirror. Besides, it is confusingly written:

"Footsteps, first along carpet, then across the tiles, reach for the handle"

reads as if the footsteps are reaching for the handle.

In the following two lines

It's an enigma, it hides behind the nothing and the something, it evades you.

No longer will it have the ability to hide behind the nothing and the something, no longer will it have the ability to taunt and ridicule.

I would change the word order to emphasize the "nothing" and the "something":

It's an enigma, it evades you, as it hides behind the nothing and the something.

No longer will it have the ability to taunt and ridicule, no longer will it have the ability to hide behind the nothing and the something.

The line

It's days are numbered, because yours are numbered…

contains a typo and could be improved as follows:

Its days are numbered, because your days are numbered…

In the following line, I would replace the comma after "whisper" with a colon:

Continue to stare deep into the mirrors' gaze, smile a wry smile, whisper, "i'm coming"...

All of the preceding commas are part of an enumeration, but the comma in question introduces the direct speech that follows;
a colon would make it clearer. Note the typo.

Finally, you might want to consider capitalising the words "nothing" and "something" throughout the poem.
Perhaps working on this very promising first draft will help to distract you a bit from the grim reality we all inhabit.
I would love to read your eventual revision.

 

[Trojan]

Wow

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I agree with @Schöngeist that it would be even better laid out as the prose poem it is surely made to be.