Not ready to CTB, but compelled

[ambivalent.]

I have a family and job that are important to me. But depression/anxiety/stress/money issues/etc. are so so hard to cope with. Part of me wants to live and care for my children, who I absolutely adore and who deserve their mother, and believes life could get better. But suicide is on my mind and I feel like I'm on a track towards death faster than my soul wants to be. I drove by the tallest bridge in my state the other day. I keep thinking I should order sodium nitrite. That I should get it over with. That if I end my life I can rest and never think I of suicide again. I'm afraid I'm going to get admitted or die, and I need to avoid these for now, but don't know how. Help?

 

[timf]

There can be a mental barrier against telling friends or family how you are feeling. However, this can cut you off from their love and support as well. If one self-isolates their thoughts they can narrow and amplify. This can make thing worse for you. If you can find one person to be open with, it might help lower what has been building up.

 

[symphony]

I'm afraid I'm going to get admitted or die

My advice is to know the law in your area. In the US, generally to be admitted involuntarily, responders need to have sufficient evidence to believe that you are an imminent danger to yourself or others. It sounds like you don't have a plan to attempt so you should be safe to discuss that (say, with a therapist) without fear of being committed.

 

[ambivalent.]

Thanks:-). My therapist knows I'm struggling a lot but probably not the degree. I think that if I buy sodium nitrite and tell her that's what might lead to an admission. I have to not buy it. I didn't today, and I'm glad if that. I don't want to kill myself until I'm sure that I want to.

 

[affinity]

Thanks:-). My therapist knows I'm struggling a lot but probably not the degree. I think that if I buy sodium nitrite and tell her that's what might lead to an admission. I have to not buy it. I didn't today, and I'm glad if that. I don't want to kill myself until I'm sure that I want to.

I have no idea whether this will be remotely helpful to you, but here it goes…maybe we can relate to one another on some level..:

I've talked to my mother about my wishes to "purposely transition" and I've made clear my reasons why. Anyone with a functioning neocortex would understand why. It obviously upsets her, but the conversation simply ends on her telling me not to be so foolish and not taking my thoughts seriously. If she knew I thought about it every day for the past 2 years? It would likely kill her. My mother lives on the other end of the country and I manage her finances and generally walk her through every precarious situation that arises. Part of me believes she would be just fine without me and quite frankly, she would be better off. She thinks she cannot do things when she can. Plus, she would never have to worry about me again. Further, she's often advised me that she's often physically ill after our discussions, so there's that too - no more nausea-inducing convos.

I've skirted around the issue with friends. They're concerned and periodically check on me. I try to be very careful in my language because I'm fearful it will change how they look at me or they'll think I'm only saying it because I'm trying to manipulate them. I think at this point they feel helpless and have their own problems. Fair enough.

When I first joined this site, I would express that I appreciates that I'm very privileged in the sense that all of my issues could be resolved through money. I appreciate that is not the case for everyone.

But…

That has changed over the last month. I am at the point where my usual comforts/pleasures bring me no joy like working out, going for walks, watching my fav movies, using Kratom (don't ask, this was one of my biggest mistakes and I do not recommend), eating my fav foods and even sex is just…I suppose clinically I am suffering from major depression. But this is a next level malaise I have never experienced in my 40 years…the anxiety is also debilitating…

I'm one of those weirdos who meditates, using guided + sleep mediations and visualization exercises…like I'm sure many do, I like to visualize winning the lottery and how that would play out. 2 years ago, this would fill me with almost euphoria while doing my guided breathing and visualization(s). Now? I feel nothing. I can see myself winning the money and feeling sad, scared and alone and seriously angry with myself for not being happier. I know the lotto committees often ask you what you will do first with the money and other than securing housing because I am currently homeless, I would look them dead in the eye and tell them I wanted the best inpatient mental health treatment money can buy. I will cackle at them pondering whether to include that in my little "She's a winner!" blurb our province is required to draft/publish for lotto winners.

I appreciate that many wealthy people have expressed that money truly doesn't buy happiness and that in fact, large windfalls create even more problems.

My thinking is this: let's say I win the lotto in the next week and my most pressing concerns are satisfied, will I be happy? Or will I still be numb and miserable? The reality is, I have a lot of issues that need to be addressed by extensive therapy and while $ would allow me to address these issues (a blessing, to be sure), will I be glad that I hung on? Will it be worth it? Will I finally find my partner and my purpose? Will my ability to experience joy come back, ever? I know everyone outside of SS would just say this is depression talking and that I'll start to feel normal with help. I don't know. I've tried the meds. It made things worse and caused me to have a car accident. I haven't had therapy in 10 years bc it's impossible to access in my area.

As for your thoughts on securing your prospective means, I suppose the primary question is to what end or what purpose would it serve. Many have said it brings them comfort knowing they have it on hand (if necessary) and SN isn't exactly a means that can be (wisely) taken impulsively, like a gun for example. Maybe it would bring comfort, maybe not.

Based on what you've shared, you don't appear to be at the firm planning stage and that is just fine. Your therapist isn't going to raise the alarm unless they believe you're an imminent threat to yourself. Contemplating means doesn't make you an imminent threat. Saying you have a gun and that you're planning to use it is very different. If you have an established and trusting relationship with your therapist, I would explore how you're feeling and perhaps even come right out and share your concerns that you're fearful of sharing. If they're worth their salt, they'll come right out and tell you what circumstances would trigger their professional responsibility RE mandatory reporting.