Story Not really recovery, but kind of in the middle of things

[nozomu]

I'm in kind of a suicide purgatory right now. I , in general, don't think I really want to actively work towards recovery anymore. I have several methods at my disposal which I find comforting.

But, for days now, I've woken up and not wanted to die at all during the day. It is so strange. Even when the anxiety comes, I can manage it and it doesn't turn into full blown suicidality.

I think this is because the other day, I confessed my love to my partner. They told me they love me too. It was a lifelong dream of mine to love and be loved in return and I thought it would never happen to me. I'm still in (pleasant) shock. They say it to me out of nowhere too so I'm not always the only one saying it either. And tell me things like they really love everything about me and love the person that I am and that I am very special to them. I feel like someone might actually finally be seeing me for who I am. I never had this happen before. Like I've always felt my real person, the kind person i strive to be, doesn't get seen by anyone and I'm just subject to the cruelty of the world. Then this has happened now where someone says the things about me I've always longed to hear. Not even my own parents loved me. I've literally lived almost 29 years without love. But now someone loves me. And sees who I am, this kind and loving person who just wants to do better by the world than they received from the world.

I think I owe it to them to try to live. But I also know myself, that I can't promise myself a recovery, because if I ever lose this, this love I have longed for, I think I have to die. I obviously can't even tell them that because it sounds manipulative, so I just am hoping to hold on to this love. I hope I can hold on and be distracted for as long as I can. Even before we confessed love to one another I have recognized their ability to help me, because when I am with them I forget that I need to die. But now knowing that they love me, this feeling holds throughout the day and not just when they're here with me. I want to see where things go, even if the only way I can do it knowing if I ever lose this, I can die quickly. But I don't want to go yet. Even before we told each other this I wanted to live and give my love. I wanted to share joy with someone who means the world to me. I wanted someone to see me the way I see myself, a special and kind person who just wants to love and be loved. I have that now and I can't really believe it. Especially since it is coming after I fully prepared for my death.

The things I stopped doing when I accepted my fate, since I gave up on recovery: stopped taking all medications except benzodiazepines, stopped going to therapy, stopped most extraneous self care things besides basic needs

What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you handle this strange feeling of purgatory? Is it even feasible to just try to hold on without actually working for recovery?

 

[Rainy_days]

What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you handle this strange feeling of purgatory? Is it even feasible to just try to hold on without actually working for recovery?

No, I would say working on your recovery is the most sincere expression of your love towards them. I was in a somewhat similar situation and I wish I had worked on my issues rather than only basking in and clinging to the euphoria of feeling desired and understood. That state cannot last forever, and you don't want to end up dependent on them for something that no one can provide for you indefinitely. If this love is valuable to you, please don't approach it as something to put off suicide with, or that you'll kill yourself if you lose. Your partner absolutely will feel the burden of that whether you think you're hiding it from them or not.

 

[nozomu]

No, I would say working on your recovery is the most sincere expression of your love towards them. I was in a somewhat similar situation and I wish I had worked on my issues rather than only basking in and clinging to the euphoria of feeling desired and understood. That state cannot last forever, and you don't want to end up dependent on them for something that no one can provide for you indefinitely. If this love is valuable to you, please don't approach it as something to put off suicide with, or that you'll kill yourself if you lose. Your partner absolutely will feel the burden of that whether you think you're hiding it from them or not.

How do I do that though? I felt like I've kind of reached an impasse with myself in that in therapy I reached the point where I felt like I understand myself, but the issues that ultimately drive myself to suicide feel like they can't be treated. I have really bad Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and I can't logic my way through those episodes. And often it's the pain of RSD and similar that makes me feel like I need to CTB as well as chronic pain and other health issues. On top of a lifetime of mistreatment. I feel like maybe all I can do is get back on my meds but I don't think therapy can help me anymore after I reached my breaking point. I've gone to different ones for 12 years now and it just doesn't help me anymore

I do love them and cherish them very much. I want this to work and I'd love to spend a beautiful life with them. But I basically don't have faith in that it will work out because of how life has historically treated me which is why I feel like I can't let go of suicide as an option. I am going to work my hardest to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy. And fix the things I fucked up while I spent months thinking I'd CTB by new years so I have other stuff to be around for. But I really can't stand the idea of how painful it would be to lose this person. Even with a rich life I don't feel like I could move on after finally obtaining and losing the treasure I've wanted my entire life which is to be loved in earnest by someone else.

I woke up again not wanting to die. They gave me the gift of their love and I need to honor it and take it seriously. But I'm just confused about how to reconcile finally getting what I need at a time where, I broke down and finally got my bus ticket together. I'm not upset, it's just a very strange place to be, but a good kind of strange

 

[Rainy_days]

How do I do that though? I felt like I've kind of reached an impasse with myself in that in therapy I reached the point where I felt like I understand myself, but the issues that ultimately drive myself to suicide feel like they can't be treated. I have really bad Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and I can't logic my way through those episodes. And often it's the pain of RSD and similar that makes me feel like I need to CTB as well as chronic pain and other health issues. On top of a lifetime of mistreatment. I feel like maybe all I can do is get back on my meds but I don't think therapy can help me anymore after I reached my breaking point. I've gone to different ones for 12 years now and it just doesn't help me anymore

To be honest, I don't know. I can certainly empathize with trying things for years and being disillusioned with mental health treatment. It just seems worrisome to have given up all you'd been trying up until now while also trying to navigate the whirlwind that is the early stages of love.

I do love them and cherish them very much. I want this to work and I'd love to spend a beautiful life with them. But I basically don't have faith in that it will work out because of how life has historically treated me which is why I feel like I can't let go of suicide as an option. I am going to work my hardest to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy. And fix the things I fucked up while I spent months thinking I'd CTB by new years so I have other stuff to be around for. But I really can't stand the idea of how painful it would be to lose this person. Even with a rich life I don't feel like I could move on after finally obtaining and losing the treasure I've wanted my entire life which is to be loved in earnest by someone else.

I woke up again not wanting to die. They gave me the gift of their love and I need to honor it and take it seriously. But I'm just confused about how to reconcile finally getting what I need at a time where, I broke down and finally got my bus ticket together. I'm not upset, it's just a very strange place to be, but a good kind of strange

I'm glad that they are giving you happiness and a relief from long years of pain. Hope you can use the lifeline they have given you to build solid ground beneath your feet, so that you two can walk together.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

My apologies for my brain's being too fried for an in depth response, but going over your first entry, something bubbled up from the depths of my mind - an idea, opinion - I thought would be relevant to share: love is a foundational cosmic force of the universe. It's not something people "have" and can "give" to others; we're just conduits of it. It exists and transmit in a myriad ways - like knowledge, like light. I say this because if you were to theoretically have a good go riding the high of "receiving" love "from" your partner and that some day came to an end - it'd be a shame to end things because of that.

Of course it's something we all need, but the scarcity doesn't mean that it doesn't still exist and/or cannot be available to you again. It is all around, in many forms, some seen, some hidden, some familiar. Of course, so are things like pain and hate, which, for whatever reason, seem to be in much greater abundance/availability...I hope this weird ramble made any sense. I'm rooting for you. Remember there will always be buses and you can always renew your ticket.