Venting not mentally ill, in physical pain, severely traumatized or disabled. i still want to die.

[curiouscvnt]

Thinking of the pain that my loved ones would go thru in the event of my planned or unplanned death causes me emotional pain, but not enough to supercede the desire for death. I don't want to only live for them, either.
I feel very lonely because it's very difficult and not acceptable to talk about suicide with almost anyone personally important in my life, not merely because i want to end my life.
I don't even think my future is bleak or really full of suffering. I have more privilege professionally, financially, and socially than alot of other people.
I still want to die, even though i lack many of the circumstantial reasons that many people who also want to die have.
It's philosophical for me, in part. My existence is largely insignificant and that's not a bad thing; i have the self concept and autonomy to end my life if and when i see fit.
Anyone relate / have thoughts on this?

 

[ma0]

I can relate a lot. As far as I know, I don't have any underlying mental illnesses, besides maybe ADHD. My life up to this point has been largely privileged and I have quite a lot of friends who I get on well with.

Still, I feel an odd sense of loneliness, despite me being really good in social conversations. I genuinly don't understand it.

So I can totally understand how you feel, and I don't think there should be any gatekeeps for being suicidal. People have their own reasons that the media and others might not often talk about.

 

[ClippedWings]

Existence will only ever be significant to one person at a time. You can't run arithmetic functions on consciousness. Meaning is yours to make. The world is non-agentic, it's just a substrate. Your privilege is the power to make meaning and employ your will to make it manifest.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Same. I'm pretty fortunate, especially compared to most of the people on here. I'm perfectly fine both mentally and physically but I just don't find existence to be that appealing.

 

[yellowjester]

but I just don't find existence to be that appealing.

This is pretty abnormal, though. How can you be sure that there is nothing mentally wrong with you? (Not meant to be offensive)

 

[EvisceratedJester]

This is pretty abnormal, though. How can you be sure that there is nothing mentally wrong with you? (Not meant to be offensive)

Just because you view it as abnormal doesn't make it abnormal. Normalcy is something that is largely based on current societal views and values and these views and values change over time and across cultures.

I know that there is nothing wrong with my mental-wise because I actually took the time to look through and properly research multiple mental illnesses after questioning my mental illness diagnoses from back when I was 15 (the fact that they came from one session was already a big red flag). To add onto this, my mental health has actually improved by a lot as of late and I still plan on ctbing.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to this so much. Whilst I do have emotional reasons for wanting to die, most of my reasons for wanting to die are philosophical.

This is pretty abnormal, though. How can you be sure that there is nothing mentally wrong with you? (Not meant to be offensive)

Saying that it's abnormal isn't a valid counterargument. There were things in history which were considered normal back then but abnormal right now. People back then used to be okay with things like slavery and marrying children. Even being gay was in the DSM in the past. What people consider as normal or not stems from social beliefs and culture, not objective reality. Just because most people are against the idea of somebody wanting to kill themselves for philosophical reasons or due to existence itself doesn't mean that it's invalid to so do.

 

[yellowjester]

Just because you view it as abnormal doesn't make it abnormal. Normalcy is something that is largely based on current societal views and values and these views and values change over time and across cultures.

It's just hard to wrap my head around it, that's all. Have you felt like this since you were a child?

On the topic of normality and abnormality, it is definitely abnormal for an organism to want to cause it's own destruction despite being in good health. That's not something that's tied to any cultural or social norms. But abnormal =/= pathological, I would definitely agree with you on that.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It's just hard to wrap my head around it, that's all. Have you felt like this since you were a child?

On the topic of normality and abnormality, it is definitely abnormal for an organism to want to cause it's own destruction despite being in good health. That's not something that's tied to any cultural or social norms. But abnormal =/= pathological, I would definitely agree with you on that.

No, it's not abnormal for organisms to want to die. For example, pea aphids may explode themselves when threatened by a predator in order to protect the other nearby aphids. I'm not explaining myself any further.

 

[yellowjester]

No, it's not abnormal for organisms to want to die. For example, pea aphids may explode themselves when threatened by a predator in order to protect the other nearby aphids. I'm not explaining myself any further.

