Help Not sure if I should- what is your advice

[Treeline589]

I feel a bit stupid for even posting this, but this is where I am at right now.

This is probably going to sound silly but I'm throwing it out there anyway. I teeter between wanting to CTB and recovery. I think I definitely want to end it, but then have thoughts like I am having now where I apparently subconsciously want someone to stop me. Not sure why I do this but I guess I really don't want to die even though I think I do. It's a Heck of a place to be.

Anyhow onto my question. A few days ago I was really upset because my current therapist of 6 years is ending therapy with me in a few weeks. I shared with him I was having suicidal thoughts again and he knows at one time a method I had thought of was that I had been considering buying N. He knew about my plan but also knew I hadn't bought it so we did some safety measures to keep me from having to go to the hospital. Fast forward to my mind currently. I went ahead ordered the N, sent the money and know that the payment was received. Part of me can't wait for it to get here because it will be a way to get out of here. But here's the kicker- part of me wants to tell my therapist that I did indeed order the N. And the part that wants to tell him is pretty loud. Yes, I realize that would get me sent to the hospital ( and yes I know that's a lot of money to spend to just order the N ). I guess I'm just looking for some opinions on what I should do. Do I tell the therapist or just keep quiet? I figure here in the recovery section some of you might be able to relate and have some advice. Thanks

 

[georgecostanza]

I think one should be really sure about deciding something that has as fundamental consquences as suicide. When in doubt, it's probably not the right time. If therapy felt helpful then finding a new therapist will likely be the right decision.

 

[Manaaja]

I can understand. Most suicidal people are between "I want to die" and "I don't want to die". I don't think anyone ever wants to 100% ctb no matter how bad their life is.

I think it depends on the reasons you want to ctb. If it's real N - and of course if you do receive it - it can probably survive in a freezer or fridge (I'm not sure what's the best place for it) for some time, so you can postpone your decision.

Write your thoughts down and think about your reasons. Also, think what you really want? What you really desire? And choose that. Be honest to yourself.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I'm in the exact same situation. I've had my plan ready to go for the last few weeks but planned to execute it (pun intended) on the 13th. Yet somehow I've alerted the people around me to my struggles, and so now my mother is organising treatment for me. It's only just started but I wonder if perhaps this is the time things will truly improve? And yet I'm so angry at myself for being 'weak' and capitulating so easily. Or rather, entertaining the thought. I've still got six days to make a decision. I try to tell myself I can always delay it, but if I'm honest with providers I'm certain my method will get tossed, and the 13th is the only convenient time to do it. Plus, the longer I wait in this mindset, the more I ruin my life due to shadow-living or self sabotage, however you want to call it.

 

[Treeline589]

It's only just started but I wonder if perhaps this is the time things will truly improve?

Thanks for sharing your situation. It does make me wonder the same thing, maybe this time things will improve. I know your not weak though so don't think that. I wish you good luck in whichever route you choose.

 

[lili]

I've experienced this a lot and it makes me feel like a coward. I'm nervous of these feelings when my SN arrives. If you are having many doubts and still have hope, you should not do it.

In my case, I've always wanted someone to come and save me. I've had attempts where no one did, I just survived by waking up in the hospital. I've also had people save me multiple times, to the point where they are deeply affected and can't really deal with me anymore. They've told me they can no longer be my friends.

Where I stand, a part of me wishes I could tell all these new friends I have about my plans, but I know our friendship will never be the same. The sad reality is that I can't depend on others to save me, I will just end up sucking their life energy away from them. From all the hollowness and loneliness that exists inside of me, I can't drain people's life energy away. It's sad how either option is terrible and cruel. I feel frustrated that for the sake of everyone around me, I have to keep my problems to myself. But then it sucks how people are so avoidant over this topic, and deeply scared.

A part of me hates how easily traumatized people get over talking about suicide, but I try to understand the torment I can accidentally give to others. I wish though it could be spoken of casually.

So yeah I have these thoughts a lot, but I also feel I don't want to keep inflicting my problems onto others.

 

[june]

You are doing your best mate. Its good that you voiced your doubts. Maybe somebody has a story that will help you

 

[Julgran]

I feel a bit stupid for even posting this, but this is where I am at right now.

This is probably going to sound silly but I'm throwing it out there anyway. I teeter between wanting to CTB and recovery. I think I definitely want to end it, but then have thoughts like I am having now where I apparently subconsciously want someone to stop me. Not sure why I do this but I guess I really don't want to die even though I think I do. It's a Heck of a place to be.

Anyhow onto my question. A few days ago I was really upset because my current therapist of 6 years is ending therapy with me in a few weeks. I shared with him I was having suicidal thoughts again and he knows at one time a method I had thought of was that I had been considering buying N. He knew about my plan but also knew I hadn't bought it so we did some safety measures to keep me from having to go to the hospital. Fast forward to my mind currently. I went ahead ordered the N, sent the money and know that the payment was received. Part of me can't wait for it to get here because it will be a way to get out of here. But here's the kicker- part of me wants to tell my therapist that I did indeed order the N. And the part that wants to tell him is pre tty loud. Yes, I realize that would get me sent to the hospital ( and yes I know that's a lot of money to spend to just order the N ). I guess I'm just looking for some opinions on what I should do. Do I tell the therapist or just keep quiet? I figure here in the recovery section some of you might be able to relate and have some advice. Thanks

There's no should or should not when it comes to ending your life. Also, your personal circumstances can't be evaluated by someone else, since we are very different people, which means that a circumstance that might make someone else feel suicidal might not make you suicidal, and vice versa.

The decision is completely up to you, and we will support you either way. I hope that you find the way that's right for you

In my opinion, if you are scared of death or are not completely sure yet that you wish to end your life, try to find other avenues of living life somehow. Ending one's life is final, so if you want to live, for any reason, try everything that you can. Then, you can always return here and look around for end-of-life methods. Good luck to you!

As for myself, I have two orders of SN that await my eventual end-of-life decision, and at least one of them has a shelf-life of October 2024, so I basically have all the time in the world to decide to end my life, or not.