No Way

[ShadowedChaos]

This is crazy how does it just keep getting worse on one side I'm helping someone in there time of distress doing all I can. While, having everything not be in my favor and doing genuinely a lot of damn work to help and support them more than most other people did. Yet, not even being recognized just them going back and forth on me and changing all the time of what they think of me or acting towards me and I find myself falling into a trap. Maybe I'm in the most vulnerable time of my life so I know they at least care but why does everything have to be twisted half the time and it feels like I'm just doing everything wrong. While not getting recognized for what I'm actually doing IDEK maybe I'm just losing it or I've got too much pent up and maybe just what emotional burnout something like that I guess it's a part I'm tired of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and feeling the need to hold other people's emotions or feeling that pain while most people seem so fuckinf self-absorbed. On a whole nother note I know someone who is teaching, showing me another way of life teaching me how people are meant to be treated, how things are supposed to be, a sense of community, and someone who also understands perfectly maybe more so and has many years and wisom that I find myself learning from or at least put into words I've never heard another say. While the other reflects someone so similar to myself to be so similar to me yet also a stark contrast in places. I find myself merely observing living now, now as in being alive but taking each moment for what it is, I find myself just thinking about everything I guess that's why I'm writing even if no one ever reads it maybe somewhere someday someone may find some meaning or help from my words no matter how scattered they may be at times. Though I have not been single for very long I think I've just grown past who I was prior, I always said it always changes but not always for the better, and not always for worse it will always change it hurt yeah as any heartbreak would but I feel peace and realize in actions the views they had I only can wish happiness and hope they do truly change for the better to learn or decide to get help. What do I even call this feeling this state of being being human does not feel like it's remorely close to an apt description. With everything else going on I can only think and see everything for what it is. I refuse to believe lies anymore, allowing people to tell me what I believe is wrong, or what I'm seeing or feeling is a lie fuck that I'm listening to me cause I've been right so much for better and worse but, mainly cause I have not been myself for so long and the person built for survival is tired of surviving.