Venting Nobody cares that I am giving up

[SoulCage]

One year ago, I have been in a situation where it was impossible (or rather pointless) to reach out to mental health care organisations. I was still living abroad and already made the decision to move back to my home country. I thought that I should at least give it one last try to get better. So I moved back, but I was still stuck in a temporary housing situation that was extremely uncomfortable. I told myself that once I move to a place where I feel free and be myself then I will have more strength to get some help.
So I started in September...

I waited 2 months to get an appointment with a doctor (it should have been only 1 month, but the appointment was moved again 1 fucking month, because she got sick) and it turned out to be a nightmare. I was in extreme panic, because I was scared that I wasn't taken seriously. I told her that I am in pain and in panic and she was extremely hostile because of that.

She accused me that I don't even want help. She told me to "just deal with it". She tried to guilt trip me. That I shouldn't kill myself because people around me will be sad. I lost my shit completely and was frozen. I didn't expect this hostile behavior from someone that I have to pay 150€. I didn't want to say anything anymore and she just talked with my partner that accompanied me.

She gave me Venlafaxin, pregabalin and Mirtazapin. (I had Venlafaxin in the past and didn't do shit). The first month I was really knocked out. I was also occupying myself with furniture assembly and apartment organisation. Mirtazapine seems to really help me falling asleep which used to be really hard for me. But I also woke up with extreme nausea and stopped taking it for a week which brought back my insomnia. So I started it again and the nausea seems to be gone now (I assumed my body was just not used to the change from all the medication, but adapted over time). This means that I have finally found something to get rid of my insomnia.

But here comes the big turn of events. The doctor can't give me an extension for my prescription, because there was something found in my ECG test that my GP did. But this whole situation is so strange, because they didn't clearly specify what I should do next. And I really don't want to go back to that awful psychiatrist anyway. So I kinda don't want to go through this whole waiting for a cardiologist to make another examination to clear me for meds that don't really work anyway (except the sleeping one). And explaining this whole situation to each individual doctor and always being the bridge for the communication is annoying. I have to remember everything and explain it to another doctor again. Why can they not talk to each other? Why does a suicidal depressed and overwhelmed fuck like myself have to do this?

in addition, my emotional state is also pretty damaged, because I tried to reach out to 3 different help organisations, despite my immense fear of rejection. Because everytime I get rejected it feels like I am just a burden and there are no free resources for me. And guess what, I have been basically rejected by all of them. They say they have very long waiting lines. They don't even specify how long it could take. It's disgusting that we live in a society where everyone is so broken that they need help. Makes you think that maybe.. just MAYBE... Society's rules are just exploitative and soul crushing.

But mostly I hate the fact how they present themselves. That they acknowledge that people with mental health issues need help. Making stupid social media posts and press releases about their achievements and having the audacity to present themselves as good people. But in reality they just hope that your survival instinct is strong enough and that you have supportive relationships. To deal with waiting times. To be able to have some change through talking therapy. Because even if I wait in pain for - i don't know how long - it's not even guaranteed that it will help me. And if it doesn't help then they will just accuse me again of not really wanting to get better. That I don't do enough. For fuck sake. Life is a joke.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with that one organisation that didn't reject me right away. It wants to make a plan to get me back into the workforce. I don't think they are equipped for the problems that I have and I believe they will just tell me to try those organisations that I already contacted. If that happens then I am really done with seeking "help". I can't endure the psychological pain any longer.

I already got high from taking 400mg of pregabalin (instead of prescribed 50mg) 3 times and I noticed the days after that I had shortness of breath and some heart pain. I will get high again, hoping it might trigger a panic attack that will enable me to use emergency service. If I die by accident, that would be fine too. I know that pregabalin seems to be not exactly a lethal method, but because of my heart issues it might actually do something. So don't bother telling me it's not a good idea, I am aware of that. I read many posts about not trying to do it, but I am so fucking done with trying recovery the "correct" way. I have to do a cry for help, nothing else takes me seriously.

I live in Austria and I mentioned that I am suicidal, that I have plans to end my life if I run out of time. I didn't mention the date though. But they seem to not give a shit, involuntarily hospitalization seems to be not a thing here even though I said the words. Nobody believes me. They just believe in good ol' survival instinct. In the beginning, I hesitated to mention it to "professionals", because I have read testimonials from sectioned people here on sasu and I didn't want to go through this terror. But I thought before I CTB I will at least try it out once in my country. But apparently, they don't give a single fuck. It doesn't seem to be a thing here. That's why I can only try it by damaging my body in a way that they can't ignore.

Most likely I will just have a shitty time from the drug and it won't be enough to put me in a state that needs emergency. I will just have to ride out the side effects and life will go on as before. In that case I am preparing my actually method which is full suspension hanging. I already got a good spot. And I will also have to start writing my final words. I actually am also planning to make a video of my digital memories. I really want to do that as my final goodbye.

