Venting Nobody seems to care

[meowcat]

I have been vocal about my plan to ctb with a few people when I'm drunk But they all seem to think that i'm just saying it without intending to actually do it.
Either that or I've become so insignificant to all those around me that they just don't care.
I do intend to follow through but there's that little bit of survival instinct that's still held me back.
One thing is for sure,whenever i do it I don't plan on being rescued.
That would be horrible.
I am lonely and nobody has time for me.
I drink and smoke just to kill boredom and wake up feeling shitty the next day.
Seems like this loneliness has no ending.

 

[TiredHorse]

I suppose being brushed aside like that might be better than being taken into protective custody --but not by much. Damn, that sucks.

Human survival instinct --HSI-- is a bitch. I've flinched several times now from a painless, proven method (N2) and I'm pretty sick with myself. But I'll get there eventually, and I'll make certain I'm not "rescued".

No, the loneliness has no end that I've seen.

I'm really sorry, Meowcat. I hope you find some sense of peace one way or the other.

 

[Xerxes]

I've done the same thing too, but I learned that if I "cried wolf" too many times, the one time I did succeed people be like, "bout damn time" lol

 

[TheLastTrip]

I have been vocal about my plan to ctb with a few people when I'm drunk But they all seem to think that i'm just saying it without intending to actually do it.
Either that or I've become so insignificant to all those around me that they just don't care.
I do intend to follow through but there's that little bit of survival instinct that's still held me back.
One thing is for sure,whenever i do it I don't plan on being rescued.
That would be horrible.
I am lonely and nobody has time for me.
I drink and smoke just to kill boredom and wake up feeling shitty the next day.
Seems like this loneliness has no ending.

I'm sorry you are struggling like that and even when you reach out when drunk then people don't seem to care. I've been there when I was younger and told people online about it when drunk and they didn't seem to believe me. To people who have never considered ending their life then the fact other people would is alien to them, they just can't wrap their head around it so they see it as a call for attention rather than a genuine warning that your end is coming, they just can't comprehend anything else, that's how I choose to frame it anyway.

Unfortunately this is the only place I have found where you can openly talk about your plans and problems and people just offer tweaks to your plans, support when you need it and just generally be awesome.

I know how horrible it is to feel so lonely, I felt so damn lonely yesterday after traveling to Peru by myself and sitting in my hotel room with nobody in a country I don't know, with a language I don't know, that I nearly packed the whole plan in and just went home to hang myself there.

So I know that it's not quite the same thing, but we're here when you feel lonely, I know company in person is probably a better solution for your loneliness, but it's something *hugs*

 

[TAW122]

Yeah, that really sucks and my life is pretty dull for the most part too. Nobody really gives a damn unless it is to try to 'dissuade me' or 'rescue' me from myself. Fuck that, I will make damn sure that when I'm ready to go that no one interferes with my attempt. Anyways, I hope you are able to find peace someday.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

People just may not know what to say, nit that they dont care. Its haed for peolple who have never been in this situation to understand how someone could want to die so they brush it off. Better to ignore the problem rather than face it sometimes and hooe it goes away.

 

[meowcat]

I'm sorry you are struggling like that and even when you reach out when drunk then people don't seem to care. I've been there when I was younger and told people online about it when drunk and they didn't seem to believe me. To people who have never considered ending their life then the fact other people would is alien to them, they just can't wrap their head around it so they see it as a call for attention rather than a genuine warning that your end is coming, they just can't comprehend anything else, that's how I choose to frame it anyway.

Unfortunately this is the only place I have found where you can openly talk about your plans and problems and people just offer tweaks to your plans, support when you need it and just generally be awesome.

I know how horrible it is to feel so lonely, I felt so damn lonely yesterday after traveling to Peru by myself and sitting in my hotel room with nobody in a country I don't know, with a language I don't know, that I nearly packed the whole plan in and just went home to hang myself there.

So I know that it's not quite the same thing, but we're here when you feel lonely, I know company in person is probably a better solution for your loneliness, but it's something *hugs*

Thank you.Yes I feel the same way about going to Peru and going thru the whole thing alone knowing that even if I went there,I would'nt know if I'm even going to get the N.And for me,Peru is the other side of the world.Thanks for empathizing.You've almost moved me to tears.

 

[meowcat]

Just being here with all you people is comforting.It's good to have a place where I can speak my feelings without being judged as stupid or a coward.

 

[TiredHorse]

Just being here with all you people is comforting.It's good to have a place where I can speak my feelings without being judged as stupid or a coward.

From what I can tell, you are a far cry from being either stupid or a coward.

