Venting Not being cared about after you're gone

[Reflection]

Although I realize that if I ever CTB it wouldn't matter what anybody thinks, I can't help but feel I want to be sympathized with, loved and cared for even though I won't be here to care or give a damn. But given the stigma around suicide, I am sure that the one thing that will happen is that I'll be called all kinds of negative things after the fact, perhaps even by family and people I love and care about, especially in a religious environment, which does break my heart further... I've already seen proof of it this week from someone I held dearly to my heart...Once I die it'll be just like a fly got swatted and their life goes on without a care, sucks I guess but still better than having to live a long painful life.

 

[James Sunderland]

It's tough feeling like you'd just be a swatted fly in the grand scheme of things, considering the reactions from people you actually care about aren't what you would need. Really does break the heart some more. You know, seeing your James Sunderland profile pic brings back how he also wrestled so much with guilt and self-doubt. But he, too, had persisted to find some sort of peace or understanding in that fog, brother. I don't say I have all the answers, but what I do know is that what you are feeling does matter, and I am here to listen if you want to get further into it.

Side note here, couldn't help but notice the profile pic; are you excited about the Silent Hill 2 remake? I have preordered it for October 8th, and, being realistic, I am super looking forward to diving back into that world through new eyes, so yeah-thought that would be a fun thing to talk about if you're up for it.

 

[Meowsies]

this is why I am trying to consider all options before actually going, even though aas the days pass my idea becomes clearer and clearer.

 

[voltage268]

Oof, would love to have that situation, would be ideal... Unfortunately have the opposite, made a thread recently about how painful it has been living many years for family, got mostly understanding from those in the same predicament, but some pushback from those who thought I didn't appreciate their love and care (would die for my family and not just because it would be a win-win lol). Truly sorry you don't feel you have that but it's hell for me, just chuck my body in the trash after haha, would be relieved if nobody thought much about me afterwards... Not self hate as am proud of getting through so much bullshit but this world is so painful for so many people and animals that I don't care to be considered of value or worth by it, if that makes sense; not cynicism but the brutal truth I've had to accept (also from a religious background like yourself where everything's supposed to work out fine and dandy in the end and over-arching justice is supposed to be restored). Recognising the infallibility of the world and life helps me care less about how I'm viewed after? Dunno.

Would love to slip from existence unnoticed or uncared about but maybe didn't always feel this way. Agree that the stigma of ctb opens up a whole new can of worms for people to battle with in different ways afterwards. Fwiw, any words of encouragement you've left here, and in many other places and situations in your life, your actions are of value by those you touched even momentarily, maybe not necessarily by your family unfortunately, but acquaintances and strangers you encountered along the way. I know it's not the same as being from those in your immediate life who you love and care about, I wonder if some you mentioned may be touched more deeply than you realise, depression can cloud our perception to make us feel like a burden to others and uncared about. I hope you at least value yourself and the good you've done and tried to do on earth despite unfortunately being here, it SHOULD be of value to whatever effing cosmos is out there even if it isn't.

 

[Reflection]

It's tough feeling like you'd just be a swatted fly in the grand scheme of things, considering the reactions from people you actually care about aren't what you would need. Really does break the heart some more. You know, seeing your James Sunderland profile pic brings back how he also wrestled so much with guilt and self-doubt. But he, too, had persisted to find some sort of peace or understanding in that fog, brother. I don't say I have all the answers, but what I do know is that what you are feeling does matter, and I am here to listen if you want to get further into it.

Side note here, couldn't help but notice the profile pic; are you excited about the Silent Hill 2 remake? I have preordered it for October 8th, and, being realistic, I am super looking forward to diving back into that world through new eyes, so yeah-thought that would be a fun thing to talk about if you're up for it.

I preordered SH2 remake as well, it's the only thing I'm looking forward too, the original holds a special place in my heart.

 

[Z-A]

Maybe one positive thing about death the fact you won't witness anything afterwards and not be a part of this world anymore.

 

[James Sunderland]

That's awesome! The original's really is a masterpiece, isn't it? I mean, the atmosphere, the story, it just hits different. I think there is truly something special in how it catches those complicated and heavy feelings we all go through. That is great you have the remake to look forward to; at least I am excited to see how they bring it to life this time around. Which part of the remake are you most looking forward to?I bet it'll be a whole new experience while still holding that special place in your heart

 

[wren-briar]

After my recent failure to catch the bus, I was both grateful and honestly horrified by the care I received.

With three exceptions, I personally want mostly to be forgotten.

The first exception is that I really want my story to spur some change within the MH field and the VA "healthcare" /s system. ( https://wrenbriar.gitlab.io/ ) I honestly don't have high hopes for that, but if that's the only thing to come out of my existence, and it can help others, than it's something.

The second exception is that the person who I trusted in my last two weeks with actual hope for this life, if she ever has other patients who come to her for help like I did, and who trust her like I did, I want her to remember how much harm she caused me by not actually hearing me, and trusting me, and respecting me and my repeatedly stated needs, and I hope that because of that knowledge, she actually hears, and actually trusts, and actually respects those patients' repeatedly stated needs instead of doing to them what she did to me.

The third exception is everyone else who has been close to me, I'd honestly like them to just remember me from before I was made actively suicidal. The MH care system broke me in ways I really can't articulate, and I don't want the people I cared about remembering me as the broken husk that the MH "professionals" left me.

 

[pariah80]

I guess I'm different in this regard. I honestly don't care if people cry, laugh, are indifferent. I just want out. What happens after I'm gone isn't of any concern to me. I'm glad I don't have children, so that no part of me will remain here. I'm concerned about hurting my friends, but they'll manage and get over it. I'm going to throw away my artwork, because that would be kind of messed up to have it appreciated and acknowledged after I'm dead. If no one appreciates it now, they won't get to after I'm gone. Other than that, I don't care what people think. People cry over celebrities who didn't even know that they existed. So, sympathy from other humans is kind of hollow for me.

This is just my perspective. I respect your perspective and wish you some type of peace and serenity to this.