I really tried. But I am so tired of getting rejected all the time. So tired of feeling the anger for this "pretending we care for each other" society. Having to listen to doctors telling me it's all my own fault and not doing enough. Exhausted from my constant fears and the pain in my back, my head, my teeth, my feet, my digestive system.
It sucks so hard to fight to be alive.

Sasu is literally the only place where I feel understood. It gives me comfort to know that my thoughts are valid. Where I am not always told that I am not good enough. Where reality is described as it is and not this pro-life bullshit. Because fuck reality. And fuck people that advocate against euthanasia.

 

[Phosphorous 4]

1st and less important: You're not going to die from Pregablin, I used to swallow whole bottles of my maximum legal dose pregablin to get high and I'd sleep that shit off like a champ. I'm half assuming you're just gonna end up having a really good time from it honestly. Not even trying to be funny.

2nd and my real point: I very recently had made my plan to CTB and attempted and failed. The important thing to me in the whole situation was that I actually let people know that I had planned it this time. I never tell anyone anything. I thought I could safely tell some other people from SaSu, that they would clearly be understanding of my situation, right? Completely wrong dude, I was cut off completely, by people from SaSu! Like I was personally attacking them by letting them know that I had a plan and the date was coming up. There was no real discussion, it was just "I don't wanna deal with this goodbye." I can't stress how quickly and short the conversations occurred and were. I wasn't asking for anything, I literally was trying to mention it so I didn't disappear on them one day. I thought we were actually friends. I tried to continue going on about the something interesting in their day or changing the subject etc, but it was done, I committed the Cardinal Sin of letting someone know I was suicidal and the acquaintanceships were over. Again, I'm talking about people I met on SaSu. I used to say the same thing: SaSu is where I am understood, it is better than therapy even, but I don't even think that is true in the slightest anymore. I get rejected so often in general dude, I am a naturally weird person to be around, I don't even have conversation in real life anymore. I go to work where I am silent and effectively alone and come back home where I am silent and completely alone. Ours is exactly as you stated: "a pretend you care society" and most of the people on this planet, on this site, are speaking to you for their chance to talk about themselves no to hear what you are saying. I deal with seizures and Emesis, I have really shitty health right now and I realize that other people exacerbate my health overall, mental physical and emotional. So for my health, I know to stay away.

You've seen it and say it yourself, people do not give a fuck. Why continue to waste your finite time and finite money and finite effort asking for help that isn't actually there? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I think you hit the nail directly on the head and blasted it right out of the back of the wood, that is to say that I think you are completely and extremely correct. I find power in the knowledge that we need people but not any one specific person. We can walk away from basically anyone if we need or want to. I stopped banging my head against the wall with the medical industry. Mental health treatments are so "guess and check" and I think the first few guesses end up doing more damage to you than whatever the correct medication could ever fix should you ever even find the correct meds. It astounds me that Doctors, especially Psych docs of any kind, behave and speak as though they're working with a science that is fleshed out similarly to physics for example, when it isn't at all. These professions lean on theory to the point of it being a crutch, the same with patient reports of symptoms. I know I've lied to my doctors plenty if I didn't want to address something I was dealing with. That isn't a clear, concise or even useful way to go about handling such an enormous issue. Very little about this particular part of the medical field is based on empirical fact and too much of it is based on what Big Pharma companies want Doctors to shill out to us for profit, side effects and social degradation be damned. It is just so obvious that they are in it for the money. If you were dying and you knew for a fact I was an unimaginably greedy bastard who cared more about your money than your life, who had a track record of knowingly and deceptively getting people hooked on life-destroying medications for profit alone, would you feel safe coming to me for help of any kind? I sure as hell wouldn't want a person like that in the same state as me, I definitely don't want help from that kind of person.

I've been looking into "black tourism" or suicide/euthanasia tourism. I think I understand that I don't have the willpower to end my life with my own hands, but I can damn sure pay a Swiss Doctor to do it for me. I think we were born just a bit too early and we are the last few generations of people who have to deal with this without any real kind of recourse to deal with it. Like Polio or the Flu, they wreck the population until one day they don't. I don't think we get to see that day unfortunately.

I think you're living in reality, you're speaking a lot of sense, and you're just all around on the money with your post. I know it means very, very little, but I pray for you, it means a ton to me. Be safe and good luck.

 

[areyousafe??]

Please find yourself a better psychiatrist.

I've seen a lot of psychiatrists over the years, I've had horrible experiences similar to the one you went through, but there are good ones out there. Ask your GP for a referral for another psychiatrist who has good reviews, and when booking the appointment, tell them it's urgent and ask them to put you on a waiting list.

I'm on effexor but it was only when my psychiatrist added mirtazapine that I felt at my best. The combination of effexor and mirtazapine is known as the Carlifornia Rocket Fuel.

 

[SoulCage]

1st and less important: You're not going to die from Pregablin, I used to swallow whole bottles of my maximum legal dose pregablin to get high and I'd sleep that shit off like a champ. I'm half assuming you're just gonna end up having a really good time from it honestly. Not even trying to be funny.

