Not sure I’m ready but my half ass plan is in place

[Corpse_74]

Been reading for a while but can't figure out if I belong or not.

Life hit me hard lately. 45 year old male married for 15 years and have a 14 year old son and a 11 year old son.

Noticed something off with my wife lately and asked the questions I didn't want the answer to be. Told me she wants to leave and is done with our marriage but half heartedly agreed to see if I could fix it. Blames me for everything, being cold, not treating her as they do in the romance movies etc. I've loved her since the day I met her. No indescretions, never cheated, never hit and never ventured out doing drugs etc. Changed my life around when I asked her to marry me. I've been hard on my kids, in many ways. I've always taken my frustration with her out on them. Pushing them to succeed at sports and when she's mad I get mad at them. That being said I've done everything for them, never do they go without and I don't do anything for myself just them. I am a protector so whenever my kids bitched about her and her faults I shut them down and tell them to respect their mother. She's never done the same, more so she's poked them for info on me to use against me.

I can't even comprehend a life without her as my wife. I can't eat or sleep and I've never been so depressed in my life. I already suffer from post concussion syndrome as is so it doesn't help the situation. I'm far from perfect and I can own that, I should of been better.

I'm extremely jealous but I've never had a reason to show it much but it eats me inside. Insecure I guess always thinking I don't deserve her.

She's still at home and still wearing ring and in my bed. Kisses me goodnight but won't say I love you. Won't be intimate with me and purposely shut down on me even when she was wanting to be. If she's does leave I know the life ahead will be miserable and unbearable. I'll drive my kids away or have them eventually hate me cause I won't be able to act right. If there was another guy I would of already acted and it wouldn't be a good outcome. My oldest son knows there is an issue, he talked to her about it last night and she told him that we are having issues but we're gonna figure it out. He asked her to please try and that he doesn't want us to get a divorce and she told him we wouldn't.

If I do CTB it will be at a set of waterfalls where I proposed. I'll likely use a gun so the odds are best to do it right. Pain isn't a issue, just pull the trigger and be done. For my kids sake I'd consider making it an accident instead.

My kids are my reason for not at the moment but I'm not sure I can be a good dad knowing the way I'll be without her. Having her move out and start to move on with life will destroy me, makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

Almost CTB'ed last night but held off. I'm a wreck, scared to do it cause I'm reading to much in to this. Maybe there is hope I dunno.

 

[Jolene40]

Surely the only way to save your marriage is to know exactly what the problem is - from her perspective. Why exactly does she want to end things. Is it because you are too cold?
As a mum, watching my kids dad take his anger out on them would be a huge turn off for me and i would not stand for it. ( im on your side btw, i want to give you another perspective).
Are you generally depressed anyway and have or do you see a therapist. I couldn't recommend highly enough for me. The right one really did help.
You would cope if it didn't work out. You have your kids. You don't need to be hard on them as it will only make things worse for your relationship with them. It needs to go somewhere else. Is counselling- on your own- an option?

 

[Corpse_74]

Surely the only way to save your marriage is to know exactly what the problem is - from her perspective. Why exactly does she want to end things. Is it because you are too cold?
As a mum, watching my kids dad take his anger out on them would be a huge turn off for me and i would not stand for it. ( im on your side btw, i want to give you another perspective).
Are you generally depressed anyway and have or do you see a therapist. I couldn't recommend highly enough for me. The right one really did help.
You would cope if it didn't work out. You have your kids. You don't need to be hard on them as it will only make things worse for your relationship with them. It needs to go somewhere else. Is counselling- on your own- an option?

I've started counseling. I'm willing to do anything to make this work and give my family a good life. My counselor tells me I own to much burden of this and the things I've done are fixable. She's seen him also but she hasn't discussed it with me.

I'm so damn confused.

If I can't fix this I have all my loans and debt insured plus my work life insurance and long term savings plan. I can make them debt free and have a nice nest egg of about $750K left over. I've done all my homework on the clauses and it will set them up well.

