I had a conversation with my parents tonight. I don't know what I was expecting but hinted at the fact that I want to ctb by saying something along the lines of "Can you see how I may feel if I have to suffer another decade of this pain despite trying every treatment?" but of course, no parent wants to see their kid go. They obviously took the "I can't let this happen," approach including one of them crying. I feel guilty, but I don't know what to do. I have been in such extreme pain for too long already considering that I have nearly exhausted treatment options at the 1/3rd mark of my life.
I don't want to traumatize them but it is going to happen at some point. It just hurts so much and I fear that I am in for far more torment than I can take. I'm worried that if I don't buy sn soon, it will be too late and I'll have to resort to more painful and violent methods than I'd prefer. Firearms, jumping, and hanging are just not what I want for my departure route and if I get stuck using one of these options in the future, I will be leaving an extremely angry and explicit suicide note towards all those contributed to getting rid of the only semi peaceful options that I know of, not that they would care.
They'll probably talk about what a tragedy it is if they ever hear about my ctb and of course I'd like for them to know that it is not remotely tragic. The real tragedy is everything that led me to that point. All the horror that resides within my mind, the trauma, the unending suffering that words don't describe, the stigmatization, being trans in this world, etc. Suffering knows no bounds. What terrifies me the most is that it truly can get worse and it will if I stick around long enough. Will it get better? Sure it will! It will get better for 3 weeks out of the year maybe if I am lucky! Or if I am feeling extra ambitious, I can make it better even quicker by taking substances and self-harming. Sure miss those ones because they atleast worked for me unlike fucking exercise and meditation. All sarcasm aside, even if things get better, it's pretty hard to convince me that all of this horrible suffering is worth it. There is no way to spin it that makes me want to see this in a positive light. I guess when it comes down to it, I may have to ctb while one or both of my parents are still alive because otherwise, I am in for far more horror than I ever signed up for.
The more I wait, the more I feel like I am never gonna ctb which absolutely horrifies me but on the other hand, there are reasons that it would be difficult to work out right now even if I did want to start planning. This is surely going to be a long life...
I don't want to traumatize them but it is going to happen at some point. It just hurts so much and I fear that I am in for far more torment than I can take. I'm worried that if I don't buy sn soon, it will be too late and I'll have to resort to more painful and violent methods than I'd prefer. Firearms, jumping, and hanging are just not what I want for my departure route and if I get stuck using one of these options in the future, I will be leaving an extremely angry and explicit suicide note towards all those contributed to getting rid of the only semi peaceful options that I know of, not that they would care.
They'll probably talk about what a tragedy it is if they ever hear about my ctb and of course I'd like for them to know that it is not remotely tragic. The real tragedy is everything that led me to that point. All the horror that resides within my mind, the trauma, the unending suffering that words don't describe, the stigmatization, being trans in this world, etc. Suffering knows no bounds. What terrifies me the most is that it truly can get worse and it will if I stick around long enough. Will it get better? Sure it will! It will get better for 3 weeks out of the year maybe if I am lucky! Or if I am feeling extra ambitious, I can make it better even quicker by taking substances and self-harming. Sure miss those ones because they atleast worked for me unlike fucking exercise and meditation. All sarcasm aside, even if things get better, it's pretty hard to convince me that all of this horrible suffering is worth it. There is no way to spin it that makes me want to see this in a positive light. I guess when it comes down to it, I may have to ctb while one or both of my parents are still alive because otherwise, I am in for far more horror than I ever signed up for.
The more I wait, the more I feel like I am never gonna ctb which absolutely horrifies me but on the other hand, there are reasons that it would be difficult to work out right now even if I did want to start planning. This is surely going to be a long life...
