Venting No One Should Be Forced To Live With Schizophrenia

[Illegal Preclear]

No one should be forced to live like this. I was essentially born into the Psychiatric system and experimented on my entire childhood. I spent more time in Psych offices than I did in actual school. It's likely my disabilities were CAUSED by the Psychiatric abuse. I never had a chance. I grew up resenting the 'normal people', shut down into myself. There were times I worked and participated in life and almost got out of the trap, but those times are long gone. Mental disabilities, compounded by the after-effects of extreme Psychiatric childhood abuse (Disassociative Identities), after 30 when your neurology heads into middle age (I'll be 35 next month) is basically like having dementia. I can't follow through with a single productive task. I can FORCE myself to do ADLs (Showering, teeth brushing) but I don't always. I don't leave my house anymore (I've been a Hikkikomori/NEET holed up in my parents house since 2019). I haven't worked since 2015 (I'm on permanent disability). I can barely find the cognitive ability to write this post!

The only time I don't feel completely dead is when I'm having a Schizo episode, only to realize my thoughts were completely Dissociated and I don't know how much of it was real or how much of it was delusional nonsense, and that's my whole life. All my memories are disappearing. I used to make internet content and I don't remember making it or how I did, and most of it was delusional Schizo nonsense probably anyway. Any 'productive' thing I've done has just been in service to what is probably delusional Schizo nonsense. I have no interests anymore. I spend most of the day fighting the urge to just sleep because that's all I want to do. Sleep forever. I play videogames and watch the same movies and videos over and over again to try and glean comfort and dopamine hits. I'm dependent on my parents, and once they go I'll have nothing.

I want to CTB so bad. The sooner I do the better. Assisted Suicide should be offered to anyone with Schizophrenia. No one should have to live like this. It gets SO BAD after 30. Most of this post probably sounds incoherent. I can barely communicate coherently anymore. Every day is worse than the last. I'm looking into Partial Hanging as a method. I need to be successful the first time because I've already been locked up in mental wards and hospitals 14 times. And I haven't even made a suicide threat or attempt! Just for 'bizarre behavior'. They can lock me up at their discretion where I live. Lots of people where I live are experimented on by Psychiatry the way I was and I was just born into that system. There's no escaping that system except through death. I'll have a lot of opportunities this year for CTB. If I could just get over my fear, I could so do it! I've thought of jumping, but I really want to do this in my own home, which is why I'm focusing on Partial Hanging and have been pouring over instructional threads on here about it. But any personal advice about it from you to me would be appreciated.

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I'm very sorry for your experience. I cannot imagine your struggles.
My schizo sister CTB years ago and I feel like the only one in the family that doesn't blame her for it.

 

[ceilng_tile]

You deserve to be in a world that treats you better.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Your thoughts are honestly reasonable for a fact. this whole experience of yours gives me some shivers too and ig i have it in my head somewhere about how schizophrenia really does it's thing. your whole journey is disheartening yet mixed with sense of bravery..kudos to you for making it up till here, till this very moment. just one thing i wanted to get off of my mind, on to these virtual sheets, to me, someone with schizophrenia deserves care. and you too, to this point, do. maybe the way you want it, be it tagged down by anyone. things could've been different if you'd have gotten the love and care. but either way, hold yourself if you can and figure it out maybe, you seem artistic ( not a typo for autistic ). although whatever be your decision, have peace with that. sorry to know your experiences, really.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

My schizo sister CTB years ago and I feel like the only one in the family that doesn't blame her for it.

You're a very enlightened person, then. I hope to find the courage your sister did. There's good reason people with Schizoid disorders are 20x more likely to at least attempt CTB.

You deserve to be in a world that treats you better.

Thank you. I know that's asking for a lot though. I just want to live in a world that will allow me to die without the threat of Psychiatry over my head. Psychiatry isn't meant to help people. Not when you're put through the system of experimentation and programming I was put through. They don't even try and help me anymore when they lock me up, they know I'm too far gone, so they just give me the cheapest pills they can, squeeze as much passive income as they can out of me from being in a hospital bed and force me to stay alive. I'm terrified to think what will happen if I'm caught ACTUALLY attempting to CTB, since I've already been put away so many times while actively DENYING any desire for CTB. My only saving grace is that my family vacations so much that I have a lot of opportunities to CTB while they're gone - so I'm getting serious about narrowing down my method, and this board has led me to believe Partial Hanging is the best option.