 

[Worndown]

Not to sound callous but life will go on without her. You have two sons that will need you and an "ex-wife to be" that will not.
Many of us have been there.
Focus on your next steps and they should not be near a waterfall.

 

[headinghome]

Do you know how blessed you are to have children???? When your wife gave birth… You signed an unwritten contract… Do you want them to suffer like you are suffering.........You have the strength and ability to move forward… Just do it

 

[Dead beat dad]

Been reading for a while but can't figure out if I belong or not.

Life hit me hard lately. 45 year old male married for 15 years and have a 14 year old son and a 11 year old son.

Noticed something off with my wife lately and asked the questions I didn't want the answer to be. Told me she wants to leave and is done with our marriage but half heartedly agreed to see if I could fix it. Blames me for everything, being cold, not treating her as they do in the romance movies etc. I've loved her since the day I met her. No indescretions, never cheated, never hit and never ventured out doing drugs etc. Changed my life around when I asked her to marry me. I've been hard on my kids, in many ways. I've always taken my frustration with her out on them. Pushing them to succeed at sports and when she's mad I get mad at them. That being said I've done everything for them, never do they go without and I don't do anything for myself just them. I am a protector so whenever my kids bitched about her and her faults I shut them down and tell them to respect their mother. She's never done the same, more so she's poked them for info on me to use against me.

I can't even comprehend a life without her as my wife. I can't eat or sleep and I've never been so depressed in my life. I already suffer from post concussion syndrome as is so it doesn't help the situation. I'm far from perfect and I can own that, I should of been better.

I'm extremely jealous but I've never had a reason to show it much but it eats me inside. Insecure I guess always thinking I don't deserve her.

She's still at home and still wearing ring and in my bed. Kisses me goodnight but won't say I love you. Won't be intimate with me and purposely shut down on me even when she was wanting to be. If she's does leave I know the life ahead will be miserable and unbearable. I'll drive my kids away or have them eventually hate me cause I won't be able to act right. If there was another guy I would of already acted and it wouldn't be a good outcome. My oldest son knows there is an issue, he talked to her about it last night and she told him that we are having issues but we're gonna figure it out. He asked her to please try and that he doesn't want us to get a divorce and she told him we wouldn't.

If I do CTB it will be at a set of waterfalls where I proposed. I'll likely use a gun so the odds are best to do it right. Pain isn't a issue, just pull the trigger and be done. For my kids sake I'd consider making it an accident instead.

My kids are my reason for not at the moment but I'm not sure I can be a good dad knowing the way I'll be without her. Having her move out and start to move on with life will destroy me, makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

Almost CTB'ed last night but held off. I'm a wreck, scared to do it cause I'm reading to much in to this. Maybe there is hope I dunno.

Hi brother it sounds like you are in a very dark place, with a lot of pain to be managing.
No one will truly understand what you are going through, but will still judge you all the same.
You will not have been the first man out there to have made mistakes and also got things wrong when trying to put them right.
You sound like a diligent, hard working type of man and I sincerely hope you can find the peace and reconciliation you seek, in what ever form it takes.
I wish you every speck of luck and peace on your journey brother, some times the light is the one we deserve, but not always the one we need.
Peace friend.
DBD

 

[Ruffian]

Have you ever had the urge to ctb before this incident? If not, I would lean towards waiting this out and talk to a therapist. It sounds like you are already aware you have some issues, so that's a huge hurdle towards changing. IME and you can get a 2nd, objective opinion on this - you & your wife should not be having individual sessions with the same therapist. Because it can create a doubt as to which "side" your therapist is on. Who started seeing a therapist 1st? If she did & that counselor recommended themself to see you as well, IMHO run for the hills. I went through this personally in a past relationship & found out later from another therapist that it is not best practice.

