No one knows how hard this is

[Supersadmommy90]

I wanted to briefly discuss the "happy" face we are forced to put on in order to get along in daily life. With family, associates, acquaintances, etc. And I do put on my face. Even at home I am forced to act motivated and happy just so that the household can function etc. If there is any noticeable dip in my mood or activity my husband gets on my case about it. I've always had people-pleasing tendencies, in fact at times these tendencies have run amok to my own detriment. It's definitely become a habit to always wear a friendly smile on my face, except in my spousal relationship, because of the way the relationship has deteriorated in the past year, there aren't as many smiles to go around these days. I wanted to discuss the public/private paradox or dichotomy of depression that to the world and in most of my life is completely hidden and a burden I have to bear in total silence. Sure, there are phone lines available etc, but this forum is so much better than that to me. Makes me think about how that woman in the news killed herself and her family had no idea she was depressed. In any case, just venting here a bit, it's just such a stark and bizarre experience going through the motions, playing the part, smiling on the outside, while stringing myself up mentally. inside. No one knows how huge of an accomplishment it is that I made it this far under the present circumstances. The past 3-6 months I have been running on fumes.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

Yes, you can't seriously discuss depression with most people around you, but I think I've given up on having a "happy" face. Could be because I don't actually have much people whom I care for around.

If somebody asks me how do I feel, I say "ok". If they persist, I indulge in sharing how depressive I've been recently. Anybody who just wants to pretend we have a healthy relationship would change topics after that. I have two people who'd at least listen, but I try to stop myself to not burden them with it much, as they aren't in position to give help.

I do have a "robotic" persona for work-related discussions, where it's always "fine" and I don't share anything at all related to private life, unless I'm sick and need a leave.

 

[90sAesthetics]

I do have a "robotic" persona for work-related discussions, where it's always "fine" and I don't share anything at all related to private life, unless I'm sick and need a leave.

Saaaame! Always been my demeanor, even on the shittiest days. I strive to get conversations over smoothly, tending to always vocally agree with the other person on any subject, even if I don't truly believe it.

Due to past circumstances that lasted many years, it's impossible to engage in conflict of any kind. e.g., when I accidentally have the TV on the news, and there's two talking heads debating and yelling and talking over eachother... Fuuuuuuck, man, gotta immediately change the channel. Can't take the shit.