N33dT0D13
Xe/It
- Apr 2, 2023
- 365
I need to be destroyed, it's gotten to a point where my every bad mood affects something and someone else and the "positive" changes I've made have only turned out for the worse. I need to let go and stop burdening other people which would be fine, even if I didn't die, I'd just leave and let them get on with their lives
Except now I have a boyfriend. A sweet, kind boyfriend who also struggles with feeling like he should die and lost a prior love interest to suicide. This would also not be a problem, he'd see how mentally ill I am and leave, most likely with us still as friends because he's too nice and neither of us like the idea of "losing" people except I've been so shitty lately, not even intentionally, just as a consequence of both being and feeling like shit, and he still been so patient and kind with me, too patient and kind. I don't want anyone hurting him, and I don't want him feeling forced to put up with my bullshit, yet here we are. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me but it'd literally be for the best if he did leave me because otherwise I'd keep just ruining his life with my negativity. Then he'd forget about me and I could leave or die or whatever without feeling like someone was actually sad over it.
I hate thinking like this but my only other option is... I guess go to therapy and try to be less shitty and disturbed (not to imply that mental illness = being shitty, at all, I'm just painfully aware of me being both) which I guess is the best option... And some toxic part of me doesn't want to, doesn't feel it'd be worth it or that I'd be worth it or that I won't end up back at square one again cuz I was in therapy for over a decade and look how that turned out. I hate this brain. I wish I'd just get wrecked by a speeding truck so I wouldn't have to think about this shit anymore and my boyfriend could chalk my death up as a freak accident and get over it, he's poly (which he's always been open about and I accepted) so he has other people who would comfort him, he moves on, happily ever after.
I kind of already have stopped talking to other "friends" but my bf still talks to them which makes me happy, he's being social, he'll be fine, but it also makes me irrationally jealous because I'm a sentient(?) turd. Part of me wants him to talk to me instead (even tho I'm posting here instead of talking to him lol) and part of me wants to die more so I can get out of everyone's way. I feel so bad for my bf for thinking he wanted to be with me, now he feels obligated to stay and he can't even express it... Unless he's doing so behind my back. I hate this brain.
Except now I have a boyfriend. A sweet, kind boyfriend who also struggles with feeling like he should die and lost a prior love interest to suicide. This would also not be a problem, he'd see how mentally ill I am and leave, most likely with us still as friends because he's too nice and neither of us like the idea of "losing" people except I've been so shitty lately, not even intentionally, just as a consequence of both being and feeling like shit, and he still been so patient and kind with me, too patient and kind. I don't want anyone hurting him, and I don't want him feeling forced to put up with my bullshit, yet here we are. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me but it'd literally be for the best if he did leave me because otherwise I'd keep just ruining his life with my negativity. Then he'd forget about me and I could leave or die or whatever without feeling like someone was actually sad over it.
I hate thinking like this but my only other option is... I guess go to therapy and try to be less shitty and disturbed (not to imply that mental illness = being shitty, at all, I'm just painfully aware of me being both) which I guess is the best option... And some toxic part of me doesn't want to, doesn't feel it'd be worth it or that I'd be worth it or that I won't end up back at square one again cuz I was in therapy for over a decade and look how that turned out. I hate this brain. I wish I'd just get wrecked by a speeding truck so I wouldn't have to think about this shit anymore and my boyfriend could chalk my death up as a freak accident and get over it, he's poly (which he's always been open about and I accepted) so he has other people who would comfort him, he moves on, happily ever after.
I kind of already have stopped talking to other "friends" but my bf still talks to them which makes me happy, he's being social, he'll be fine, but it also makes me irrationally jealous because I'm a sentient(?) turd. Part of me wants him to talk to me instead (even tho I'm posting here instead of talking to him lol) and part of me wants to die more so I can get out of everyone's way. I feel so bad for my bf for thinking he wanted to be with me, now he feels obligated to stay and he can't even express it... Unless he's doing so behind my back. I hate this brain.