2nd and my real point: I very recently had made my plan to CTB and attempted and failed. The important thing to me in the whole situation was that I actually let people know that I had planned it this time. I never tell anyone anything. I thought I could safely tell some other people from SaSu, that they would clearly be understanding of my situation, right? Completely wrong dude, I was cut off completely, by people from SaSu! Like I was personally attacking them by letting them know that I had a plan and the date was coming up. There was no real discussion, it was just "I don't wanna deal with this goodbye." I can't stress how quickly and short the conversations occurred and were. I wasn't asking for anything, I literally was trying to mention it so I didn't disappear on them one day. I thought we were actually friends. I tried to continue going on about the something interesting in their day or changing the subject etc, but it was done, I committed the Cardinal Sin of letting someone know I was suicidal and the acquaintanceships were over. Again, I'm talking about people I met on SaSu. I used to say the same thing: SaSu is where I am understood, it is better than therapy even, but I don't even think that is true in the slightest anymore. I get rejected so often in general dude, I am a naturally weird person to be around, I don't even have conversation in real life anymore. I go to work where I am silent and effectively alone and come back home where I am silent and completely alone. Ours is exactly as you stated: "a pretend you care society" and most of the people on this planet, on this site, are speaking to you for their chance to talk about themselves no to hear what you are saying. I deal with seizures and Emesis, I have really shitty health right now and I realize that other people exacerbate my health overall, mental physical and emotional. So for my health, I know to stay away.

You've seen it and say it yourself, people do not give a fuck. Why continue to waste your finite time and finite money and finite effort asking for help that isn't actually there? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I think you hit the nail directly on the head and blasted it right out of the back of the wood, that is to say that I think you are completely and extremely correct. I find power in the knowledge that we need people but not any one specific person. We can walk away from basically anyone if we need or want to. I stopped banging my head against the wall with the medical industry. Mental health treatments are so "guess and check" and I think the first few guesses end up doing more damage to you than whatever the correct medication could ever fix should you ever even find the correct meds. It astounds me that Doctors, especially Psych docs of any kind, behave and speak as though they're working with a science that is fleshed out similarly to physics for example, when it isn't at all. These professions lean on theory to the point of it being a crutch, the same with patient reports of symptoms. I know I've lied to my doctors plenty if I didn't want to address something I was dealing with. That isn't a clear, concise or even useful way to go about handling such an enormous issue. Very little about this particular part of the medical field is based on empirical fact and too much of it is based on what Big Pharma companies want Doctors to shill out to us for profit, side effects and social degradation be damned. It is just so obvious that they are in it for the money. If you were dying and you knew for a fact I was an unimaginably greedy bastard who cared more about your money than your life, who had a track record of knowingly and deceptively getting people hooked on life-destroying medications for profit alone, would you feel safe coming to me for help of any kind? I sure as hell wouldn't want a person like that in the same state as me, I definitely don't want help from that kind of person.

I've been looking into "black tourism" or suicide/euthanasia tourism. I think I understand that I don't have the willpower to end my life with my own hands, but I can damn sure pay a Swiss Doctor to do it for me. I think we were born just a bit too early and we are the last few generations of people who have to deal with this without any real kind of recourse to deal with it. Like Polio or the Flu, they wreck the population until one day they don't. I don't think we get to see that day unfortunately.

I think you're living in reality, you're speaking a lot of sense, and you're just all around on the money with your post. I know it means very, very little, but I pray for you, it means a ton to me. Be safe and good luck.

Yes, the most probable result from my pregabalin abuse will be just a high with disgusting after effects. But due to the fact I have something going on with my heart there might be a chance that it will cause something serious, maybe even fatal.
I will send my update and if not.. then I got lucky and my suffering is finally over.

I am sorry that your attempt has caused you so much additional pain. I say that because I don't know how else I can let you know that i don't want anyone to suffer. Simple words cannot comfort you in this matter. I thought about how I would react if I go through the senario that you described. And to be honest, I don't care if people on sasu or irl would stop talking to me. Or even make resentful comments about me. I have so much hate for myself that this particular thing doesn't trigger me anymore. My issue is with the mental health professionals, who I pay money to help me (directly or indirectly through taxes) but still let me down.

I don't feel alone on sasu not because I am in direct communication with some users, but because I like reading all the stories and feel like my reaction to reality is not abnormal. It's a relief to get confirmation when my irl contacts always say that my way of thinking is just wrong. So yea, i would still benefit from sasu even if I stopped writing. I made this post to let out my frustrations and because there might be someone out there who benefits from sasu just like me. Reading and relating.

 

[SoulCage]

I took a few pills, but not a lot. I think it was just 400mg. It feels so good. It's like I am dancing ro my favourite songs, but it's all in my head. I feel my heart beating so strong. I feel like I could do anything. But I am trapped in my society cage. I am just a work slave, only have money for shelter and food. Which is also restricted because I hate gaining weight.

Just rambling on my high, don't bother me. I am still alive. Tomorrow I will also be alive. I hope not. I feel so defeated. And nobody wants to help me.