Willy Wonka
Member
- Dec 15, 2021
- 69
What am I supposed to do ??
The day before yesterday I was on a Weed-comdown and had very, very dark thoughts. I imagined how - as the very last chance to get money from my covert narcissistic parents - I could "get the joker card out " [ translation from german lol ] with the lawyer, who should clarify whether I could take the inheritance in spite of crimes (with property damage) and long-term therapies (which were very expensive and the health insurance paid for them) without anyone wanting money from me.
Very last opportunity because my mother "almost" turned the money tap on me (hope dies last). However, it was her (in cooperation with the silent father) that got me into this financial dependence. I know today, after about a year of intensive research, that I was raised as a golden child by two covert narcissistic parents. I'm 42 now and I've had a life of failure. I never learned how to take care of myself or how to live at all. When I - for health reasons - stopped pursuing my mother's dream, she became more and more vicious and I became the scapegoat of the family.
"So now I could get 250.- from my parents under the pretext of going to a lawyer. I've already finished writing the letter in which I cut off contact. As soon as the money's in the account, I'll send the letter by registered mail."
I then actually wrote a highly manipulative e-mail to my mother with a very nice address and the prospect of seeing each other again soon. That's not the usual tone of the day. Sending the letter right after that is an absolute blow of destruction, and I fear it could have an impact on the health of my very old parents. I would never know about it, but I would certainly fantasize about it pretty hard.
The thing is that on the weed-comedown I experienced a real lust for this psychological violence against my parents. I can't really blame myself anyway, because to live in the awareness that my entire life was stolen from me by my own parents and I was dragged into a learned helplessness and total inability to live is pretty blatant. The gaslighting I experienced from my parents has never allowed me to trust my perception in life. Through the manipulation of devaluation and insult, I always thought there was something wrong with me (to put it mildly). Through the simultaneous application of unfounded praise and idolatry , I have developed ideas of grandeur that are in such extreme discrepancy with my inability to do the simplest things of everyday life that I have spent most of my life either in total stiffness and isolation or in manic excess (financed by my covertly narcissistic parents).
I then experienced it in that moment in such a way that I - even if it would be unnecessarily violent towards my parents - had to take advantage of this opportunity of liberation. And for me, as for them, every means should be adequate to reach my goal: to give me at least the chance to learn life. Because even if mommy doesn't send me any more money, I'm still waiting for the inheritance.
I have now yesterday in a stoned state, the letter a little language defused and I would have to rewrite it. I then thought, that I just claim to have an appointment with the lawyer, then tell them my fictitious result, wait max four weeks and then send the letter.
There is no going back now, because I have very little money and have bought really bad weed for way too much money and I need it just because it helps me with certain physical symptoms. I mean, I plan to "get something decent" out of half of the money and put the rest into good nutrition, because at the moment I'm not doing so well physically.
I don't feel like taking over the inheritance anyway. I would then have to deal with my sister (she also has strong narcissistic tendencies, is very close to my parents - she is now the golden child - and is very materially inclined), to rummage through a lot of treasures and then "possibly" to generate an income of 1000.- / month as soon as the beautiful house can then be rented out. I'm very afraid that if this all worked out, I'd do tons of drugs to punish myself and it would totally screw up my life to get that money. It's like there's a curse on my parents' money. All my life, I've been addicted to it and consumed with self-hatred.
Wow. I have to get rid of them. Just get rid of them. Finally get rid of them. Because I've always known. Well, actually. But now I have a name for it. I can name and identify every single one of their manipulation techniques. I am aware of the destructive power of this manipulation leading to CPTSD.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if I could hurt them too much...
The day before yesterday I was on a Weed-comdown and had very, very dark thoughts. I imagined how - as the very last chance to get money from my covert narcissistic parents - I could "get the joker card out " [ translation from german lol ] with the lawyer, who should clarify whether I could take the inheritance in spite of crimes (with property damage) and long-term therapies (which were very expensive and the health insurance paid for them) without anyone wanting money from me.
Very last opportunity because my mother "almost" turned the money tap on me (hope dies last). However, it was her (in cooperation with the silent father) that got me into this financial dependence. I know today, after about a year of intensive research, that I was raised as a golden child by two covert narcissistic parents. I'm 42 now and I've had a life of failure. I never learned how to take care of myself or how to live at all. When I - for health reasons - stopped pursuing my mother's dream, she became more and more vicious and I became the scapegoat of the family.
"So now I could get 250.- from my parents under the pretext of going to a lawyer. I've already finished writing the letter in which I cut off contact. As soon as the money's in the account, I'll send the letter by registered mail."
I then actually wrote a highly manipulative e-mail to my mother with a very nice address and the prospect of seeing each other again soon. That's not the usual tone of the day. Sending the letter right after that is an absolute blow of destruction, and I fear it could have an impact on the health of my very old parents. I would never know about it, but I would certainly fantasize about it pretty hard.
The thing is that on the weed-comedown I experienced a real lust for this psychological violence against my parents. I can't really blame myself anyway, because to live in the awareness that my entire life was stolen from me by my own parents and I was dragged into a learned helplessness and total inability to live is pretty blatant. The gaslighting I experienced from my parents has never allowed me to trust my perception in life. Through the manipulation of devaluation and insult, I always thought there was something wrong with me (to put it mildly). Through the simultaneous application of unfounded praise and idolatry , I have developed ideas of grandeur that are in such extreme discrepancy with my inability to do the simplest things of everyday life that I have spent most of my life either in total stiffness and isolation or in manic excess (financed by my covertly narcissistic parents).
I then experienced it in that moment in such a way that I - even if it would be unnecessarily violent towards my parents - had to take advantage of this opportunity of liberation. And for me, as for them, every means should be adequate to reach my goal: to give me at least the chance to learn life. Because even if mommy doesn't send me any more money, I'm still waiting for the inheritance.
I have now yesterday in a stoned state, the letter a little language defused and I would have to rewrite it. I then thought, that I just claim to have an appointment with the lawyer, then tell them my fictitious result, wait max four weeks and then send the letter.
There is no going back now, because I have very little money and have bought really bad weed for way too much money and I need it just because it helps me with certain physical symptoms. I mean, I plan to "get something decent" out of half of the money and put the rest into good nutrition, because at the moment I'm not doing so well physically.
I don't feel like taking over the inheritance anyway. I would then have to deal with my sister (she also has strong narcissistic tendencies, is very close to my parents - she is now the golden child - and is very materially inclined), to rummage through a lot of treasures and then "possibly" to generate an income of 1000.- / month as soon as the beautiful house can then be rented out. I'm very afraid that if this all worked out, I'd do tons of drugs to punish myself and it would totally screw up my life to get that money. It's like there's a curse on my parents' money. All my life, I've been addicted to it and consumed with self-hatred.
Wow. I have to get rid of them. Just get rid of them. Finally get rid of them. Because I've always known. Well, actually. But now I have a name for it. I can name and identify every single one of their manipulation techniques. I am aware of the destructive power of this manipulation leading to CPTSD.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if I could hurt them too much...