 

[longingforrelease]

I'm sorry you are struggling like that and even when you reach out when drunk then people don't seem to care. I've been there when I was younger and told people online about it when drunk and they didn't seem to believe me. To people who have never considered ending their life then the fact other people would is alien to them, they just can't wrap their head around it so they see it as a call for attention rather than a genuine warning that your end is coming, they just can't comprehend anything else, that's how I choose to frame it anyway.

Unfortunately this is the only place I have found where you can openly talk about your plans and problems and people just offer tweaks to your plans, support when you need it and just generally be awesome.

I know how horrible it is to feel so lonely, I felt so damn lonely yesterday after traveling to Peru by myself and sitting in my hotel room with nobody in a country I don't know, with a language I don't know, that I nearly packed the whole plan in and just went home to hang myself there.

So I know that it's not quite the same thing, but we're here when you feel lonely, I know company in person is probably a better solution for your loneliness, but it's something *hugs*

well said. I agree with everything in your reply, especially the bit about how unique this place is. It is the only place I have found I can truly open up about the many things causing me pain, the seriousness of my suicidal ideation, etc. I saw a therapist shortly after my world came tumbling down and started to learn about my bipolar condition and how it played such a key part in the collapse of my world. The most important thing I learned about (largely on my own research into bipolar) was the common symptom of bipolar known as hypersexuality. I was/am so filled with shame and remorse about having cheated on my wife and especially because I was cheating with prostitutes. That behavior flew in the face of everything I believed in. I so badly needed to talk about it -- to tell my therapist exactly what I had done and just how horrible it feels to know much pain I had caused my wife. I mean she learned of it by finding in an online escort site an extremely explicit description I wrote about one of my encounters with an escort! Can you imagine how she suffered? To learn -- by reading in pornographic detail -- that the love of her life and father of her child was a monster. But for the life of me, I couldn't bring it up. I couldn't reveal to another human being this truth about me. Only here, in this sacred space, have I been able to begin to unburden myself of the shame, remorse, regret and unending sense of loss for everything I threw away. Only here can I reveal myself in all its ugly forms and get in return loving kindness, understanding, empathy and support. Only here do people get how what happened to me makes suicide a legitimate option for me. I mean, I have to assume that there are people here who find what I did appalling and contrary to their own strong beliefs about fidelity and prostitution. But yet all I have received from people here are expressions of support and their hope that I find a way - whatever that may be - to be free from my pain. So @meowcat , let me just encourage you to continue to engage with us. I'm confident you will find people here who do care about you, who hear your pain and who know that your thoughts of ctb are real and most importantly, will not judge you for having those thoughts or, should you decide to, for acting on them.

 

[marcelfoz]

i feel u. i had some situations like this, ppl normally made me feel bad just for saying something about what i plan, and worst than that is when ppl say im being dramatic or make fun of my situation. i feel like most of the time i hide very well the fact that i want to ctb but when i try to talk abt ppl just despize me

 

[Circles]

It's getting harder to convince myself to care at all.

 

[worldexploder]

Humans are normally not a very caring species.

 

[meowcat]

well said. I agree with everything in your reply, especially the bit about how unique this place is. It is the only place I have found I can truly open up about the many things causing me pain, the seriousness of my suicidal ideation, etc. I saw a therapist shortly after my world came tumbling down and started to learn about my bipolar condition and how it played such a key part in the collapse of my world. The most important thing I learned about (largely on my own research into bipolar) was the common symptom of bipolar known as hypersexuality. I was/am so filled with shame and remorse about having cheated on my wife and especially because I was cheating with prostitutes. That behavior flew in the face of everything I believed in. I so badly needed to talk about it -- to tell my therapist exactly what I had done and just how horrible it feels to know much pain I had caused my wife. I mean she learned of it by finding in an online escort site an extremely explicit description I wrote about one of my encounters with an escort! Can you imagine how she suffered? To learn -- by reading in pornographic detail -- that the love of her life and father of her child was a monster. But for the life of me, I couldn't bring it up. I couldn't reveal to another human being this truth about me. Only here, in this sacred space, have I been able to begin to unburden myself of the shame, remorse, regret and unending sense of loss for everything I threw away. Only here can I reveal myself in all its ugly forms and get in return loving kindness, understanding, empathy and support. Only here do people get how what happened to me makes suicide a legitimate option for me. I mean, I have to assume that there are people here who find what I did appalling and contrary to their own strong beliefs about fidelity and prostitution. But yet all I have received from people here are expressions of support and their hope that I find a way - whatever that may be - to be free from my pain. So @meowcat , let me just encourage you to continue to engage with us. I'm confident you will find people here who do care about you, who hear your pain and who know that your thoughts of ctb are real and most importantly, will not judge you for having those thoughts or, should you decide to, for acting on them.

