Help No way out, and no way forward. How does anyone change this?

[AkaRed]

I'm pretty sure I am going onto my 4th year of total stagnation.
From what I can tell, it was after the mess of 2020- and many traumatizing things happened in my life. Even though the year was insanely hard, I think it was the last year I actually had any semblance of a life.

That year ended with me losing everything I had built up. I started 2020 with nothing, finally got something, and then proceeded to lose it all once again. Not even necessarily of my own fault.

Ever since then, I've had close to nothing. At least that's how it feels. Any time things feel like they're moving forward- it stops, and I go back into nothing. What I mean by 'nothing' is exactly that. Being trapped in a boring, mindless routine of work, eat, and sleep. I don't feel close to anybody, and I have nobody around me.

I am constantly lonely, in tears and don't actually have any escape. I don't have the resources to meet new people, and work has also given me nothing in that regard. Most of the people I work with are much older than me (I'm 19), with them being in their early 40s at the youngest. There is always a gap, and even if we get along at work- it's nothing more than that.

As for people online, even that can be extremely barren most times. There are some individuals I personally cherish dearly- but at this point I don't have it in me to believe the same. I feel invisible if I am not immediately present, and I know that my potential disappearance wouldn't really cost them much in the long run. They have things to live for, close and meaningful daily relationships, partners that fulfill their emotional needs, families that care. I have none of this, and I haven't in a long fucking time.

I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of nothingness. I don't know if I have it in me yet to CTB, but I honestly feel like it'd be more productive for me to just push myself to that point. Because there is literally nothing else around me.
I have no irls anymore, and being by myself with nothing to do other than work is so fucking depressing it's not even funny.

Even now, on Christmas- nothing. No presents, not even an acknowledgement from my mother. My family didn't come over, we didn't have dinner- everything is quiet because others have families that are doing something this year. And here I am, yet again, entirely fucking alone.

Is there anything else I can even do at this point?

 

[Sleeper System]

I'm pretty sure I am going onto my 4th year of total stagnation.
From what I can tell, it was after the mess of 2020- and many traumatizing things happened in my life. Even though the year was insanely hard, I think it was the last year I actually had any semblance of a life.

That year ended with me losing everything I had built up. I started 2020 with nothing, finally got something, and then proceeded to lose it all once again. Not even necessarily of my own fault.

Ever since then, I've had close to nothing. At least that's how it feels. Any time things feel like they're moving forward- it stops, and I go back into nothing. What I mean by 'nothing' is exactly that. Being trapped in a boring, mindless routine of work, eat, and sleep. I don't feel close to anybody, and I have nobody around me.

I am constantly lonely, in tears and don't actually have any escape. I don't have the resources to meet new people, and work has also given me nothing in that regard. Most of the people I work with are much older than me (I'm 19), with them being in their early 40s at the youngest. There is always a gap, and even if we get along at work- it's nothing more than that.

As for people online, even that can be extremely barren most times. There are some individuals I personally cherish dearly- but at this point I don't have it in me to believe the same. I feel invisible if I am not immediately present, and I know that my potential disappearance wouldn't really cost them much in the long run. They have things to live for, close and meaningful daily relationships, partners that fulfill their emotional needs, families that care. I have none of this, and I haven't in a long fucking time.

I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of nothingness. I don't know if I have it in me yet to CTB, but I honestly feel like it'd be more productive for me to just push myself to that point. Because there is literally nothing else around me.
I have no irls anymore, and being by myself with nothing to do other than work is so fucking depressing it's not even funny.

Even now, on Christmas- nothing. No presents, not even an acknowledgement from my mother. My family didn't come over, we didn't have dinner- everything is quiet because others have families that are doing something this year. And here I am, yet again, entirely fucking alone.

Is there anything else I can even do at this point?

Curious. What do you do for work?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are in this position. It's really tough when you feel so bogged down by work and don't have much in the way of family to depend on.

I'm not sure if you want or are asking for advice- so- feel free to ignore this but... 'Is there anything you can even do at this point?' I'd say- yes- there are always things you can try. It's really more whether you have the interest/ motivation to do them! One thing I feel sure of in life is that things won't come to you. Especially friendship/relationships- they take constant effort to establish and maintain.

Firstly though- maybe this sounds harsh but I think you kind of need to acknowedge where you aren't getting support- your family and work place. You've already established that they don't show enough interest or- just don't have enough in common to relate. Kind of pointless wishing it was another way because- it isn't and may never be. So- that means you need to look elsewhere.

Really depends on your interests and finances. Some options are cheap or free, others aren't- ramblers clubs, volunteering, sports clubs, local events, coach trips to places, evening classes, short courses. Really- anything where a group of people meet up regularly- that will put you in touch with more people and hopefully, some will also be there looking for friendship. All takes effort though plus- it can be kind of scary if you are shy- I understand that but- depends which is worse ultimately- feeling alone or feeling shy.

