No reasons left

[Bosty]

I've been suicidal since 11 years old, of course I knew then that suicide wasn't reasonable at such a young age. I told myself I would make it through highschool, and see how my life was at age 18. At the time, I had 2 reasons to keep on living. I'm 19 now. I lost both those reasons over the last couple months. I can only hurt those I love most. The world is better off without me. I've already got SN, antacid, and painkillers at the ready, I'm just waiting and hoping the meto gets here soon. I'm a terrible liar so I probably can't get a prescription for it. I've tried partial hanging before, but the one time I was losing consciousness I got nervous and backed out. My current plan is to use the SN while hanging myself, and hopefully I will pass out in the rope and guarantee my death. If the meto never arrives I'm hoping the rope around my neck might keep me from throwing up the SN, or even that I choke on the vomit. I'm not too sure the reality of that, but I'll do a bit more research in the next week or two, however long I decide to wait for the meto to arrive. I'm worried that I won't die, really. I'm young and extremely healthy with great genes and immune system. I'm fairly confident in my ability to both drink nasty liquids and keep it down, however I can't say I've tried drinking anything poisonous before. SN seems too good to be true, and I want to make sure there is no saving me. I still live at home with my family, so theoretically the only chance I'll be saved is if they randomly check on me in the middle of the night. Should that happen, I'll take it as a sign I should keep living, as they never so much as check on me except to call me for dinner. The biggest thing I'm unsure about at this point is what to leave behind for my family to find. I've written long personal diaries online which I could have them read, however letting them know the real me probably will cause them all more hurt than if I left behind nothing. I've tried writing many letters, but they never are quite right, and they vary drastically depending on my mood. So maybe I'll just tell the truth. "I tried writing so many letters, but none of them could explain me or my decision. Sorry." Honestly I have no idea what the police will do after I'm dead, how far will they look into my online life? There's a lot of shit that is very easy to uncover, and I'm sure if my family cared enough they could find it all, so I guess I won't leave them with much, and if they want more, they can find it, like this very post itself. Thanks for reading, I just had my heart broken for the very last time, and I'm trying to make it through yet another sleepless night.

 

[Septim]

I know the feeling of trying to make it through yet another horrendous night.

I'm sorry you lost both your reasons to keep living recently. Is loving people enough reason to keep living? Genuine question because I don't know.

I failed with partial hanging a couple of times with the same thing of getting freaked out when it starts to work and stopping. Makes me feel like even more of a failure then haha. Not sure using that and sn would be very effective but I see where you're coming from.

 

[Bosty]

Is loving people enough reason to keep living? Genuine question because I don't know.

Yes and no. I still love them both so much it hurts, however, it was only when they seemed like they cared that it was worth living for. They've both hurt me, and shown me just how little they care, so there's no purpose in prolonging my pain, or risking making them hate me more than they already do. Should I ctb, it will be beneficial for myself and everybody around me. I don't think I'm depressed, I don't really want to die, but I know it has to happen. Living on is selfish.

 

[Septim]

What happened that they showed that don't care? I feel like that with my friends sometimes and find it hard to say whether they care or not. I feel terrible when I think they don't care and great when I think they do.

 

[Bosty]

What happened that they showed that don't care?

Mostly years of observation, as well as a few specific events, which I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing. People change though, so I get it. I can't blame them.

 

[Septim]

I can't feel what you feel but I know the pain of feeling unloved. My heart goes out to you. If you want to chat more I'm here or feel free to pm when it unlocks for you.

 

[I screwed up]

Feel for you my friend .. Wish I could help . am here for a chat anytime u want.