Your thoughts are honestly reasonable for a fact. this whole experience of yours gives me some shivers too and ig i have it in my head somewhere about how schizophrenia really does it's thing. your whole journey is disheartening yet mixed with sense of bravery..kudos to you for making it up till here, till this very moment. just one thing i wanted to get off of my mind, on to these virtual sheets, to me, someone with schizophrenia deserves care. and you too, to this point, do. maybe the way you want it, be it tagged down by anyone. things could've been different if you'd have gotten the love and care. but either way, hold yourself if you can and figure it out maybe, you seem artistic ( not a typo for autistic ). although whatever be your decision, have peace with that. sorry to know your experiences, really.

Heh, people tell me I'm artistic even though I never do art anymore. I used to, but I don't have the wherewithal of mind or the motivation anymore. That was all in my teens and twenties before the 'breakdowns' started happening, the memory loss/Dissociative episodes started in full swing and the mental deterioration overall fully took hold...

 

[numbed one]

I have schizophrénia top and i Never had a job , i'm living in a very low graded système of morocco so y can't imagine how awful it IS

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, it's certainly cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, it's certainly cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

Only one way to do that, and the ball is in my court for that one. There's no way forward for me amongst the living. The only way to move forward is to overcome my fear of going through with CTB. I've reached true limbo and it's terrifying. I'm basically just a pet around my house no different than the dog. Human life just moves AROUND me while I exist like an object wondering what I should do with my blank mind. And then I look at the bannister and know EXACTLY what I need to do but chicken out. It's not out of 'hope' anymore. There is no more hope, just useless evolutionary survival instinct. This is what I mean. People shouldn't have to face CTB alone and afraid like this.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Heh, people tell me I'm artistic even though I never do art anymore. I used to, but I don't have the wherewithal of mind or the motivation anymore. That was all in my teens and twenties before the 'breakdowns' started happening, the memory loss/Dissociative episodes started in full swing and the mental deterioration overall fully took hold...

You have my respect for still not killing yourself, or taking any disastrous measures. sound pretty calm to me which makes me respect you even more. about the art thing, i don't think it'd ever leave you..it didn't in the paragraphs you just wrote above. so, maybe, if you can, you should give it another try, pour it all down, from your mind to the sheets or wherever. but undoubtedly take good care of yourself. you're special to this place

 

[SilentSadness]

That does sound terrible, I wish people were more compassionate in allowing suicide and treating people better. I hope you find peace from your suffering.

 

[mortuarymary]

I don't have it but have had episodes according to my Dr. When it happens all I want to do is die. It's ruining your life you should be given that right to leave. I'm sending hugs because I can't help you and feel a failure because of that. I'm so sorry xxx

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

Its so horrible to see what the psychiatric system is doing... I'm sorry you're in this.

I don't get why its no option to say "excuse me, i don't believe in this anymore, give me a final end solution"
Freedom of choice is a farce...

I guess next to SI its the fear of failing that keeps us in this limbo... If there would be the solution "if i fail this attempt please kill me" I would have attempted already.

Only one way to do that, and the ball is in my court for that one. There's no way forward for me amongst the living. The only way to move forward is to overcome my fear of going through with CTB. I've reached true limbo and it's terrifying. I'm basically just a pet around my house no different than the dog. Human life just moves AROUND me while I exist like an object wondering what I should do with my blank mind. And then I look at the bannister and know EXACTLY what I need to do but chicken out. It's not out of 'hope' anymore. There is no more hope, just useless evolutionary survival instinct. This is what I mean. People shouldn't have to face CTB alone and afraid like this.

Your situation describes mine so well ... :(

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I thank you all for your kind words. You speak to me like I'm a good person, but I'm really not. My mind grows blanker every day and some days all I can do is just sit and watch the clock and wait until it's time to go to sleep again (Death's Counterfeit, as Shakespeare once said). All there is is anhedonia and brain fog. Being disabled like this, I have a 'ticking clock' factor like a lot of folks do here where when my parents go, so do I. Homeless or mental institution. There is no 'good ending' here. Logically, there is no ending where I magically get my mental faculties back. Just more drugs. More zombification. The original me is long gone, even going off all the meds wouldn't get that person back. I COMPLETELY lost myself. I HAD a self once but I don't even remember them. Just bits and pieces.

Moving forward - I DO have an ideal place for full suspension hanging. I'm scared as hell because I've never even practiced with partial, but here's a pic. That railing is solid. It'll hold my weight, and the doorframe is much taller than I am. I'll have more than enough opportunities to be alone for 24 hours or more. I can easily order the rope off amazon and I'm planning to tie socks to it to make sure all arteries have spread coverage. If anyone has any practical advice on hanging - partial or full suspension, I'm all ears.