1) Final decision, irreversible, something I cannot take back
2) would devastate my friends and family, and they would blame themselves, no matter how many notes I left behind. I'm harboring extra guilt because a friend caught me dropping off possessions before I tried to attempt and knew exactly what the intent was… and so I decided to delay it to give him the feeling he did what he could to save me… then I still failed. And I scared him to death with a mailer suicide letter.
I fucking regret it so much. Like there's a part of me that wants to do it to prove I wasn't crying wolf or manipulating for attention cuz there are ppl who do that and I feel like one of those… I wanna prove my pain is real… but I think actually dying would make it worse for my friend than recovering idk
3) all the reasons I wanted to ctb in the first place were later proven untrue after I failed
4) it sends the message I'm not tenacious enough to cope with suffering
Why I'm considering it-
1) I didn't choose to be born
2) life is unfulfilling and empty. Work, pay bills, save for retirement, die.
3) I want to prove my pain is real
4) I hate my brain and my bs thoughts
5) I'm a woman, I want to prove I'm brave and my suffering is real and I'm not doing this shit as an attention seeking cry for help. It's rarer for woman to complete suicide. I want to be special. And especially feel like a wolf crying attention whore after failing; I want people to know I
did mean it
6) when I lost consciousness it was so peaceful and beautiful
I see. The thing is, even if you complete the suicide, people may still think you did it for attention.
Some people really DO somehow go through with it for reasons other than pure, unadulterated suffering.
Nobody likes to admit this..but it definitely happens. (People can manage to kill themselves without even being so much as depressed.)
And then some people who DO go through with it because of pure, unadulterated suffering..still have a false narrative thrust upon their memory.
Once you're dead, you will have control over nothing. You will have no voice.
People will interpret you however they want to, in whatever way makes them feel better or less guilt-ridden.
I get some of your sentiments on some level,
but personally I don't think you should go through with it unless an expedited death has truly become the better option for you, the only way to end your suffering.
Your other goals are tangential at best and indicative of wishful thinking (via suicide or attempt) and may very well be accomplished without dying.
It sounds like a lot of people actually give a damn about you, for one thing.
That's more than many here can say for themselves (at least it's a lot more than I can say for myself).
So with that in your favor, I'm sure there are other ways you could express that you are in pain, with people acknowledging that it is real.
"I want to be special"
Think about this. Do you truly assert that this is a sound reason to commit suicide?
Plenty of women have completed suicide, nobody is deemed "special" for that reason alone. Usually there are other factors at play (often superficial ones, unfortunately).
Also remember, peace is not something you will feel when you're actually dead.
You will feel nothing. You will no longer be able to conceptualize what "feeling" is.
If nothing is better than the something(s) you endure while alive, then it makes more sense as to why you'd want to commit suicide.
But to me it sounds like you're more interested in proving something than ending something.
(Though I admit, even my own suicide will partially be my way of saying "NO" to a shitty hand, my way of refusing to accept the awful existence I've been chained to. In a way, I will also be trying to prove something I suppose..prove that I do not think I deserve to suffer any longer. Because more than anything, I just want to end the abject misery and unyielding torment I endure on an hourly basis.
I do not want to exist as a source of schadenfreude for other people, I do not want any part of this life I've been forced to live or this body I've been forced to inhabit.)
Suffering while remaining alive doesn't mean the suffering is not real.
I am a walking dead person..but I breathe..my suffering is palpable, my suffering is real.
I've isolated and retreated from society in major ways..in order to retain a semblance of sanity.
Continuing to live doesn't mean your pain isn't real.
And the more thought one puts into plans to die, the more daunting those plans become.
(Impulsive suicides occur because there's less time to think..less time to worry, less worries to give pause.)
Have you spoken to your friend about your worries regarding how your previous plans may have been interpreted?
Are they the type of friend to listen and try to understand?
May I ask what you mean by "all the reasons you want to ctb being disproven after you fail" (paraphrasing)?
) or to manipulate people often is however. I will never forgive my mom for what she put the family through. I'd forgive her if it was a cry for help, but it certainly wasn't, as she refused all help offered to her. It was a waste of everyone's time.
I'm sure most people think this attempt was just me crying wolf and I had no intent to die/wasn't serious about it.
