Not sure I can wait

[Reallyreallyreally]

Does this site use trigger warnings? I promise I read the rules twice but my brain gets really slippery. I talk about sexual assault here.






I promised my friend I'm not going anywhere while she's in cancer treatment. I said that about a job that would have taken me away, but I'm not sure I can wait on ctb. I feel on the one hand I have to keep my word, but on the other hand here in life I feel like squatter. Like I'm occupying property that isn't mine because I don't have one of my own. I don't like it. And I feel like a rubber band about to snap.

I might feel differently if I didn't keep finding myself an outcast even amongst outcasts. I feel like a very selfish person because when I go there will be all these people who like me who will feel like they could have done more but the truth is that none of us are close. I want that closeness but it doesn't happen very often and when it does it doesn't last. ASD's most fun feature is this problem right here.

Add in the PTSD and I get these really fun flashbacks where I can feel myself being assaulted when nobody is physically present. When I was really young I thought it meant I was schizophrenic but I learned through online groups like this one what they really were/are.

I told my therapist about this week before last. She asked how often it happens and I told her it was pretty often. It used to be. It's only sometimes now but I have a tendency to think that whatever is going on in any given moment is what is happening all the time, and then in the next session last week it wasn't and I could see her face and it sure looked to me like she thought I'm full of shit. I've gotten this impression before but she denied it. I can never tell if I'm being gaslit or if I'm actually just paranoid. Anyway I asked her a personal question last week about something serious and her face registered a level of trauma that even her professional poker face couldn't smooth over so tomorrow will likely be our last. I feel really bad for asking it. I didn't mean to be hurtful and I did apologize but I did that over a message. She said in session it was fine and she did answer after some deliberation but that face said it all. It wasn't fine and she wasn't fine.

But back to the issue at hand, I hope there's no afterlife that reflects the kind of person you feel yourself to be because I'm not sure I can wait and if there is I'm going nowhere good. I feel like my brain and arms are being pulled on and the invisible assaulters have been doing their thing and it's really really awful. On the bright side I can tell the difference between this and when it's an actual person. That would be much worse I think.

My therapist thinks that if I do my meditation every day I'll be fine. I would be better but sometimes when I do it I can feel them crawling on me and in me and I can't put it to words to talk about it in therapy because when I try I either get scared and clam up or I dissociate and basically get lost in wonderland.

Sometimes I can talk to friends about it but that's usually the catalyst for them making their way out the door. Usually I only see them a couple times after that. Maybe I'm different once I get comfortable. I have a dear sweet friend who knows and is still here but she lives over a thousand miles away. I miss her.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Does your ASD inhibit you from interpreting facial expressions? It doesn't sound like it.

My perspective on your post:

You seem to me to be able to recognize the micro expressions people unconsciously reveal before putting on the expression of what they want to convey. You also seem adept at recognizing the internal red flags that tell you someone is gaslighting, that is, trying to convince you that what you experienced is not reality.

She is a therapist, and making disclosures to therapist is part of the process. It's not for you to own how she perceives and manages it, that's her responsibility. Under her licensure she likely receives supervision to manage difficult disclosures, and if she is unable, it is her responsibility to take steps to get you set up with an appropriate therapist you are comfortable for your safety and her own. That said, you know what you're experiencing with her, and you are responsible for you, so it sounds like a rational and wise choice to leave her.

I don't know if you've checked into trauma-informed therapists. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not, depending on you, the modality, and the therapist. I had great success with EMDR for one trauma, but not for others. Just throwing this paragraph out there in case you need it.

It sounds like you are experiencing difficulty with responsibility for others' emotions and wants. It's admirable to want to do no harm to others and keep promises, but your feeling like a rubber band that's going to snap sounds like your emotions are serving you to say you are overwhelmed and need to focus on yourself and your own emotions, needs, and wants for a while. That's not selfish, it's necessary. You are not their caregiver, although relationships are like mutual caregiving. One can only do so much for others, one also has to take care of themselves or they cannot continue to effectively care for and be present for others.

I can't offer you any solutions, just my perspective, but I do hope you feel supported, and that you feel like you get support here. Sending empathy and compassion.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Does your ASD inhibit you from interpreting facial expressions? It doesn't sound like it.

My perspective on your post:

You seem to me to be able to recognize the micro expressions people unconsciously reveal before putting on the expression of what they want to convey. You also seem adept at recognizing the internal red flags that tell you someone is gaslighting, that is, trying to convince you that what you experienced is not reality.

