No reason to die yet I want to kill myself

[Ontwon]

I had an attempt a few weeks ago, held a loaded shotgun in my mouth but didn't have the guts to pull the trigger. It's odd, things in my life have trended towards a positive direction or at least not a bad one. I'm moving to a new state to go to school and moving in with a friend that totally understands suicidal tendencies who is covering my rent for free. I'm going into hospice care because I really believe in the right to die in a humane way and want to make a difference. It's something I've been passionate about for a long time and we're finally going for it. Yet the call to try again is stirring in me and there's no real reason why. I'm not in pain, things are alright, we have a positive clear path yet I want so badly to hold that gun again in my mouth and taste death. I wonder if I really am sick if this is what mental illness is. Being a bit in love with self destruction and the idea of taking my own life

 

[Reuthry]

Well, I think if you want to kill yourself, you have a reason to yourself because you want to do it. I feel you, I also think that I am also a bit in love with ctb and the idea of it. Even before deciding upon a certain time for my ctb, during the day nearly all my thoughts revolved around suicide in some way.
I hope you find peace.

 

[Ontwon]

Well, I think if you want to kill yourself, you have a reason to yourself because you want to do it. I feel you, I also think that I am also a bit in love with ctb and the idea of it. Even before deciding upon a certain time for my ctb, during the day nearly all my thoughts revolved around suicide in some way.
I hope you find peace.

Thank you. Yeah peace, to stop striving to be someone with all the demands that life has is probably the closest thing to a reason I have. I've idealized it for so long that to not be suicidal is strange, almost like a temporary way of being. The happy to be alive part of me feels also real tho when I am embodying her. They are both parts of me constantly at war within this body. The suicidally inclined one only has to win once tho, she probably will one day and I can't wait