I meant abnormal as in strongly deviating from the norm. You're reading some negative connotation into this that was not intended by me. But it's okay, I'm not pressing you further. No need to respond.

 

[curiouscvnt]

No, it's not abnormal for organisms to want to die. For example, pea aphids may explode themselves when threatened by a predator in order to protect the other nearby aphids. I'm not explaining myself any further.

I appreciate the engagement on here; I'd like to point out that there's a philosophical question here-- whether the exploding pea aphids or any other animal acting altruistically really desires death. I don't want to die because of a belief that doing so would be protective of people who i care about. I actually even believe i am fully deserving of life and what it has to offer-- i somehow, contrary to supposed survival instinct, don't want to keep taking life up on that offer. That's part of the core of the experience i originally came here to share: What is nature of the desire for death or lack of strong desire to continue living?

I'd argue that lethal altruism is distinct from other forms of suicide/suicidality (among people) because the motivation for the act that ends in killing is so different. An individual can hold the value that protection of loved ones is higher than death and not want to die more generally / outside of specific scenarios that require their altruism.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'd argue that lethal altruism is distinct from other forms of suicide/suicidality (among people) because the motivation for the act that ends in killing is so different. An individual can hold the value that protection of loved ones is higher than death and not want to die more generally / outside of specific scenarios that require their altruism.

The thing is, the reasons why people decide to commit suicide are usually pretty distinct from one another and there are also plenty of suicidal people who don't even want to die. For example, you have plenty of cases of people on this site admitting to wanting to die either as a means of protest, for, altruistic reasons, philosophical reasons, or because they feel like they are suffering. There are also plenty of cases of people here talking about not really wanting to die either but feeling like they have no choice due to their particular life situation.

 

[J&L383]

"pea aphids may explode themselves . . . "

 

[curiouscvnt]

The thing is, the reasons why people decide to commit suicide are usually pretty distinct from one another and there are also plenty of suicidal people who don't even want to die. For example, you have plenty of cases of people on this site admitting to wanting to die either as a means of protest, for, altruistic reasons, philosophical reasons, or because they feel like they are suffering. There are also plenty of cases of people here talking about not really wanting to die either but feeling like they have no choice due to their particular life situation.

True. It's really tough to say i actually want death when no one alive / communicable has any idea what death is even like. I think no one alive can actually want death as a sole end rather than as some means to an end? Do you mean to allude to that?
The more precise truth is that i don't want to continue life, even if it stays the same or changes in ways that i'd find favorable, and why exactly i feel that way is some kind of mystery to me.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Thinking of the pain that my loved ones would go thru in the event of my planned or unplanned death causes me emotional pain, but not enough to supercede the desire for death. I don't want to only live for them, either.
I feel very lonely because it's very difficult and not acceptable to talk about suicide with almost anyone personally important in my life, not merely because i want to end my life.
I don't even think my future is bleak or really full of suffering. I have more privilege professionally, financially, and socially than alot of other people.
I still want to die, even though i lack many of the circumstantial reasons that many people who also want to die have.
It's philosophical for me, in part. My existence is largely insignificant and that's not a bad thing; i have the self concept and autonomy to end my life if and when i see fit.
Anyone relate / have thoughts on this?

I relate to it yes. Different circumstances here but it's your life so why should how someone else feels take precedence over you? The only exception is if you have a young child you are solely responsible for.

It is lonely, I agree. I wish I could meet suicidal people in real life. Someone who didn't see it as an illness to be cured. Someone who 'got it' but didn't want rerouting.

To me it's crazy that my organs could massively benefit someone who enjoys living and I could happily donate them all in exchange for a peaceful end.

 

[curiouscvnt]

I relate to it yes. Different circumstances here but it's your life so why should how someone else feels take precedence over you? The only exception is if you have a young child you are solely responsible for.

It is lonely, I agree. I wish I could meet suicidal people in real life. Someone who didn't see it as an illness to be cured. Someone who 'got it' but didn't want rerouting.

To me it's crazy that my organs could massively benefit someone who enjoys living and I could happily donate them all in exchange for a peaceful end.

the organ donation! having a secure, legally sanctioned method to ctb and access to it could make donations more feasible. In planning to not be interrupted in ending my life, I'll likely make it so that my organs cannot be donated, which sucks.

