Arin
Member
- Jan 12, 2025
- 14
I'm planning to CTB sometime in the near future but I'm not sure I'm going to live long enough to do it properly due to nonstop, constant, intrusive thoughts of suicide. I fucking hate my brain; it doesn't let me think of anything else and any time I try to distract myself my thoughts just go back to this.
I go for a jog through a local town? Throw yourself under the wheels of that tractor.
Walking in a nearby wood trying to stay calm? Jump into that frozen river to submerge and drown yourself.
Visit the city and have a stroll there? Find the highest building and throw yourself off of it.
Decide to stay home and cook a nice lunch? Use the kitchen knives to cut yourself open and bleed out.
Go to a place where there aren't any reasonable methods? Fine, just fucking bludgeon your head in on the side of the pavement.
No matter where I go, no matter what I do, all my thoughts go back to finding a way to kill myself and fantasising living it out. I imagine what it would be like, feel an immense sense of relief at the nothingness I know will happen to me by the end of it, then end up hating myself even more for not being able to carry it out. I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything spontaneous.
My last few weeks have been hell and I'm overworked and stressed out of my fucking mind and I have so many past deadlines and missed projects, and ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS SUICIDE. Probably one of the only things holding me back is the fact that I don't want my final days to be this goddamn nightmarish, constantly darkened by isolation and stress and self hatred, I want to be AT PEACE when I finally leave.
So, is there any way to stop this? I'm past the point of no return in regard to whether or not I want to CTB, but I just want to stop thinking about it nonstop. It's not helping in the slightest and is only adding more unnecessary stress onto an already hellish situation. I've started having vivid hallucinations due to a lack of sleep and that, in combination with the intrusive thoughts, have really driven me to a breaking point and I'm afraid.
I go for a jog through a local town? Throw yourself under the wheels of that tractor.
Walking in a nearby wood trying to stay calm? Jump into that frozen river to submerge and drown yourself.
Visit the city and have a stroll there? Find the highest building and throw yourself off of it.
Decide to stay home and cook a nice lunch? Use the kitchen knives to cut yourself open and bleed out.
Go to a place where there aren't any reasonable methods? Fine, just fucking bludgeon your head in on the side of the pavement.
No matter where I go, no matter what I do, all my thoughts go back to finding a way to kill myself and fantasising living it out. I imagine what it would be like, feel an immense sense of relief at the nothingness I know will happen to me by the end of it, then end up hating myself even more for not being able to carry it out. I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything spontaneous.
My last few weeks have been hell and I'm overworked and stressed out of my fucking mind and I have so many past deadlines and missed projects, and ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS SUICIDE. Probably one of the only things holding me back is the fact that I don't want my final days to be this goddamn nightmarish, constantly darkened by isolation and stress and self hatred, I want to be AT PEACE when I finally leave.
So, is there any way to stop this? I'm past the point of no return in regard to whether or not I want to CTB, but I just want to stop thinking about it nonstop. It's not helping in the slightest and is only adding more unnecessary stress onto an already hellish situation. I've started having vivid hallucinations due to a lack of sleep and that, in combination with the intrusive thoughts, have really driven me to a breaking point and I'm afraid.
