It's not pathetic at all, love. Ctbing takes a lot of courage and strength. It is not easy and it's okay to not be ready yet... But at least you have the means now and I hope that brings you comfort of some sort. Survival instinct is also very hard to ignore and fight off. Our bodies are quite resilient and will do anything to stay alive. You never have to apologize for expressing how you feel here. You haven't made anyone feel bad, love. We are here to listen and support when it is possible.
For what it's worth, I was supposed to ctb before Christmas and then it was before 2020. The holidays are such a huge trigger for me and just living through Christmas, the New Year, it was so painful. I could barely breathe... I was feeling so impulsive and wanted to ctb so badly, but there were many things holding me back. My friends were already making plans with me for the holidays and I could not decline. I had come to the conclusion ctbing during the holidays would be more painful and I've held out as much as possible to make sure I don't ruin the future holidays for them... I tried my best to make my very last memories with them a good one, because I want them to remember the love I have for them. What really solidified the decision to ctb, was the fact I was more disappointed in being alive rather than making it through another year. I was upset. I was hurt. I really sat with those emotions. I cried, I got angry, and I mourned for all the things that would never be. I went through many stages of emotions to the point I had come to full acceptance. I started feeling so calm and at peace with my decision as my ctb date gets closer and closer. Pressuring yourself to ctb is one of the worst things you can do, and that is what I did to myself before 2020. I just wanted to go, but I know ctbing with much thought and care is the best method for me... I am sorry you're in so much pain, love. But one day you won't be, please remember that.
Sending you all of my love.
