bluefeather177
drowsy in a dark room
- Mar 2, 2023
- 19
I'M DONE LIVING FOR ANYONE ELSE. For SO long I convinced myself to live for others. When I was younger, it was for my addict mother because I didn't know what she would do to herself if I was gone. Then I lived for my gf, then my bf. Now I am alone so I try to live for friends.
But I'm a fucking afterthought to everybody. My friends are all in relationships. The girl I liked at work would never feel the same so I pushed away my feelings to have a new friend. But she started dating one of my other friends and now I'm an afterthought to her. I will never mean as much to her as she does to me. I'll never mean as much to anyone as they do to me.
I told a friend about how I was feeling and how every time I am alone the misery of being alive is unbearable. But I'm purposely excluded by that friend when I live 3 minutes away. As if I can't see everyone hanging out without me. As if I can't see their location all at the same place. They are avoiding me. I don't know what I did. Why are they ignoring me when they know how much I'm suffering?
Fuck everybody. No one is worth living for. I'm so burned out on this life. I will never change or be good enough to do anything with my life. Everyone I have ever loved and have ever continued living for has left me or fucked me over or stopped caring about me. I constantly fantasize about being dead or going missing and wondering what people would do. I could disappear tonight. It would take so long for anyone to even realize I'm gone. When I ctb I won't be caught.
I used to be soooo afraid of death. I wanted to die for so long but never seriously entertained the idea because of fear and guilt. But I feel calmer here. It's like a halfway house for souls passing onto the other side. At first I thought it was morbid seeing so many people's posts who are gone now, but it's peaceful now. Dying doesn't feel so scary anymore. It's my turn soon.
But I'm a fucking afterthought to everybody. My friends are all in relationships. The girl I liked at work would never feel the same so I pushed away my feelings to have a new friend. But she started dating one of my other friends and now I'm an afterthought to her. I will never mean as much to her as she does to me. I'll never mean as much to anyone as they do to me.
I told a friend about how I was feeling and how every time I am alone the misery of being alive is unbearable. But I'm purposely excluded by that friend when I live 3 minutes away. As if I can't see everyone hanging out without me. As if I can't see their location all at the same place. They are avoiding me. I don't know what I did. Why are they ignoring me when they know how much I'm suffering?
Fuck everybody. No one is worth living for. I'm so burned out on this life. I will never change or be good enough to do anything with my life. Everyone I have ever loved and have ever continued living for has left me or fucked me over or stopped caring about me. I constantly fantasize about being dead or going missing and wondering what people would do. I could disappear tonight. It would take so long for anyone to even realize I'm gone. When I ctb I won't be caught.
I used to be soooo afraid of death. I wanted to die for so long but never seriously entertained the idea because of fear and guilt. But I feel calmer here. It's like a halfway house for souls passing onto the other side. At first I thought it was morbid seeing so many people's posts who are gone now, but it's peaceful now. Dying doesn't feel so scary anymore. It's my turn soon.