kilowatt
Guns don't kill people I kill people
- Sep 9, 2023
- 377
I've mentioned this a few times already, but I plan to CTB on the 30th of this month. I'm ready. Every day just keeps on filling me with motivation. There's no going back.
One of my most invasive thoughts is ''How are the people around me gonna react?''. It haunts me. I haven't told any of my loved ones, except for one person, because he's been through similar phases and I knew he was gonna be okay with it and not get in my way. But sometimes I wish he tried. I wish my disappearance would actually made a difference, especially in the lives of the people whom I care about. I'm starting to think the caring part is not very mutual.
I haven't been showing clear signs except a little bit of isolation, but distancing myself for a while is not really unusual for my friends. A part of me wants to cry for help while the other one just wants to be left alone and finally achieve peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully decided on suicide, but either way it's attention seeking or not, I just wish some people showed their love towards me more. Even if the cost is taking my own life.
As a conclusion I don't really think I'll make a difference. To face the truth, there's no one big that I'm close with except for my girlfriend, but even things with her have been going down lately. I wish I was seen or heard. I wish people would've asked a genuine ''What about you?'' when I hit them with a ''Hey how are you doing, how are things going''. Everything feels one-sided and it's probably a big part on why I'm going to leave this shit hole.
One of my most invasive thoughts is ''How are the people around me gonna react?''. It haunts me. I haven't told any of my loved ones, except for one person, because he's been through similar phases and I knew he was gonna be okay with it and not get in my way. But sometimes I wish he tried. I wish my disappearance would actually made a difference, especially in the lives of the people whom I care about. I'm starting to think the caring part is not very mutual.
I haven't been showing clear signs except a little bit of isolation, but distancing myself for a while is not really unusual for my friends. A part of me wants to cry for help while the other one just wants to be left alone and finally achieve peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully decided on suicide, but either way it's attention seeking or not, I just wish some people showed their love towards me more. Even if the cost is taking my own life.
As a conclusion I don't really think I'll make a difference. To face the truth, there's no one big that I'm close with except for my girlfriend, but even things with her have been going down lately. I wish I was seen or heard. I wish people would've asked a genuine ''What about you?'' when I hit them with a ''Hey how are you doing, how are things going''. Everything feels one-sided and it's probably a big part on why I'm going to leave this shit hole.
