Anxieyote
Sobriety over everything else • 30 • Midwest
- Mar 24, 2021
- 445
I am sorry for being obtuse, but something is going on with me mentally. It's just not getting better, guys. It's hard to express this very well to anyone, but everyone on this forum has a better chance of understanding what I am trying to convey.
To put it simply, I feel on the inside how a soldier who has just been riddled with bullets feels on the outside. They know death is arriving soon, and whether they want to accept it or not—the bullet wounds don't lie.
The thought of dying is horrifying in a way that I can't describe. I don't know what comes after death; and as much as I've speculated about it on the forum over the years (it is a "peaceful sleep", there will be angels to escort me to a better place, etc.) I truly don't fucking know what's going to happen.
I want to take someone with me and hold their hand while I "preview" death and come to terms with what it is and how it feels. But I can't. I will die scared and alone.
This is wrong. I will never forgive the powers that be for bringing me here without having peaceful death options; without being able to livestream to my loved ones as I die; without being able to hold someone's hand as I go because they will be charged as a fucking criminal. It's agonizing to think that I will have to die alone, in my lonely apartment, by myself. My face flushes white as a ghost just thinking of it.
I daydream about reaching out and touching all of your hands as I go. Everyone I met on SaSu having a grip on my forearm before I die saying "I'm with you, and it's ok. You're going to be fine."
I haven't had any real friends for a long time, and the closest thing I have are the users here, and one Discord friend who means the world to me, but does not understand the gravity of how I feel.
I have to go soon, and I'm so scared. But something has to give. The life I am living now is starting to resemble a nightmare, and death is the only way I know how to remove myself from it entirely.
Please God, please help me. Please give me the courage to do it soon because I don't know where else it is going to come from. Please give me a heavenly sign, please tell me that you have a place waiting for me in heaven. I'm so scared, and I need you. I need you to escort me into the kingdom of heaven, please send someone. Please send an angel to help me because I can't do this by myself.
To put it simply, I feel on the inside how a soldier who has just been riddled with bullets feels on the outside. They know death is arriving soon, and whether they want to accept it or not—the bullet wounds don't lie.
The thought of dying is horrifying in a way that I can't describe. I don't know what comes after death; and as much as I've speculated about it on the forum over the years (it is a "peaceful sleep", there will be angels to escort me to a better place, etc.) I truly don't fucking know what's going to happen.
I want to take someone with me and hold their hand while I "preview" death and come to terms with what it is and how it feels. But I can't. I will die scared and alone.
This is wrong. I will never forgive the powers that be for bringing me here without having peaceful death options; without being able to livestream to my loved ones as I die; without being able to hold someone's hand as I go because they will be charged as a fucking criminal. It's agonizing to think that I will have to die alone, in my lonely apartment, by myself. My face flushes white as a ghost just thinking of it.
I daydream about reaching out and touching all of your hands as I go. Everyone I met on SaSu having a grip on my forearm before I die saying "I'm with you, and it's ok. You're going to be fine."
I haven't had any real friends for a long time, and the closest thing I have are the users here, and one Discord friend who means the world to me, but does not understand the gravity of how I feel.
I have to go soon, and I'm so scared. But something has to give. The life I am living now is starting to resemble a nightmare, and death is the only way I know how to remove myself from it entirely.
Please God, please help me. Please give me the courage to do it soon because I don't know where else it is going to come from. Please give me a heavenly sign, please tell me that you have a place waiting for me in heaven. I'm so scared, and I need you. I need you to escort me into the kingdom of heaven, please send someone. Please send an angel to help me because I can't do this by myself.