Nobody

[NekoNomNom]

Hey all,

I've actually been doing quite well in recent months. However, we all have our moments of relapse. And tonight, in my drunken sorrows, I think back to what has originally brought me here, and I rack my brain for who I could possibly talk to about it...and the answer is nobody, except for the void of this forum.

I joined this forum nearly two years ago now; and no matter how many times I leave here, I find myself always coming back to the comfort of anonymity and warming acceptance. I feel comfortable expressing my deepest emotions here, and the fact that I always feel drawn back to what seems like an inate desire to die. I know that the fact that I can say that so freely should scare me, but it doesn't; it never has. In fact, ever since I was a teenager, I've always thought and talked freely of suicide, and that I would more than likely meet my end that way.

Although I consider myself to be in recovery for the last year, this feeling has never truly gone away, and I think that may stay with me for the rest of my life, especially when things get to be too much. These suicidal tendencies feel like more of a comfort; a safe space, if you will, that I draw myself into to shield myself when things get to be like this.

Perhaps I'm simply pathetic.

Or maybe I just can't forgive myself.

 

[Passersby]

Hi @NekoNomNom ,
I remember you and your avatar. Good to see you again. Its pretty much the same here for me too. Suicide is a comforting feeling and I won't get away from it either. It will be with me till the end. I hope your recovery has been going well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find thoughts of suicide to be quite comforting in a way, in my case I have never wanted to live and I am so used to being suicidal. I'm pleased for you that you have been doing well, I wish you the best.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Hi @NekoNomNom ,
I remember you and your avatar. Good to see you again. Its pretty much the same here for me too. Suicide is a comforting feeling and I won't get away from it either. It will be with me till the end. I hope your recovery has been going well.

I find thoughts of suicide to be quite comforting in a way, in my case I have never wanted to live and I am so used to being suicidal. I'm pleased for you that you have been doing well, I wish you the best.

Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts. I'm feeling empty right now. There is a void in me that came with the absence of a particular person who used to be in my life, that nobody else has been able to fill. I'm scared that nobody will be able to make me feel whole again. I thought that I had come to accept this, and started the process of being at peace with myself, but I'm not so sure anymore. I tell myself it's for the best, but again, I don't know.

I'm also frustrated, angry, and I even feel a little betrayed. I want so badly for this person to feel what I have for the past two years: devoid of life, hope and meaning, abandoned, hollow. I know that I shouldn't. I know that it's such a horrible and selfish thing, but it just isn't fair for them to get off scott free without feeling even one bit of remorse. I'm beyond tired of being the only one who hurts in these situations.

I apologize. I needed to get that out somewhere. I will continue with my recovery, which has been going very well for the most part. However, I know that I will come back here periodically. Even though this is just a forum, I always feel at home here. Thank you to anybody who reads these rambling words ❤