 

[AkaRed]

I'm sorry you are in this position. It's really tough when you feel so bogged down by work and don't have much in the way of family to depend on.

I'm not sure if you want or are asking for advice- so- feel free to ignore this but... 'Is there anything you can even do at this point?' I'd say- yes- there are always things you can try. It's really more whether you have the interest/ motivation to do them! One thing I feel sure of in life is that things won't come to you. Especially friendship/relationships- they take constant effort to establish and maintain.

Firstly though- maybe this sounds harsh but I think you kind of need to acknowedge where you aren't getting support- your family and work place. You've already established that they don't show enough interest or- just don't have enough in common to relate. Kind of pointless wishing it was another way because- it isn't and may never be. So- that means you need to look elsewhere.

Really depends on your interests and finances. Some options are cheap or free, others aren't- ramblers clubs, volunteering, sports clubs, local events, coach trips to places, evening classes, short courses. Really- anything where a group of people meet up regularly- that will put you in touch with more people and hopefully, some will also be there looking for friendship. All takes effort though plus- it can be kind of scary if you are shy- I understand that but- depends which is worse ultimately- feeling alone or feeling shy.

Thank you for this, it does help. I do mostly feel pretty starved for resources, since I don't live anywhere with clubs (nor would I have anyone to go with, and going alone is intimdating as hell). I honestly even feel like just quitting both my jobs and trying to find work somewhere else, with more of a social goal in mind.
I mostly have trouble with actually getting past the point of acquaintances or whatnot, and actually making deep rooted and long lasting friendships. They're insanely hard to come by.

Curious. What do you do for work?

Right now I'm working at a semi-local cafe to make money while I do my online studies to become a paramedic. I'm one of the main baristas/all rounders there. So far I've only worked in hospitality before, and I no longer go to HS or any physical school.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for this, it does help. I do mostly feel pretty starved for resources, since I don't live anywhere with clubs (nor would I have anyone to go with, and going alone is intimdating as hell). I honestly even feel like just quitting both my jobs and trying to find work somewhere else, with more of a social goal in mind.
I mostly have trouble with actually getting past the point of acquaintances or whatnot, and actually making deep rooted and long lasting friendships. They're insanely hard to come by.

Right now I'm working at a semi-local cafe to make money while I do my online studies to become a paramedic. I'm one of the main baristas/all rounders there. So far I've only worked in hospitality before, and I no longer go to HS or any physical school.

Yeah, true. It is so difficult and it's hard to maintain friendship too. I guess all anyone can do though is to make as many opportunities as possible and hope that chance brings you into contact with that special person/people.

Would you consider physical school again? Most of my better friends were made at uni. I moved away from home for uni. I don't know if that's possible for you? To go somewhere eventually that has more young people around. University towns and the like.

 

[Readytogohome]

I'm pretty sure I am going onto my 4th year of total stagnation.
From what I can tell, it was after the mess of 2020- and many traumatizing things happened in my life. Even though the year was insanely hard, I think it was the last year I actually had any semblance of a life.

That year ended with me losing everything I had built up. I started 2020 with nothing, finally got something, and then proceeded to lose it all once again. Not even necessarily of my own fault.

Ever since then, I've had close to nothing. At least that's how it feels. Any time things feel like they're moving forward- it stops, and I go back into nothing. What I mean by 'nothing' is exactly that. Being trapped in a boring, mindless routine of work, eat, and sleep. I don't feel close to anybody, and I have nobody around me.

I am constantly lonely, in tears and don't actually have any escape. I don't have the resources to meet new people, and work has also given me nothing in that regard. Most of the people I work with are much older than me (I'm 19), with them being in their early 40s at the youngest. There is always a gap, and even if we get along at work- it's nothing more than that.

As for people online, even that can be extremely barren most times. There are some individuals I personally cherish dearly- but at this point I don't have it in me to believe the same. I feel invisible if I am not immediately present, and I know that my potential disappearance wouldn't really cost them much in the long run. They have things to live for, close and meaningful daily relationships, partners that fulfill their emotional needs, families that care. I have none of this, and I haven't in a long fucking time.

I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of nothingness. I don't know if I have it in me yet to CTB, but I honestly feel like it'd be more productive for me to just push myself to that point. Because there is literally nothing else around me.
I have no irls anymore, and being by myself with nothing to do other than work is so fucking depressing it's not even funny.

Even now, on Christmas- nothing. No presents, not even an acknowledgement from my mother. My family didn't come over, we didn't have dinner- everything is quiet because others have families that are doing something this year. And here I am, yet again, entirely fucking alone.

Is there anything else I can even do at this point?

@AkaRed , I just want to wish you merry Christmas and tell you that I'm thinking about you today.