Venting No reason

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel there's no reason to cope with life, or even recover. I realize that me posting here is a giant waste of time, and it seems like I am making these threads as a cry for help, but even if that was the case, I don't think there's a single thing to change my mind.

Having to wake up in this same body for year after year is distressing. Seeing attractive cis women with their feminity and their petitness, where as I am this masculine mess of testosterone is so distressing to me. Not having been brought up and born as a female is traumatizing me. I always hated being a boy and a man. There is nothing beneficial about it for me in my opinion. I also hate the idea that the best that can be done to achieve being a woman is transitioning, which has a lot of cons to itself as well. I don't want to have to settle for a body that is surgically altered. I want a natural female body with no scarring, no remnants of being male, none of that. However, such a thing is not possible because biology decided to give me the wrong side of the coin.

Due to my depression and my dysphoria, I can no longer enjoy my hobbies. I gave them up cold turkey once I saw attractive cis women playing them. That could have been me if the coin landed differently, but ofc not. Meanwhile, friends distance themselves from me. Even my irl friend unfriended me on discord recently. I mean granted I didn't interact with him for months because depression, but still. Friendships are fleeting and once you show you are weak, or you no longer share interests, friends drift apart. No point in trying to make new ones when the same thing will happen again.

Can't try for a relationship because in order to feel like I'd have any chance, I'd have to lose a lot of weight (since looks matter to me, I'd want to date someone I am attracted to), but I can't be arsed to try to lose weight again since I hate the male body as a whole and I'd have to care about how I look, which I don't. You've seen one male body, you've seen them all. Not that it matters as I no longer have a desire for sex or romance. Everything seems meh to me.

No hobbies, no friendships, no relationships, and no self love. So what does this leave in life? Seems just being a wage slave for the rest of my life. No thank you. I don't want that to be my purpose, especially if I have to work and be around people I am extremely envious of.

I'm not making this thread to convince myself or any of you. Or to ask for advice. I made this thread to write out my thoughts since I have nothing better to do with my time.

I fucking hate being born the wrong sex and cannot accept this as my life or any of the middleground options available. I hope I CTB very soon.

 

[tary]

I have been on MTF hormones for a year and like the effects, but I'm starting to feel the same as you. Full transition would take lots of surgeries and effort and even after all that I probably wouldn't even pass as female. It's not the only reason I'm CTBing, but it's up there.
Maybe we'll get to be women in the afterlife, who knows?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I have been on MTF hormones for a year and like the effects, but I'm starting to feel the same as you. Full transition would take lots of surgeries and effort and even after all that I probably wouldn't even pass as female. It's not the only reason I'm CTBing, but it's up there.
Maybe we'll get to be women in the afterlife, who knows?

Maybe. I just have a hatred towards (attractive) cis women that stems from jealousy. It's something that I cannot move past, sadly. I hope reincarnation is real so I can live as a cis woman.

 

[Not_A_Seagull]

I feel this, being born in a body you will never be in sucks big time

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be torture having to exist like that, there really is nothing fair about any of this and it's such a cruel existence where factors out of people's control can ruin everything for them. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am so dysphoric that sex talk bothers me. I hate hearing women talk about sex. Even since my young age, I used to turn off the TV at the site of lingerie commercials. I also hated sex education.

The sasu chat also triggered me just now. People started talking about casual sex vs sex during marriage, then it devolved into people talking about masturbation and horniness. No one realizes that sex and masturbation is a big trigger for people who are very dysphoric and hate their sexuality and sexual characteristics. I regret eating just now, because I really want to chug my SN.

I really fucking want to die.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I feel there's no reason to cope with life, or even recover. I realize that me posting here is a giant waste of time, and it seems like I am making these threads as a cry for help, but even if that was the case, I don't think there's a single thing to change my mind.

Having to wake up in this same body for year after year is distressing. Seeing attractive cis women with their feminity and their petitness, where as I am this masculine mess of testosterone is so distressing to me. Not having been brought up and born as a female is traumatizing me. I always hated being a boy and a man. There is nothing beneficial about it for me in my opinion. I also hate the idea that the best that can be done to achieve being a woman is transitioning, which has a lot of cons to itself as well. I don't want to have to settle for a body that is surgically altered. I want a natural female body with no scarring, no remnants of being male, none of that. However, such a thing is not possible because biology decided to give me the wrong side of the coin.

Due to my depression and my dysphoria, I can no longer enjoy my hobbies. I gave them up cold turkey once I saw attractive cis women playing them. That could have been me if the coin landed differently, but ofc not. Meanwhile, friends distance themselves from me. Even my irl friend unfriended me on discord recently. I mean granted I didn't interact with him for months because depression, but still. Friendships are fleeting and once you show you are weak, or you no longer share interests, friends drift apart. No point in trying to make new ones when the same thing will happen again.

Can't try for a relationship because in order to feel like I'd have any chance, I'd have to lose a lot of weight (since looks matter to me, I'd want to date someone I am attracted to), but I can't be arsed to try to lose weight again since I hate the male body as a whole and I'd have to care about how I look, which I don't. You've seen one male body, you've seen them all. Not that it matters as I no longer have a desire for sex or romance. Everything seems meh to me.

No hobbies, no friendships, no relationships, and no self love. So what does this leave in life? Seems just being a wage slave for the rest of my life. No thank you. I don't want that to be my purpose, especially if I have to work and be around people I am extremely envious of.

I'm not making this thread to convince myself or any of you. Or to ask for advice. I made this thread to write out my thoughts since I have nothing better to do with my time.

I fucking hate being born the wrong sex and cannot accept this as my life or any of the middleground options available. I hope I CTB very soon.

The way it seems, you have three options, all bad (relative to your situation and your stated feelings on it). I know that you already know what these are, but I'm just going to say them out loud, as it were.

1) You can go on, just as things are, living your life as best you can, with the body you have, and not be happy.
2) You can transition and make the changes you want with your body (and life), yet still not be happy.
3) You can ctb, whereby you still won't be happy, because the point will be mute.

The other option(s) is/are off the table. Those are really tough choices. May you make the one that is best for you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

The way it seems, you have three options, all bad (relative to your situation and your stated feelings on it). I know that you already know what these are, but I'm just going to say them out loud, as it were.

1) You can go on, just as things are, living your life as best you can, with the body you have, and not be happy.
2) You can transition and make the changes you want with your body (and life), yet still not be happy.
3) You can ctb, whereby you still won't be happy, because the point will be mute.

The other option(s) is/are off the table. Those are really tough choices. May you make the one that is best for you.

Yeah, 3 seems to be the lesser of the 3 evils for me. I am just wasting away venting until I am ready to CTB. The decision to take one's life is not an easy one at all to make.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The decision to take one's life is not an easy one at all to make.

No, not at all. It really shouldn't be, if you honestly think about it, wouldn't you agree?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

No, not at all. It really shouldn't be, if you honestly think about it, wouldn't you agree?

If I was in a position where I was living a life I wanted to live, I wouldn't think anyone should to take their life. Then again, I'd be very biased and blinded.