Venting Not everything has a fix

[Nine0]

I'm just so confused on how I feel about life really. I wouldn't say I feel helpless, I experience those little moments of happiness and just general peace occasionally and in those moments I really wouldn't ever feel like considering killing myself. But then here I am making a post on this website so there's that.

I know things can change eventually, even things that you really don't think will happen even if takes a decade things can change and that keeps me going. I mean when I was like 9-10 years old I really didn't ever think I'd get on hormones it seemed light years away and then bam 6 years later I did my first T shot and that changed my life in ways that I didn't think I'd ever get to experience.

Being trans is definitely not one of the only fucked up things going on in my life but It's the one I get reminded of every day and the one I'll never get to truly ever escape. I can do so many things, I can meet so many people and form friendships and get a job and start my life those are all things that I can eventually do and have for myself but I'll never be the man I was supposed to be no matter how I look or how far I transition.

I've been stealth in my day to day life for multiple years now and I'm still not happy. I still need surgeries I haven't had any only hormones but even imagining living my life after surgery I don't think I'll be satisfied even then, and there's nothing I can do since I'm not literally a fetus right now or god so I have to live like this. It follows me every single day, I'm stealth but there's not a day where I don't feel alienated or out of place no matter how others perceive me in my day to day life.

I have a lot of shit to deal with outside of being trans but I feel like no matter how much I change everything else and no matter how good things can get this is always just in the back of my head and I can't fix or get rid of it no one can.

 

[emptyshells]

I empathize greatly with all of this.

I'm seriously hoping getting top surgery improves my life. I know my dysphoria is a large part of my suffocating depression, and I will admit, I'm under the belief that I will be significantly improved once I get that weight off my chest.

I feel like even if I finally make myself into the person I have always been inside, I'll be miserable anyways. I'm scared that living stealth will make me feel invisible, like nobody truly knows me... But I'm more afraid of living openly and being harmed again, or even possibly being murdered. I wish the world wasn't so fucking dangerous.

I feel deeply insecure in the idea of trying to make friends or date. Everyone thinks I'm a freak. And even if I can get to the point where I pass, I'd be terrified of someone finding out and outing me. I feel so much disgust and self hatred. If I was just born a man, other men would want to date me. Instead, gay men tell me I'm a mutilated woman infiltrating their community, attention seeking, all kinds of slurs... I don't think I'll ever belong. It's crushing. I'm tired of fighting.