 

[lost_soul83]

Do you know how blessed you are to have children???? When your wife gave birth… You signed an unwritten contract… Do you want them to suffer like you are suffering.........You have the strength and ability to move forward… Just do it

Look, I always thought I'd never ctb because I could never leave my son. But I also never dreamed my life would get this bad and I'd feel this horrible. Some people just have a breaking point and that's it. You have no idea what it's like to be in this guy's shoes. I guess what I'm saying is, don't "push" your opinion on him, let him decide. Btw, I do think his life can go on without his wife, but it's not my place to tell him what to do, just my opinion.

 

[Corpse_74]

I appreciate all the feedback.

I have always imagined having a good reason to CTB. I've always said if something happened to a kid of mine I'd do it just in case there was something on the other side that way they wouldn't be alone. Far fetched I know but something I've thought about.

I guess the reality is I don't want to CTB but a part of mean believes things would be better without me if she leaves me. The misery of me being gone or the misery of me being around and having such a negative affect on their lives.

Selfishly the no pain of watching the life I love leaving me and also the financial security I can give my boys by CTB is a strong reason to think of doing it.

I apologize that maybe I'm venting and not using this forum as intended. That being said I'll use the ideas here if I do decide it's the answer.

Anyone in Canada ever get access to any of the good stuff that is discussed on here for CTB?

Ideally if possible I'd like to change my theory on the how and make it be an accident and save that pain for my kids.
Okay she left me and I'm sitting in my living room staring at a wall. Can't seem to muster up the courage to put a hunting knife through the ticker right now. Figured I could but just can't get in done. I have no desire to go on and if what I'm doing is my life now than I want it done.

Anyone in Canada order any of the good stuff to CTB? Figure I'll get things in place and be ready at this point.

My kids are better off without my. With all my insurances and stuff I can set them up nice and the loss can be overcome given the pain they'll see me in.
Okay she left me and I'm sitting in my living room staring at a wall. Can't seem to muster up the courage to put a hunting knife through the ticker right now. Figured I could but just can't get in done. I have no desire to go on and if what I'm doing is my life now than I want it done.

Anyone in Canada order any of the good stuff to CTB? Figure I'll get things in place and be ready at this point.

My kids are better off without my. With all my insurances and stuff I can set them up nice and the loss can be overcome given the pain they'll see me in.
Okay she left me and I'm sitting in my living room staring at a wall. Can't seem to muster up the courage to put a hunting knife through the ticker right now. Figured I could but just can't get in done. I have no desire to go on and if what I'm doing is my life now than I want it done.

Anyone in Canada order any of the good stuff to CTB? Figure I'll get things in place and be ready at this point.

My kids are better off without my. With all my insurances and stuff I can set them up nice and the loss can be overcome given the pain they'll see me in.

I appreciate all the feedback.

I have always imagined having a good reason to CTB. I've always said if something happened to a kid of mine I'd do it just in case there was something on the other side that way they wouldn't be alone. Far fetched I know but something I've thought about.

I guess the reality is I don't want to CTB but a part of mean believes things would be better without me if she leaves me. The misery of me being gone or the misery of me being around and having such a negative affect on their lives.

Selfishly the no pain of watching the life I love leaving me and also the financial security I can give my boys by CTB is a strong reason to think of doing it.

I apologize that maybe I'm venting and not using this forum as intended. That being said I'll use the ideas here if I do decide it's the answer.

Anyone in Canada ever get access to any of the good stuff that is discussed on here for CTB?

Ideally if possible I'd like to change my theory on the how and make it be an accident and save that pain for my kids.

Okay she left me and I'm sitting in my living room staring at a wall. Can't seem to muster up the courage to put a hunting knife through the ticker right now. Figured I could but just can't get in done. I have no desire to go on and if what I'm doing is my life now than I want it done.

Anyone in Canada order any of the good stuff to CTB? Figure I'll get things in place and be ready at this point.

My kids are better off without my. With all my insurances and stuff I can set them up nice and the loss can be overcome given the pain they'll see me in.