Help Not sure how

[hopeless08]

The mornings are the worst for me, when you wake up and reality hits you. That's when I get that impulsive feeling that I have to go but I live with my family and I don't have a method . I wish it was easy with pills because I have tons, antidepressants, benzodiazepines and so on but the chances of it succeeding are low. I can't stand this unbearable pain, it's
torture for me to live, to breathe. I want to do the charcoal burning but it's so complicated I've read the threads but I don't understand anything regarding all the measurements/calculations. Isn't there any other way that's not painful?
I think that once I have a plan in place that I know will work for sure, then I will have some peace of mind knowing that at anytime I can go.

 

[sanction]

Same. Most mornings I have CTB thoughts. Sometimes even before waking, such as half way through the sleep / night when you're temporarily awake for quick moment. I would have CTB thoughts even during that brief moment, as I dread the future

I noticed a pattern. After I'm awake for some time, and its middle of the day, I switch to trying to find solutions for the future instead, to see if can avoid CTB

But most of the time, the future just doesn't look promising, so I go back to CTB thoughts. But the mornings upon waking are when its the worst. I believe bipolar is similar to this, where you're constantly switching between positive and negative mood

But honestly, those terms "bipolar" are just words. We're just feeling the genuine struggle of life, and constantly stuck between trying to deal with it (out of no choice), while exhausted so want to give up, until a point it becomes a habit, and stuck in this mode

Many of us don't have "mental illness". Its just life is too hard, so we're always stuck between trying to survive/ fight, while wanting to quit. End up switching between the 2 back and forth all the time

 

[hopeless08]

Yeah when I wake up in the middle of the night and am aware that I have to face the morning, I take a tranquilizer to fall back asleep.as you said sometimes I think maybe just maybe somehow I can eventually live without the unbearable pain but then I quickly I change the thought, realizing there is not anything that will take my pain, suffering and circumstances away.
My mom and siblings love me very much and they are my world as well (as I'm writing this it brings me to tears) but they don't understand the extent of my pain.
I try to hide it from them but they obviously know I'm depressed cause I never leave the house and it hurts them, constantly telling me to get up and do things, get help but I can't it's so hard.
I don't want them to see me this way but on the other hand, the pain they will feel when I'm gone will kill them and it may seem selfish from my part but my pain is too strong.
Like you said it's a battle back and forth.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms, it's horrible to me how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch to instantly find peace from all suffering. It certainly would be such a relief if it's straightforward to just die when we wish to.