not sure what to think of my situation

[graymatter]

Hi,

I'm struggling for month to write a post here. I'm constantly shifting between states where I kinda feel ok and moments where I hate myself and don't know how to deal with myself and others. Over the years the ok-ish moments got shorter and slightly less ok-ish than before while the bad moments come more suddenly, much more often and become much darker. Small things seem to rapidly change something and I'm in a very dark place and can't escape for hours, sometimes days. Sometimes it ends all the sudden and moments later I can't really understand how I got there and why I felt that bad in the first place. Even while I write this my mood changed from being very bad and feeling the urge to seek help or escape somehow to everything seems ok and a feeling that its over and good now. So I will stop here before I'm back to ok and delete this post again.

 

[endless_pain]

I understand the situation, because it happens to me too.
I don't know what to suggest honestly, let's see if someone else has to say something

 

[starlover]

That same thing has happened, and happens, to me. And eventually the dark periods got longer and the light shorter, like you.

Sometimes I think of it as two sides of me fighting for control. Dark and light fighting over my soul. Unfortunately the dark has overcome, lately.

I wish I knew how to fight back. I'm sorry. But I understand what you're going through, you're not alone.

 

[graymatter]

Thanks to both of you. The comparison of two sides fighting for control seems fitting but mostly its more like suddenly stepping into a swamp, getting stuck and sinking in until suddenly beeing released and not seeing the swamp anymore. But what where short periods are now hours, days or even weeks.

 

[graymatter]

Today it's really bad. I have no idea how to escape this spiral. Everyone expects me to be or do something but evertime I ask for help - no matter if for my anxiety or anything else - they play it down. For suicidal thoughts I'm not in the right age group, on professional questions at work they say I'll figure it out and even my doctor made me feel like I was imagining a physical issue which in the ER was found to be a ripped appendix and a serious infection. Even after it was played down and I don't feel taken serious anywhere. The more I look for a way out, the more I feel trapped and ignored.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

First off, wanted to say congrats on finally posting. It seems like that was an effort for you to muster up the strength to do, and I think it's badass you pulled it off. People underestimate how much strength that can take to talk, especially when you don't know anyone will listen or care. You're inspirational that you could do it in spite of that.

Everyone's struggle is unique, but I feel like I understand what you are going through because I've been in that position many times before, though thankfully not right now. It's sort of like drowning on the inside, a few fleeting chances to actually breathe but mostly bouts of struggling to get your head above water, so to speak.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with that feeling. I can't change your life circumstances, but I will say that I wouldn't give as much weight to what others think about how you say or do things. In this world, no matter how you act, someone somewhere will find you disappointing. I struggled with this when I was you ger, being in a split home situation where no matter which parents I tried to please, I was then letting down someone else. They were projecting what they prefer onto me, rather than asking what I wanted or giving me a say. Eventually said screw it. As long as that's the case, then why bother fighting to please everyone? Might as well be myself and do what makes me happy. The people who I want around will like that truer version of me, and if others can't accept it and leave, then good: I don't need their lack of validation poisoning my soul.

As much as you can, I'd encourage doing the same. Spend less time around people who are that way, or with family you can't avoid, just ignore it. And on the flip side, focus more on the things you enjoy, however "dumb" or "pointless" they may be. If they make you happy, that's all that matters. And never let the way those people act define your sense of value. That's within you, and something nobody can ever take, no matter how hard they try.

You seem like you are keen to keep fighting for things to better, and I admire that. Hold onto that spirit.

 

[sashimi_]

i really relate to that spiral feeling.. i think to it like a revolving door that you can't get out of. i don't have any advice, but i still wish you the best

 

[graymatter]

Thanks, reading both your reply's feels better than I want to admit. But then again I feel like a parasite, dropping my problems on others, fishing for empathy.

I try ignoring others opinions but the more I try, the more my thoughts drift back to long gone experiences which still hurt deeply. I almost forgot about it but for weeks now it's constantly haunting me. Especially the constant devaluation of things I care for makes it difficult to enjoy the same anymore. Most feel just bleak. Things I looked up to and thought should be highly appreciated don't spark joy in me even though I still think they are worth it.

I want to avoid social situations which only end in devaluation of my opinions but there are many I still attend just because I feel obligated to. I fear when I skip the obligations I'll find that they have been the only thing holding me together and make me get up in the morning however painful they are.

@sashimi_: I'm not sure if advice even helps but not telling me my problems aren't real is more than I got in years so thanks for the consoling words. It means a lot.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Thanks, reading both your reply's feels better than I want to admit. But then again I feel like a parasite, dropping my problems on others, fishing for empathy.

I try ignoring others opinions but the more I try, the more my thoughts drift back to long gone experiences which still hurt deeply. I almost forgot about it but for weeks now it's constantly haunting me. Especially the constant devaluation of things I care for makes it difficult to enjoy the same anymore. Most feel just bleak. Things I looked up to and thought should be highly appreciated don't spark joy in me even though I still think they are worth it.

I want to avoid social situations which only end in devaluation of my opinions but there are many I still attend just because I feel obligated to. I fear when I skip the obligations I'll find that they have been the only thing holding me together and make me get up in the morning however painful they are.

@sashimi_: I'm not sure if advice even helps but not telling me my problems aren't real is more than I got in years so thanks for the consoling words. It means a lot.

Sharing your struggles isn't parasitic, it's human. You've been dealt a tough hand, an abusive hand that has conditioned you to think wanting understanding and acceptance is a burden you are placing on others. It's not. I'm here now, and I feel no burden from you. Actually I feel lighter, because having convo with people who understand what it is like to struggle and appreciate meaningful conversation is so damn refreshing. I wish it were under better circumstances for you, but still, talking to you has made my day better in the way I mentioned.

For the record, if you ever feel like you aren't up for a social thing, then don't feel pressured to, by them or by yourself. Sometimes we need company. Sometimes, we need space. Whichever we want in the moment, other people and them wanting you there or not doesn't give your life its value. Your value is within you, whether it feels like you have any or not. My point is, if you want some space one of these times to clear your head, stay in and focus on you. You'll still matter just as much. But for what it's worth I respect the side of it where your reason for wanting to be there is for those people. You seem like a good friend that way. Wish we had more people like you in that regard, of trying their best to be supportive. Just don't let it be at your own expense.

 

[graymatter]

I already avoid most social situations and I'd like to avoid the rest too but it's difficult. But most people who want to entangle me in social situations don't do it because they enjoy my company but because it is expected. I don't think people who know me would agree with you, quite the opposite but I can't blame them, I feel the same way.

Lately I'm thinking a lot about quitting my job to avoid the constant guilt about not keeping up but I have no alternatives. Every day I'm stalling getting up in the morning because I hate being here and it takes me ages to even get out of the bed. Then I'm working late to avoid meeting people on the way out - feeling trapped all day. Then thinking all night about how to avoid this shit. Most frustrating is that the most critique comes from the most incompetent colleges. I'm not willing to give in but also can't fight anymore.