Venting not how i imagined

[sharpiemarker]

I don't really know what to do anymore with myself. There's kind no way out of my situation and even with CTB I have to really figure shit out with my last will and the rest because I can't just dip out at the spot, too much responsibility. I would never even imagine things will get this bad but here I am with no way out rly. I'm stuck taking care of my grandma, I don't have parents anymore, all my life is now is just obligations. Since my mum died it's only going worse, I remember a couple months ago being sort of happy thinking at least I don't have to work and do the whole adult thing but now I got everything on my shoulders lmaoo. Family thinks I'm indestructable and I can take anything, I love my friends but they don't really understand me. Nobody really understands me, it makes them uncomfrotable when I talk about doing unwell or anything related to my mums death. I think people don't really mean it when they ask me how I'm doing so I just lie and play stupid. That's what the world wants from me anyway. Everything is such a letdowm, my uni, my family, my life... Even my theraphy, I try my best to defend psychology on here but sometimes I kinda cry and think you guys maybe right. It all sucks and I think the only reason I like it is because I get to spend an hour with someone who makes me feel like I matter and wants to listen to me. "Real" people don't act like this. But I still can feel the realness getting in our way in theraphy, when my therapists does things that make me sad or angry. He hurt me so badly one time I still remember it till this day and I always think to myself "remember when he humiliated you?" when I'm about to tell him something new. But it's all my fault in the end, I forget myself sometimes and I stupidly belive people like therapists etc. can be trusted and shi. At the end of the day he is just a person and he's gonna hurt me. My fault for letting my guard down rly, such an embarassment nobody will ever fucking get to me like that ever again. I'm tired, I'm never going to be understood by other people, even a therapist failed to do so. There's always a wall between me and the outside world and I can only get friends and people to like me by masking who I really am, though they kinda don't like me anyways. Nothing I ever go through is serious enough for anyone. You guys have no idea how trapped I am, can't belive it's come to this but I really gotta figure out a way to get the paperwork done and hang myself in the woods. Life is gonna be ripping eveything out my chest until I kill myself anyway so why wait? Punishment awaits.

 

[NonEssential]

Sounds like hell. If there's one thing for me to be glad about is that nobody is actually dependant on me.
Btw if I may ask, how did the therapist humiliate you?

 

[JesiBel]

Hugs to you. I'm in the same situation. My mother is in the terminal stages of her illness, and my grandparents are elderly. Only my sister and I are left to take care of things. If they had been good people to us this would be more bearable, but no, my past was complete crap, present too. I don't know how long I'm going to put up with this situation. In addition to my other problems, I can't live my life in peace. I hate it.

The rest will never understand; no one likes people who have too many problems. Everyone walks away.

I have no hope for things to change. Only more empty years as a future.

I wish I had some words of encouragement, I'm sorry. I want to be selfish and fly away from this cage and absurd existence.

You are strong, I understand you perfectly.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

sending love to you op. I was there for my first caretaker's last six months.

people didn't understand me then nor for months after it was over. this type of shit truly does make people uncomfortable, it is nothing you've done or not done. that's just people in general and it's not your fault.

i'm sorry about the therapist. we're here for you.

 

[sharpiemarker]

Sounds like hell. If there's one thing for me to be glad about is that nobody is actually dependant on me.
Btw if I may ask, how did the therapist humiliate you?

One time I said "I feel like I have no one" despite i do have friends and he said "i have other patients that actually dont have any friends" like other people have it worse yk. Then he made me get out a paper where I had to write all the people in my life and kept saying "what if I took this paper and showed it to these friendless patients, what would you think they would say that someone like YOU feels like they have no one". Like man I wonder what makes him want to humiliate me like that lmaoo, but all people are like that to me. I tried explaining that it's more on a emotional level and not that I actually think I have no one but he wouldnt listen. Months later I brought it up and he said sorry but never told me why would he even say that. Anyways I accepted the applogy but I will never trust anyone like that again

 

[opheliaoveragain]

One time I said "I feel like I have no one" despite i do have friends and he said "i have other patients that actually dont have any friends" like other people have it worse yk. Then he made me get out a paper where I had to write all the people in my life and kept saying "what if I took this paper and showed it to these friendless patients, what would you think they would say that someone like YOU feels like they have no one". Like man I wonder what makes him want to humiliate me like that lmaoo, but all people are like that to me. I tried explaining that it's more on a spiritual level and not that I actually think I have no one but he wouldnt listen. Months later I brought it up and he said sorry but never told me why would he even say that. Anyways I accepted the applogy but I will never trust anyone like that again

whhhhaaaatttt the fuck. that is objectively terrible and I cannot think of one good reason to do that to someone! totally serious. you're right to be guarded. NOT ALL THERAPISTS (suck)

but a lot of them.

 

[sharpiemarker]

whhhhaaaatttt the fuck. that is objectively terrible and I cannot think of one good reason to do that to someone! totally serious. you're right to be guarded. NOT ALL THERAPISTS (suck)

but a lot of them.

yeah i am kinda speechless too. the worst is that he is a good therapist yk? he works at a hospital, has good reviews and he's to the point. but for some reason he did this shit to me and now I can't let it go. some therapists "suck" but he clearly doesn't and it hurts even more like i wish he was just plain bad so it wouldnt bother me. but all people are like that with me- even those who are geniuenely good to others- something in their brains is triggered when they see me and sooner or later they have to mistreat me in a very hurtful way. i told him that and of course he said i overinterpet things and it cant be true. then he did the same himself. he also thinks im "too" guarded for other people and i probably should be more trusting. im like damn look who's talking lmaooo mr. trustworthy lecturing me on trust he destroyed himself
but anyways it sucked