I am in a hospital and am hoping that if I make an attempt tonight that finally I will succeed. It's hard because I can tell no one how I feel because of course I would be placed on 1 to 1 observations and any opportunity there might have been will have been taken away. I have made a number of attempts here with ligatures which I don't like much but my options are far fewer in hospital. Chances are that I will still be alive tomorrow as they are very well trained here and despite trying different ways it takes time for me to become unconscious and I am checked on every 15 minutes. I have struggled through today as most, thinking of how I long to ctb, there is nothing I want or need from life anymore, I am tired of the battle to stay alive for others and going through the motions of life in here as if it means something to me. Prolonging my life is a value being forced upon me and I know that I have given life a good try and it's just too much for me. I end up hurting people and have to live with the knowledge that I have not been or ever will be the person that I so believed I could be. Please hope for me that my attempt will be successful.
I'm sorry life has beaten you down to this point. It is very tough to be a happy person. I don't know your circumstances in life exactly but peace be with you
Gromit-CTB
time for ctb
- Nov 14, 2020
- 847
Am sorry to hear this OP. Life seems to have given you a crappy deal. I hope you can have some peace and make plans with what and how you want to do. Thinking of you. 
Sorry you're going through this friend, you're not alone on SS. Sending hugs
Thank you, it means a lot.Sorry you're going through this friend, you're not alone on SS. Sending hugs
Thank you
Good4Nothing
Unlovable
- May 8, 2020
- 1,865
I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Life isn't fair. I hope you find peace.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you, it means so much that I don't have to feel alone when taking this step, it's weird and confusing to be in a place of so much supposed support and caring (hospital) and yet feeling that my true need to ctb are not acceptable or understood.
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I hope you are able to find peace. We are all here with you.
I failed in my attempt, staff intervened before I lost consciousness. I feel angry with myself that I can't get it right and now I will have less opportunity and loads of questions to answer as to why I didn't seek support rather than act out. I feel so hopeless that I won't get to see my family again as each time the staff 'save your life I give them more evidence that I need to be in hospital. My mother is ill and my nephews are growing up so fast, I've been in this hospital for over a year and a half now and it's far too far away for visits. I can only blame myself for ending up in this situation. Too many near deaths, 4 comas, overdoses needing CPR and defibrillation, vascular surgery to repair an artery I cut through and so it goes on. I blame myself because I chose methods that were potentially peaceful endings, I felt that as you only get to die once it should be as I would like it to be. But hanging is statistically so much more effective but I've always thought it unpleasant. I feel such a failure for failing so many times and now guilty for all the effort and resources put into keeping me alive, it's such a waste.
Thank you for all your support last night, I felt comforted and accepted.
Thank you for all your support last night, I felt comforted and accepted.
Greenberg
nitrogenexit.blogspot.com
- Jun 28, 2020
- 1,063
I feel for you, my friend. I am so sorry that life has unfolded for you this way.
Perhaps, we are here to share equal parts in misery. Doubt not, we are all here to hear your farewell!
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