Haematemesis
Student
- Jan 12, 2025
- 172
Warning, I had no suicidal thoughts while writing this but as you may have experience one can feel the time when it's near.
The original language is Turkish -my native language- and I used AI to translate it to English because I felt no strength to translate it myself. This will stay on this site how long it stays online and honestly this might be one of the last things I leave in this planet. Please enjoy reading and don't force yourselves into empathy.
I truly have nothing left to worry about anymore. I have no property nor anyone of my own blood to leave behind. I cannot feel my arms and legs. My palms are purple. I cannot breathe. Because of headaches I cannot fall asleep. If by chance I have fallen asleep, I wake up from heart pain.
I do not believe in God or gods. No matter how much I want to believe, my soul cannot accept it. Within 5–10 years I will be gone, never to exist again.
I desire nothing. Neither career success, nor love, nor anything similar. Should I ever have a material goal, its only reason would be to indulge in more and various substance abuse.
When I vanish, nothing in the world will change, and those who love me — if any — will mourn for a few decades more and then either join me or forget me.
Yet I would have liked to exist. Outside the completely ruined chemical balance of my brain, I would have liked to attain true personal happiness and self‑realization.
Not this time. "I" will not succeed in this.
Perhaps those who believe in reincarnation are right. Perhaps I have already lived many lives and will later live many more. It is to be expected that each life is as important to me as if it were my only chance. This explains what I feel. Yet perhaps the light I will see while dying is the light of my emergence from the darkness of a new womb into daylight. It is to be hoped that while morgue attendants examine my carcass, I will find myself in the comforting arms of new human or non‑human parents. And I do not say this because I dislike my own parents. Surely they were far more successful and loving than I. But perhaps I will find myself in a completely different state in my next life; that is what I mean. I love my present family.
So how might this system work? Either, when I die, with the complete cessation of my consciousness I reach pure nothingness, or I encounter higher life forms — or the system they have established. This is much more thought‑provoking and interesting. Instead of my wretched and untermenschisch life, even the tiniest potential to discover these things I would prefer.
Farewell to thee o cruel world! Perhaps you are set by a compassionate god or gods which I will or won't encounter. And there is a high possibility that these gods know better than me and have founded a system that would benefit me both in my psychical body and my spirituality. I have not been able to comprehend it. That's all there of my apology. That I could neither understand nor act upon the will of the gods. And I seek for his or their forgiveness. I have not an ounce of thought that any god would punish me for my decision. Regardless I ask for his/their forgiveness trying to please what has created me. I hope the god or the gods embrace me with open arms since I have no one to do this to me.
So, as I untie the rope of my one‑person boat from the dock and prepare for the journey, you on the pier! Read this long and tedious message of mine and continue with your daily life.
The original language is Turkish -my native language- and I used AI to translate it to English because I felt no strength to translate it myself. This will stay on this site how long it stays online and honestly this might be one of the last things I leave in this planet. Please enjoy reading and don't force yourselves into empathy.
I truly have nothing left to worry about anymore. I have no property nor anyone of my own blood to leave behind. I cannot feel my arms and legs. My palms are purple. I cannot breathe. Because of headaches I cannot fall asleep. If by chance I have fallen asleep, I wake up from heart pain.
I do not believe in God or gods. No matter how much I want to believe, my soul cannot accept it. Within 5–10 years I will be gone, never to exist again.
I desire nothing. Neither career success, nor love, nor anything similar. Should I ever have a material goal, its only reason would be to indulge in more and various substance abuse.
When I vanish, nothing in the world will change, and those who love me — if any — will mourn for a few decades more and then either join me or forget me.
Yet I would have liked to exist. Outside the completely ruined chemical balance of my brain, I would have liked to attain true personal happiness and self‑realization.
Not this time. "I" will not succeed in this.
Perhaps those who believe in reincarnation are right. Perhaps I have already lived many lives and will later live many more. It is to be expected that each life is as important to me as if it were my only chance. This explains what I feel. Yet perhaps the light I will see while dying is the light of my emergence from the darkness of a new womb into daylight. It is to be hoped that while morgue attendants examine my carcass, I will find myself in the comforting arms of new human or non‑human parents. And I do not say this because I dislike my own parents. Surely they were far more successful and loving than I. But perhaps I will find myself in a completely different state in my next life; that is what I mean. I love my present family.
So how might this system work? Either, when I die, with the complete cessation of my consciousness I reach pure nothingness, or I encounter higher life forms — or the system they have established. This is much more thought‑provoking and interesting. Instead of my wretched and untermenschisch life, even the tiniest potential to discover these things I would prefer.
Farewell to thee o cruel world! Perhaps you are set by a compassionate god or gods which I will or won't encounter. And there is a high possibility that these gods know better than me and have founded a system that would benefit me both in my psychical body and my spirituality. I have not been able to comprehend it. That's all there of my apology. That I could neither understand nor act upon the will of the gods. And I seek for his or their forgiveness. I have not an ounce of thought that any god would punish me for my decision. Regardless I ask for his/their forgiveness trying to please what has created me. I hope the god or the gods embrace me with open arms since I have no one to do this to me.
So, as I untie the rope of my one‑person boat from the dock and prepare for the journey, you on the pier! Read this long and tedious message of mine and continue with your daily life.
