I feel like i'm not worth anything. Sure, my therapist and the few friends i have tell me something different, but where's proof of this supposed worth? I've been alone all my life, desperately clinging to anyone who was nice to me. No one ever hit me up for the sake of me. Just whenever they wanted something. "Can you listen to me?" "Can you do this?" "Can you do that?" "I'm bored, do something." These things are often really banal but it adds up. For example, I listen to your problems and try to help but as soon as i speak out you're acting like i just said something horrible. I know topics of wanting to kill myself and being depressed aren't nice to listen to. But why do i have to listen about your bullying problem and how it broke you when you won't properly listen to my depression and the shit that comes with it? Why can you tell me you hurt yourself by pinching or biting yourself but i can't say i cut myself?
Funnily enough i'm not even the first choice of the people i consider my friends. They have a bunch of people around them. I get i'm not interesting or fun enough to be more than the extra or backup plan. And i know this thought is selfish and rude. No one needs to tell me that. But i can't understand why i'm just on the side for them when they're everything to me. I'm number 2 at best. In every relationship i have with other people, be it friends or otherwise. My prime example of everything i've said so far is my ex partner. They would constantly talk about another friend of theirs, praise them in the highest ways and not shut up about them. But i'm 100% certain they'd never talk about me like that. And as soon as i started talking a lot about a friend i made, which i'd very quickly consider my best friend, they'd lash out at me. Make their displeasure as clear as possible. Get incredibly jealous about a STRAIGHT person i wouldn't even had a shot with to begin with because i'm literally gay and they're not. They never even explained to me why they despised my friend so much. It's not that they disliked them as a person. It seemed to annoy them so much that i didnt make them my first priority anymore when i wasn't theirs to begin with.
I feel so incredibly used. Because everyone my whole life has been treating me that way. And now i've hit another helpless situation. I've met a person i think feel really attracted to. They're constantly in my head. If they'd ask me out right now i'd say yes without thinking about it. What i can't understand is how they precieve me and what i do. And how they act torwards me. Because we can have fun and joke, they flirt quite a lot and can't tell if it's jokingly or serious and they vent. When they vent i try to be there for them. To comfort them as good as i can by telling them what i think. That i'll stay with them even if everyone else left, as long as they let me. You know what their response was? Something around the lines of "everyone says this. Even if you go 'i mean it' i won't believe you. It's just a lie." and i dont know what to do with this? Espacially since autism makes it even harder for me to understand people and social cues. And they know this. I've said multiple times that i'm nothing than honest with them, that i always say what comes to my mind. Yet they have this weird thing where they keep me close but also push me away. And i dont know what i'm supposed to do with this.
I know i shouldn't exist. I'm a failure in any way and only a side character in this game called life. While everyone else is in the spotlight i'm off to the side, waiting until anyone needs me for something. Because i've learned that unconditional love and care are nothing more than a fantasy. If i can't provide anything i'm useless and to be thrown away like a doll.
I know that i'll never be anything more than that in life. Yet everyone demands i stay alive and i don't know why. It's not like i matter to anyone. I've been shown more than once that i can be easily replaced or discarded. I'm not seriously needed by anyone. Why bother keeping me alive? Screw modern human ethics, what's so wrong with wanting to die and asking for help because i cant do it alone? Life sucks. This is rigged. I want to live in my fantasies. Why can't i? Why am i not allowed?
Funnily enough i'm not even the first choice of the people i consider my friends. They have a bunch of people around them. I get i'm not interesting or fun enough to be more than the extra or backup plan. And i know this thought is selfish and rude. No one needs to tell me that. But i can't understand why i'm just on the side for them when they're everything to me. I'm number 2 at best. In every relationship i have with other people, be it friends or otherwise. My prime example of everything i've said so far is my ex partner. They would constantly talk about another friend of theirs, praise them in the highest ways and not shut up about them. But i'm 100% certain they'd never talk about me like that. And as soon as i started talking a lot about a friend i made, which i'd very quickly consider my best friend, they'd lash out at me. Make their displeasure as clear as possible. Get incredibly jealous about a STRAIGHT person i wouldn't even had a shot with to begin with because i'm literally gay and they're not. They never even explained to me why they despised my friend so much. It's not that they disliked them as a person. It seemed to annoy them so much that i didnt make them my first priority anymore when i wasn't theirs to begin with.
I feel so incredibly used. Because everyone my whole life has been treating me that way. And now i've hit another helpless situation. I've met a person i think feel really attracted to. They're constantly in my head. If they'd ask me out right now i'd say yes without thinking about it. What i can't understand is how they precieve me and what i do. And how they act torwards me. Because we can have fun and joke, they flirt quite a lot and can't tell if it's jokingly or serious and they vent. When they vent i try to be there for them. To comfort them as good as i can by telling them what i think. That i'll stay with them even if everyone else left, as long as they let me. You know what their response was? Something around the lines of "everyone says this. Even if you go 'i mean it' i won't believe you. It's just a lie." and i dont know what to do with this? Espacially since autism makes it even harder for me to understand people and social cues. And they know this. I've said multiple times that i'm nothing than honest with them, that i always say what comes to my mind. Yet they have this weird thing where they keep me close but also push me away. And i dont know what i'm supposed to do with this.
I know i shouldn't exist. I'm a failure in any way and only a side character in this game called life. While everyone else is in the spotlight i'm off to the side, waiting until anyone needs me for something. Because i've learned that unconditional love and care are nothing more than a fantasy. If i can't provide anything i'm useless and to be thrown away like a doll.
I know that i'll never be anything more than that in life. Yet everyone demands i stay alive and i don't know why. It's not like i matter to anyone. I've been shown more than once that i can be easily replaced or discarded. I'm not seriously needed by anyone. Why bother keeping me alive? Screw modern human ethics, what's so wrong with wanting to die and asking for help because i cant do it alone? Life sucks. This is rigged. I want to live in my fantasies. Why can't i? Why am i not allowed?
