Venting None of my problems are real i don't deserve to ctb

[coolgal82]

I hate myself so much i have no real issues, nothing bad has ever happened to me to like make me like this my brain is just the way it is, idfk if its genetic (the autism and adhd are atleast) or my brain chemistry is just wrong (my brain is weird i did have to have like surgery on it at like 2 for cortical dysplasia or something) or idfk. but the point is like everyone i see with any kind of issues no matter the severity related to mine, currently have or have had actual issues in their life. i don't. all my issues are of my own creation. and like they arent even that bad but i'm just too fucking weak to handle them. i don't deserve to be free from this pain tbh. i dont have any real pain to be free from. (plus most of my issues are probably just made up in my head to like trick people and get attention and ive either convinced myself of them or do it subconsciously idfk.) the only real "issue" i have is being trans really and yeah being trans sucks but it's like smaller in comparison to other stuff rn idk.

if anyone else was in my place they'd excel. i have good parents that have tried their best for me (especially when i was younger, and also i just repay them by being the worst daughter ever and just causing more and more trouble and stress), not like rich but not poor either, and like just idfk. i don't deserve this life i wish i could just swap with anyone else. i'm just useless and weak and literally everything wrong with me is entirely my fucking fault and i hate it. sometimes i feel like this is just a dream and i'll wake up soon or if i believe hard enough everything will change. idk. until then i will just go on suffering with this almost constant mental anguish cus it's what i deserve (i deserve worse frankly but i cant bring myself to do anything.)

i hate myself so fucking much.

 

[jepe24]

<3

 

[ra1nw3rldd]

hm i dont know if this is the type of response ur looking for but
just wondering
have you considered whether you might have bpd ?
cause the self-hatred i know is a symptom & reminded me of that (i might have 'quiet bpd' myself but never had much of a social life so its hard to tell / presents atypically)
& then i saw another post of yours recommended below (' I can't stand the constant self doubt idfk who i am anymore and its driving me insane.') and everything in there really really really really seemed a lot like bpd (lack of identity, 'mirroring' your friends interests, being infatuated by your friends and feeling like theyre your whole world, then hating them when they ignore you, getting paranoid, thinking they hate you / are bad people, etc.)
sorry if ithis is like something youre already aware of, but i didnt see it brought up at all so i thought might be helpful to mention at least

 

[coolgal82]

hm i dont know if this is the type of response ur looking for but
just wondering
have you considered whether you might have bpd ?
cause the self-hatred i know is a symptom & reminded me of that (i might have 'quiet bpd' myself but never had much of a social life so its hard to tell / presents atypically)
& then i saw another post of yours recommended below (' I can't stand the constant self doubt idfk who i am anymore and its driving me insane.') and everything in there really really really really seemed a lot like bpd (lack of identity, 'mirroring' your friends interests, being infatuated by your friends and feeling like theyre your whole world, then hating them when they ignore you, getting paranoid, thinking they hate you / are bad people, etc.)
sorry if ithis is like something youre already aware of, but i didnt see it brought up at all so i thought might be helpful to mention at least

adding 1 to the counter of times ive been told this lmao. at 9 now i think? also yeah ive considered it since one of those friends said it lmao. talked to my doctor to get a pscyhiatrist referall but havent heard anything since then

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess it depends on how you see things. You could justifiably (I think) feel that autism and adhd are problems inflicted on you. It's not like you chose to have them.

Feeling like you can't cope in life with things that others seem to take in their stride is a horrible feeling. I can relate on that in terms of social situations- social anxiety. I suppose there are always things we can do to improve how we deal with situations we find challenging but- I think it's fair to feel frustrated/ overwhelmed that we have that extra hurdle to jump over.

I suppose in some respects, things that affect us/ hold us back mentally/ socially are disabilities- just the same as physical disabilities. Someone with a broken leg likely wouldn't want to climb Everest. Life becomes even harder when we're trying to get through it with personal disadvantages.