Thank you.You are not as bad as you think.Most guys have cheated on their loved ones.I know I have and am carrying the guilt.Probably,us guys are not meant to be monogamous and yet we face the consequences of our actions and end up feeling guilty.

 

[TiredHorse]

I have been vocal about my plan to ctb with a few people when I'm drunk But they all seem to think that i'm just saying it without intending to actually do it.
Either that or I've become so insignificant to all those around me that they just don't care.

I suspect there may also be an element that most people really, truly, cannot imagine ending their own life. For whatever reason --a contentment with their own lives, an overpowering survival instinct, a lack of real contemplation or imagination-- it is a simple impossibility for them. Thus, when they hear others speak of it, the words are meaningless to them. If they cannot imagine it as a possibility, how could anyone else? It is a solipsistic sort of delusion, but one I have encountered before.

In short, they may think you are exaggerating solely because it is inconceivable to them that you could be being honest.

 

[Denise]

I actually bought supplies for the charcoal method but changed my mind about it because I lived in an apartment. Told my friend what I had done and she said nothing. In fact, a couple of days later she treated me really shitty.

I wish I could've done it and left a note saying, "I'm depressed and in pain to begin with and being treated like shit by a so-called friend put me over the edge." Which is exactly how I felt.

 

[longingforrelease]

Thank you.You are not as bad as you think.Most guys have cheated on their loved ones.I know I have and am carrying the guilt.Probably,us guys are not meant to be monogamous and yet we face the consequences of our actions and end up feeling guilty.

thanks for that. it is good to hear from others who know this particular kind of guilt. It's a heavy load. Hope you're through the worst of it brother.

 

[starcrossedfate]

People often don't really care until it's too late. And by then, they really only act out of obligation to relieve their own guilt.

 

[BurningLights]

I told my drug councelor I wanted to CTB. He told me that people who are going to commit suicide don't tell others about it. Prick. All I wanted was to be somewhere safe, away from myself, from the hell that I created. Too late now.

 

[ugly_loser2008]

i have a friend that ive told my intentions to. what surprised me was his openness to the idea of my suicide. iv'e known him for most of my life and i think he looks at me and knows that suicide is the best choice for me. he has told me befoe that if he were me he prolly would have killed himself a long time ago cuz he knows bout all the shit. he even said hed be willin to buy anything i need to do it. i thought this wa a bit weird i wonder how many people actually want me dead too.

 

[BurningLights]

i have a friend that ive told my intentions to. what surprised me was his openness to the idea of my suicide. iv'e known him for most of my life and i think he looks at me and knows that suicide is the best choice for me. he has told me befoe that if he were me he prolly would have killed himself a long time ago cuz he knows bout all the shit. he even said hed be willin to buy anything i need to do it. i thought this wa a bit weird i wonder how many people actually want me dead too.

He doesn't want you dead, He understands your pain and knows that the answer is CTB.
This is his way of showing how much he cares. Be grateful for his compassion.

Thant sounds kinda blunt. It's not meant that way.

 

[meowcat]

thanks for that. it is good to hear from others who know this particular kind of guilt. It's a heavy load. Hope you're through the worst of it brother.

Yeah I'm through the worst of it but then I still have to live with the consequences.And the consequences keep reminding me from time to time.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I have even known some people who have been in mental hospitals and attempted suicide but they ran out of empathy for me when I continued to fail to change and get professional help. But I'm not them they don't understand... but then again I'm just too selfish and proud and stupid and weak to follow these ultimatums to continue friendship ... it all feels wrong... everything a paradox, everything a conspiracy sometimes I feel <3

 

[1234dave]

i have a friend that ive told my intentions to. what surprised me was his openness to the idea of my suicide. iv'e known him for most of my life and i think he looks at me and knows that suicide is the best choice for me. he has told me befoe that if he were me he prolly would have killed himself a long time ago cuz he knows bout all the shit. he even said hed be willin to buy anything i need to do it. i thought this wa a bit weird i wonder how many people actually want me dead too.

I would love my parents to be like that. I pine for support in ending my suffering

 

[AndyCurious]

True enough, people doesn't care much anymore, only about themselves and money.. If they want something from you, then you hear from them, if not, nothing.. When you are in pain or in depression, no one is looking at you, but fart on the bus or a crowded train, everyone looks at you :p

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

True enough, people doesn't care much anymore, only about themselves and money.. If they want something from you, then you hear from them, if not, nothing.. When you are in pain or in depression, no one is looking at you, but fart on the bus or a crowded train, everyone looks at you :p

Ah m an I"m high and this made me lol. HARDX

 

[AndyCurious]

Ah m an I"m high and this made me lol. HARDX

I like to make people laugh..:)

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I like to make people laugh..:)

Ah it's GOOD <3