ClaudeCTTE
Misunderstood...
- Aug 22, 2023
- 264
It's been 2 months since I haven't posted here...
My life only consists of thoughts and never actions.
I think about things but never do them...
One moment I'm happy, and the next I'm sad...
One day I'm full of energy and motivation, and the next day I'm in a bad mood...
I don't want to ctb, but I don't want to live either...
I don't understand the world...
I've realized I've been in a world surrounded by falsehoods, a world where I've completely lost my way, and I don't know where to go.
Every day I daydream, playing video games or listening to music. Whenever I step out of that circle, I start to feel bad because without those stimuli, my mind begins generating thousands of negative thoughts that I can't stop. It's probably because of my ADHD.
Each time I break out of that circle, my mind pays attention to everything around me, and I start questioning everything...
Why is this like that?
Why do people behave this way?
Why do people like that?
Why do people look at me?
Why do they ignore me?
Why am I here?
Why do people believe in those things?
This is when my therapist tells me to try to distract myself to avoid those thoughts. But what's the point of returning to that circle if I'm not doing anything "productive" according to society?
Other times, people ask me things related to my interests but with an approach of
"If you like that, why don't you study a career related to it?"
Suddenly my mind gets lost in my thoughts, and I don't know what to say...
In one paragraph, I say something, and in another, something completely different...
Sometimes I realize I don't think about CTB simply because there are still things I enjoy, and it seems like I'm just waiting for the moment when I can't enjoy anything at all.
I don't go to school because I don't want to go to a place where I'm always ignored.
I don't look for a job because I know it will be the only thing I do for the rest of my life.
But I have to do something because my parents are already in their sixties, and someone will have to support them...
And who will be with me in my complete loneliness?...
I realize I only enjoy being in my own world... And maybe that's why I never do anything. Perhaps I want to disappear from the real world but not from my own world...
Years go by, and I still don't understand where I'm supposed to go according to society.
I don't want to think about living, but I don't want to think about dying either...
At this moment, I can feel desperate, but in a few minutes, I'll feel calm, then happy, and ultimately return to the same point, an uncontrollable cycle...
My life only consists of thoughts and never actions.
I think about things but never do them...
One moment I'm happy, and the next I'm sad...
One day I'm full of energy and motivation, and the next day I'm in a bad mood...
I don't want to ctb, but I don't want to live either...
I don't understand the world...
I've realized I've been in a world surrounded by falsehoods, a world where I've completely lost my way, and I don't know where to go.
Every day I daydream, playing video games or listening to music. Whenever I step out of that circle, I start to feel bad because without those stimuli, my mind begins generating thousands of negative thoughts that I can't stop. It's probably because of my ADHD.
Each time I break out of that circle, my mind pays attention to everything around me, and I start questioning everything...
Why is this like that?
Why do people behave this way?
Why do people like that?
Why do people look at me?
Why do they ignore me?
Why am I here?
Why do people believe in those things?
This is when my therapist tells me to try to distract myself to avoid those thoughts. But what's the point of returning to that circle if I'm not doing anything "productive" according to society?
Other times, people ask me things related to my interests but with an approach of
"If you like that, why don't you study a career related to it?"
- "If you love music so much, why not become a musician to make money?"
Do they think I'll make money with my strange musical tastes in a place where people consume garbage? - If you love video games, why not become a game programmer?" Do they want to send me back to that disgusting place (college) where I was always excluded?
- "If you pay so much attention to details, why not dedicate yourself to """""?" Because I simply don't have the money to study...
Suddenly my mind gets lost in my thoughts, and I don't know what to say...
In one paragraph, I say something, and in another, something completely different...
Sometimes I realize I don't think about CTB simply because there are still things I enjoy, and it seems like I'm just waiting for the moment when I can't enjoy anything at all.
I don't go to school because I don't want to go to a place where I'm always ignored.
I don't look for a job because I know it will be the only thing I do for the rest of my life.
But I have to do something because my parents are already in their sixties, and someone will have to support them...
And who will be with me in my complete loneliness?...
I realize I only enjoy being in my own world... And maybe that's why I never do anything. Perhaps I want to disappear from the real world but not from my own world...
Years go by, and I still don't understand where I'm supposed to go according to society.
I don't want to think about living, but I don't want to think about dying either...
At this moment, I can feel desperate, but in a few minutes, I'll feel calm, then happy, and ultimately return to the same point, an uncontrollable cycle...