She is a therapist, and making disclosures to therapist is part of the process. It's not for you to own how she perceives and manages it, that's her responsibility. Under her licensure she likely receives supervision to manage difficult disclosures, and if she is unable, it is her responsibility to take steps to get you set up with an appropriate therapist you are comfortable for your safety and her own. That said, you know what you're experiencing with her, and you are responsible for you, so it sounds like a rational and wise choice to leave her.

I don't know if you've checked into trauma-informed therapists. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not, depending on you, the modality, and the therapist. I had great success with EMDR for one trauma, but not for others. Just throwing this paragraph out there in case you need it.

It sounds like you are experiencing difficulty with responsibility for others' emotions and wants. It's admirable to want to do no harm to others and keep promises, but your feeling like a rubber band that's going to snap sounds like your emotions are serving you to say you are overwhelmed and need to focus on yourself and your own emotions, needs, and wants for a while. That's not selfish, it's necessary. You are not their caregiver, although relationships are like mutual caregiving. One can only do so much for others, one also has to take care of themselves or they cannot continue to effectively care for and be present for others.

I can't offer you any solutions, just my perspective, but I do hope you feel supported, and that you feel like you get support here. Sending empathy and compassion.

Thank you. This is helpful. No, I'm not impaired whatsoever in interpreting facial expressions. This is one of the reasons women on the high functioning end often go undiagnosed or are diagnosed much later in life that their male counterparts. One of my impairments is interpretation of social context and how to operate appropriately within that framework.

My therapist is definitely trauma informed. I've been seeing her for a long time and I think she just has a lot going on in her personal life. She's picked up on my reticence and has tried to ask me about it, so I know she's definitely got a fair amount of self awareness where this is all concerned, and I am definitely not always right when I think I'm being gaslit.

You're right, I have a tendency to tools myself responsible for things that have nothing to do with me. But you may be right about it being time to find someone new. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow. Actually I won't be able to avoid it because I messaged her about this last night. The trick now will be to avoid her sticking me in a hospital because I also messaged her that I found a site where I can be frank about things rather than calling her, referring to an agreement that I will call her if I'm at that point where I'm set up and about to go through with ctb. She doesn't let me get around essential conversations. She's usually as good at reading me as I am with her, though I don't know if she realizes I'm right there with her. I think she does though. Sometimes she points out states I'm in that I didn't realize myself. She's suggested before that we might find me someone who specializes in somatics. She meant in addition to working with her, but she holds no illusions that she can operate outside the framework of her training and I respect people who are up front in that way.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I went to my appointment and it was okay. She didn't give me the boot like I thought she would and she wasn't upset. I've thought several times before that this would happen. She wants me to track my moods and my cycle in a binder she's going to bring me next week.

I told her I found d a place online where I can talk about being suicidal in more frank terms than I can with her because of her mandated reporter status. I didn't tell her the name of it because I don't want her to read what I've written, which I also told her. She was worried that a bunch of suicidal people talking might egg each other on but I told her that's not what happens and that I feel less like it because everyone is supportive here no matter which side people are on, so she says she's glad I found this group.

I backed up a little bit from my friend with cancer also. Just for a little while. I have a cold right now so I can't see her anyway. Talking to her on the phone I feel less isolated, though in person is better, but Goodpersoneffed is right, I do have to take care of myself. This cold is forcing me to take a break. My body does that sometimes. It's like a fail-safe for when I disregard myself too much.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I went to my appointment and it was okay. She didn't give me the boot like I thought she would and she wasn't upset. I've thought several times before that this would happen. She wants me to track my moods and my cycle in a binder she's going to bring me next week.

I told her I found d a place online where I can talk about being suicidal in more frank terms than I can with her because of her mandated reporter status. I didn't tell her the name of it because I don't want her to read what I've written, which I also told her. She was worried that a bunch of suicidal people talking might egg each other on but I told her that's not what happens and that I feel less like it because everyone is supportive here no matter which side people are on, so she says she's glad I found this group.

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!! Thank you for updating!

It inspired me to write a letter to an imaginary therapist. Hope it's okay to share here. If not let me know and I'll delete it and post elsewhere, I don't want to derail your thread.

Dear therapist:

I have worked in mental health services and also benefited from receiving them. At its best, therapy is a safe space to broach for exploration any topic, to be heard and supported, and to experience the freedoms of autonomy and self-determination. But mandated reporting limits what a client can when contemplating the various aspects of one of the most ancient and rational quandaries of human life: suicide.

