No one to vent to, so here I am

[je.suis.prêt]

Too much negativity will drive people away. I get that. So I know I can't always talk to the people I know about how I feel – even though they are aware of both my general mental state, and the fact that I, at one point, possessed a bunch of suicide powder... SN as we call it.

So here I am, I guess I can dump all of my negativity – "negativity..." – here even though it will ultimately follow me around wherever I go.

I am really not cut out for this... planet? society? life? I cannot cope with the bare minimum in life without feeling overwhelmed. I know it sounds crazy, but I did not ask to be born. Being born means inheriting a bunch of problems that you have to deal with throughout your lifetime; developing a skill, learning to sell oneself, paying your way through life, and if you are unlucky, health problems. If one manages to deal with all of these problems, there (might) be some kind of reward in the form of pleasure, money, whatever... I want none of that. I don't want the problems, nor the rewards. I just want to not exist.

This is not the throwing of a tantrum because I expect someone else to do everything for me or pay my way through life, I simply do not want life.

I had the means to kill myself – 2 bags of SN, and money for a hotel – but I was too afraid of going through with it. My strange relationship with gore content (what is wrong with me?) somewhat put me off suicide as I can't help but visualise my decaying body after my death – flesh turning black, tongue swelling up... yikes. But when I objectively (I guess there is a bias inherent in that last word) think about my life and what I have to offer, the conclusion: suicide. I am simply not worth it, I have nothing to offer, nothing useful anyway. I don't want to live in poverty, nor in a live devoid of meaning or satisfaction, I simply do not want to be here.

Life itself feels like the most insidious of demons; it does not want to kill you itself, it makes a game out of pushing you to do it yourself.

I cannot cope with the bare minimum in life, feeding myself, hygiene, and household chores are too much for me because I've kind of given up on myself. Is it possible to be disciplined in this manner when one has no reason to be alive, or constantly thinks about suicide? Hopefully, I can put my head down after submitting this, and just not wake up.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @je.suis.prêt,
May you can tolerate what it will be.
Even when you don't have a plan to CTB,
"May you find some peace," I pray.

"Why I'm responsible for life which I didn't asked?"
My question since twenty-five.
I think, considering what you've been tasked,
No one can tell you to stay alive.

What I've endured for years
Told me loneliness is so terrible.
So I'm willing to be all ears.
I hope I can make your life a bit less unbearable.

Too much negativity will drive people away. I get that. So I know I can't always talk to the people I know about how I feel – even though they are aware of both my general mental state, and the fact that I, at one point, possessed a bunch of suicide powder... SN as we call it.

So here I am, I guess I can dump all of my negativity – "negativity..." – here even though it will ultimately follow me around wherever I go.

I am really not cut out for this... planet? society? life? I cannot cope with the bare minimum in life without feeling overwhelmed. I know it sounds crazy, but I did not ask to be born. Being born means inheriting a bunch of problems that you have to deal with throughout your lifetime; developing a skill, learning to sell oneself, paying your way through life, and if you are unlucky, health problems. If one manages to deal with all of these problems, there (might) be some kind of reward in the form of pleasure, money, whatever... I want none of that. I don't want the problems, nor the rewards. I just want to not exist.

This is not the throwing of a tantrum because I expect someone else to do everything for me or pay my way through life, I simply do not want life.

I'm very accustomed to "negativity" because I've been so negative. If you are comfortable with, please tell me whatever you want to. You're hold accountable for life you didn't choose to have, and I think it's almost a punishment for a crime you didn't committed...

Life itself feels like the most insidious of demons; it does not want to kill you itself, it makes a game out of pushing you to do it yourself.

This demon is so irresponsible. It pretend not to be a killer. If it would be brought to justice, the most merciful sentence would be death.

I'm so sorry that your SN was seized by the authorities. I think, having a method at your disposal means the world to you, even if you don't use it.

If you choose recovery, I'll be glad, but who knows your situation the best is you. I wish you the best no matter what you choose

 

[woh6]

I am really not cut out for this... planet? society? life? I cannot cope with the bare minimum in life without feeling overwhelmed. I know it sounds crazy, but I did not ask to be born. Being born means inheriting a bunch of problems that you have to deal with throughout your lifetime; developing a skill, learning to sell oneself, paying your way through life, and if you are unlucky, health problems. If one manages to deal with all of these problems, there (might) be some kind of reward in the form of pleasure, money, whatever... I want none of that. I don't want the problems, nor the rewards. I just want to not exist.

This part really resonated with me. You don't sound crazy, many users here feel like that too. I also don't belong here, I just can't do it. I can't imagine actually living a life before dying of natural causes, the thought of it feels extremely suffocating to me. Sadly there isn't an easy way out. I wish you the best though.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Yes. This sick, twisted society was never for me. I find it to be a barbaric and parasitical concept.
It is too difficult to live a so-called normal life for me. I just can't fit into this shitshow world.
So sorry you are going through this.