 

[danny10]

Thinking of the pain that my loved ones would go thru in the event of my planned or unplanned death causes me emotional pain, but not enough to supercede the desire for death. I don't want to only live for them, either.
I feel very lonely because it's very difficult and not acceptable to talk about suicide with almost anyone personally important in my life, not merely because i want to end my life.
I don't even think my future is bleak or really full of suffering. I have more privilege professionally, financially, and socially than alot of other people.
I still want to die, even though i lack many of the circumstantial reasons that many people who also want to die have.
It's philosophical for me, in part. My existence is largely insignificant and that's not a bad thing; i have the self concept and autonomy to end my life if and when i see fit.
Anyone relate / have thoughts on this?

I totally can relate to this. I have no phisical pain or anything, I still want to CTB because of depression. I also live on for other people, mainly for my 1 year old daughter. I would never want any harm for her, but I feel like I cannot go on living life for someone else. I hate myself for wanting to CTB because that would hurt my daughter. Yet I keep having suicidal thoughts...

 

[curiouscvnt]

I totally can relate to this. I have no phisical pain or anything, I still want to CTB because of depression. I also live on for other people, mainly for my 1 year old daughter. I would never want any harm for her, but I feel like I cannot go on living life for someone else. I hate myself for wanting to CTB because that would hurt my daughter. Yet I keep having suicidal thoughts...

May we all find some kind of peace while we're in this reality.
It's honestly a significant fear of mine that if i decide to continue life beyond the next ~2 years, I'll somehow end up feeling as though i am living for someone else. This is a somewhat subtle reason i would like to end my life relatively soon-- to avoid the complexities of leaving that will nearly certainly be implicated if i continue and take on more responsibility as would be natural to do so throughout life as we know it. Maybe that's immature? Am i pathologically self-absorbed?
I don't mean any disrespect.

 

[danny10]

May we all find some kind of peace while we're in this reality.
It's honestly a significant fear of mine that if i decide to continue life beyond the next ~2 years, I'll somehow end up feeling as though i am living for someone else. This is a somewhat subtle reason i would like to end my life relatively soon-- to avoid the complexities of leaving that will nearly certainly be implicated if i continue and take on more responsibility as would be natural to do so throughout life as we know it. Maybe that's immature? Am i pathologically self-absorbed?
I don't mean any disrespect.

You are not immature or self-absorbed at all. I think we share the same feeling. Right now, I live for other people (mainly my daughter and my mother) and I don't know how long I can keep going. It's a torture each day. I also want to end it all in 2025. We'll see what happens.

 

[J&L383]

No, it's not abnormal for organisms to want to die. For example, pea aphids may explode themselves when threatened by a predator in order to protect the other nearby aphids. I'm not explaining myself any further.

That is so cool. I didn't know pea aphids were so altruistic! (And now I can't help but thinking what it would be like if humans could "explode themselves" )

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate in terms of- my reasons of wanting to CTB aren't really because I'm intensely suffering pain- physical or psychological. Although, I do dread experiencing that pain as I age.

My reasons are mainly that I don't want to participate in life. Mostly in terms of earning and paying to live. It simply doesn't seem worth the effort to me. That's not to say I'm incapable of enjoying things either. I just don't enjoy them enough.

I suppose there's a level of angst and tension towards work and there are physical pains from doing it but, it's more a sense of lethargy and deep reluctance/ resentment as opposed to intense suffering.

I'm not sure it's a philosophical stance I have. My life's purpose to me was being creative and it used to be enough for me personally. Maybe it also makes sense from an outward perspective. If I can earn money from being creative and if what I create pleases even one or two people- that ought to be enough to give me a sense of purpose- and it used to.

I'm just not feeling that sense of satisfaction now though. So- the negative aspects- the tiredness, stress and worry of it all are becoming intolerable.

Again though- I don't really see it as philosophical. I think the systems imposed on us via capitalism and consumerism are extremely false. It's simply that I'm sick of complying to all their rules. I'm sick of being a cogg in their exploitative system and I want the f*ck out! It's not that I don't feel 'useful'. It's that I resent being 'useful'. I don't want to be 'more meat for the grinder' as it were.