I take part in a pro-choice online forum. It is an exceedingly compassionate, supportive, kind, and rational place. There are no gruesome cheerleaders. There is no bullying. It is overwhelmingly populated with ethical peers of all ages and social strata from around the world who conscientiously explore the vast variety of impacts and implications of the choice to end one's own life and the means for doing so. It is absolutely not pro-death, nor is it pro-life, but pro-choice. Conversations are focused on making one's own best choices; oftentimes, the choices include to continuing to live and even pursing new avenues to improve one's quality of life.

Consider the debate regarding abortion between pro-choice and pro-life factions. Pro-life says abortion should not be an option, yet many will pursue it anyway, often with horrific results. The best pro-choice organization would provide a wealth of factual data and compassionate support to make an informed decision of self-determination for one's own body and life, exploring options for abortion as well as adoption and keeping the child.

In comparison, this pro-choice online forum provides the equivalent when one is considering the unavoidable existential question of whether or not to end their own life. It helps thousands of people who feel unheard and misunderstood, and are effectively ostracized and practically criminalized, because they are considering suicide as an option to end potentially insupportable conditions. It helps them avoid rashly pursing the option of suicide without support or facts, only to potentially experience horrible results for themselves or others.

The options of abortion and suicide will always exist regardless of approval; pro-choice support gives people safe and compassionate spaces to experience self-determination and to explore all possible options and the implications of each.

By looking at the forbidden out in the open, it loses its power to control, to lure, or to incite or feed obsession. Anxiety and depression are greatly reduced when one is accepted along with their concerns, ideas, autonomy, and right to self-determination. If only society provided more spaces to freely question and explore, without fear of losing freedoms, the darkest concepts with which we all internally engage.

Sincerely and respectfully,

An anonymous 48-year-old woman

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!! Thank you for updating!

It inspired me to write a letter to an imaginary therapist. Hope it's okay to share here. If not let me know and I'll delete it and post elsewhere, I don't want to derail your thread.

Dear therapist:

I have worked in mental health services and also benefited from receiving them. At its best, therapy is a safe space to broach for exploration any topic, to be heard and supported, and to experience the freedoms of autonomy and self-determination. But mandated reporting limits what a client can when contemplating the various aspects of one of the most ancient and rational quandaries of human life: suicide.

I take part in a pro-choice online forum. It is an exceedingly compassionate, supportive, kind, and rational place. There are no gruesome cheerleaders. There is no bullying. It is overwhelmingly populated with ethical peers of all ages and social strata from around the world who conscientiously explore the vast variety of impacts and implications of the choice to end one's own life and the means for doing so. It is absolutely not pro-death, nor is it pro-life, but pro-choice. Conversations are focused on making one's own best choices; oftentimes, the choices include to continuing to live and even pursing new avenues to improve one's quality of life.

Consider the debate regarding abortion between pro-choice and pro-life factions. Pro-life says abortion should not be an option, yet many will pursue it anyway, often with horrific results. The best pro-choice organization would provide a wealth of factual data and compassionate support to make an informed decision of self-determination for one's own body and life, exploring options for abortion as well as adoption and keeping the child.

In comparison, this pro-choice online forum provides the equivalent when one is considering the unavoidable existential question of whether or not to end their own life. It helps thousands of people who feel unheard and misunderstood, and are effectively ostracized and practically criminalized, because they are considering suicide as an option to end potentially insupportable conditions. It helps them avoid rashly pursing the option of suicide without support or facts, only to potentially experience horrible results for themselves or others.

The options of abortion and suicide will always exist regardless of approval; pro-choice support gives people safe and compassionate spaces to experience self-determination and to explore all possible options and the implications of each.

By looking at the forbidden out in the open, it loses its power to control, to lure, or to incite or feed obsession. Anxiety and depression are greatly reduced when one is accepted along with their concerns, ideas, autonomy, and right to self-determination. If only society provided more spaces to freely question and explore, without fear of losing freedoms, the darkest concepts with which we all internally engage.

Sincerely and respectfully,

An anonymous 48-year-old woman

This is a wonderfully written letter. I think my therapist would like it. Despite how paranoid I get about her sometimes, she's really insightful and thoughtful and is always receptive to well thought out points of view.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This is a wonderfully written letter. I think my therapist would like it. Despite how paranoid I get about her sometimes, she's really insightful and thoughtful and is always receptive to well thought out points of view.

Thank you! You are welcome to share it with her if so inclined. I'm happy for you that you have such a good relationship with her and that she seems to prove deserving of your trust.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Thank you! You are welcome to share it with her if so inclined. I'm happy for you that you have such a good relationship with her and that she seems to prove deserving of your trust.

I think I will.