Venting Not "suicidal" but still feeling empty

[Saitama2]

I don't particularly want to ctb anymore but I don't mind if I die right now. Actually, when I get chest pain I feel excited because my heart might give up...

Truth is, I'm losing my mind, BADLY. Things almost never feel exciting, I can have some fun here and there, but it all ends up being empty. I have no purpose, I feel shitty about myself, I'm useless, don't have the energy to be useful. Currently doing some exercise and food control to change my physique but that's about it.

I have been under anaesthesia a few times and it's amazing. It feels like sleeping then waking up. If that's how dying feels (minus waking up), then I'll gladly take it. I don't do things to hurt myself but if someone threathened to kill me, I'd let them do it. Every day I'm secretly wishing I had sudden cardiac arrest.

When I go out with people I don't quite feel that same excitement, in fact, I feel embarrassment... What's the point of living anyways?

It really came to this, my mental state is broken, I can only keep it under control, but not improve it. I've tried MANY things.

So, that was my long venting. What about you?

 

[smaragdyne]

I can relate, I've started to purposefully ignore "fun" things or "good" feelings because I'm so disgusted by how pointless it seems. Most of my energy goes to just keeping the mask on around other people. I've been thinking similar thoughts myself about the whole "natural causes" fantasy. My one ex's mom apparently had an aneurysm a few years ago, sounds like a pretty good way out.

 

[Saitama2]

I can relate, I've started to purposefully ignore "fun" things or "good" feelings because I'm so disgusted by how pointless it seems. Most of my energy goes to just keeping the mask on around other people. I've been thinking similar thoughts myself about the whole "natural causes" fantasy. My one ex's mom apparently had an aneurysm a few years ago, sounds like a pretty good way out.

I wish you the best (or maybe the worst?)

 

[emptyenvelopes]

Honestly I can relate. I fantasize about dying in freak accidents a lot. More than I spend dreaming about the future. Which is quite telling..

 

[BlackDoor]

I too enjoy the sensation of going under anaesthesia, I do remember the last time just leaning into the feeling and thinking that I might not wake up (which didn't seem distressing in the least). I woke up with mild euphoria, and then it was over.

I don't know if death is anything like that, I imagine it's different... But if it was, it wouldn't be bad at all.

I feel really disconnected and disappointed with society and myself as a whole. I try to embrace the simple pleasures but I can't seem to switch off the thoughts that bring me back to feeling pessimistic and morose. I feel like an alien, like I'm not supposed to be here, with others who think that the world makes perfect sense and everything is as it should be.